Month: August 2014

Goodbye Grandma

My childhood was pretty normal. Growing up with divorced parents, lower-middle class, I was given just enough dysfunction to make me normal. I have a pretty good reality base. Every family has their ways of doing things. 

On my dad’s side, my Grandmother was where I found my peace. As soon as my quirkiness slipped out, I would find myself panicking and my anxiety raise. And there she was. She always had a way of calming and accepting me. I never felt judgement, irritation, or any sort of self doubt with her. I just felt love.

One month ago, my grandmother started to have some confusion and headaches. Being a very active, upbeat person, it was hard to see her like this. But we knew it would be ok. It was a UTI….no….it is fluid on the brain….no…it’s…. well…we don’t know. Spinal taps, MRIs, blood work, and repeat. We watched her slowly break down. Then, we found the cause. Cancer.

You wouldn’t think lung cancer when you saw my grandma. She didn’t smoke. Was healthy. Active. Upbeat. Joyful. This cancer had ripped through her body with a vengeance. It had taken my grandmother from that happy lady I saw at Christmas, to a broken, weak, shell. It was heartbreaking.

I went to see her yesterday. I gave her a kiss and told her how much I was going to miss her. How much I love her. And thanked her for everything. I told her goodbye.

She died this morning at about 2:30am. My grief over this is so deep. This wonderful, amazing woman has done for me in my life than you could imagine. The child in me wants to scream, “it’s not fair!!” I want to find her and hug her and tell her all about my day. I want to walk through her garden and let me show me all her new plants. I want to draw her pictures and do magic tricks for her. I want to cuddle up and watch the jungle book with her. I want to sit on her bathroom counter and let her put blush on my cheeks and lipstick on my lips. I want to tell her about my problems and have her tell me everything is ok and that I’m doing great.  I want my grandma back.

But I can’t. So I will cry. I will grieve. And I will try to pull myself together. I love you Grandma. I miss you. And I am so thankful I got to be your granddaughter.

(This was written in Feb 2014 after her death on the 7th)

Appealing With My Curb

It always seemed like such a waste of time, or money to spend THAT much time on your yard. My assumption was that these overly enthusiastic yard workers either really loved being outside, or were just cocky little assholes with nothing else to do but try to be “that house” on the street. Gotta keep up with the Jones’ dontcha’ know.

There was a similar feeling toward those who’s interiors were done with the “look how awesome and creative I am” feel to it.  Themed rooms, with accent colors and features that connect each room. How very Feng Shui. 

Now I’m not talking about keeping up on your yard and house. My yard is always mowed, leaves removed, and sidewalk and driveway cleared of snow. My dishes get done. I dust, scrub, and mop. My house functions fine. I’m talking about the over-the-top perfect straight out of Better Homes and Gardens yards.  And the “I like this page in Pottery Barn, so I will duplicate it exactly” houses. Who cares? It’s all about functionality for this girl! you won’t catch me fretting and in deep contemplation over exactly which picture frame would best keep the desired vibe! I’m a busy mamma and I don’t have time to worry about all that crap!

Then….I grew up. I fell on some hard times. As a newly divorced, single mother of 3, I felt defeated in life. I sat looking out the window of a dated, underwhelming duplex and just felt so worn down. The kids were playing outside, and I remembered my parents working on the yard when I was a child. Hell. Why not? So I grabbed a shovel and started edging the sidewalk. That led to me edging the driveway. I worked and worked, and just got lost in the repetitiveness of the job.

Looking at the work I did left me feeling accomplished and proud. I was SHOCKED at what a difference this one yard task made. Pulling into the driveway, I felt at home, and a pleasant peace. So I took it one step farther. I bought some flowers. I let the kids plant them, and smiled every time I pulled in and saw that pop of color.

 Then next step. Curtains. I was going to buy some flipping curtains so I didn’t have to look at that old window frame. I went to the dollar store and bought some cheap, ugly, curtains. They matched, and that was good enough for me. It was life changing. My living room felt warm and inviting. ho-ly-shit. Who knew?? Not me! 

So here I am, years later, and my house and yard is most definitely decorated and coordinated. Functionality can only take you so far. It may serve our physical needs, but the extra feeds our spirit. It makes it ours. So next time you’re feeling down, spruce your place up a bit! It will give your soul a smile 🙂

Let Me Explain…Oh Nevermind

I remember when I was a kid, watching television shows and movies, and getting SO frustrated with the characters. Why don’t they just EXPLAIN what happened? Being the viewer, I could see what the truth was. And how and why it was misperceived. Of course, the character never explained, and eventually the truth would come out from another source. Which would cause the overly judgemental, angry, jumped-to-conclusions, character to see the truth and then understand. Happy endings for all!

Of course, I felt they could avoid the entire confrontation part of things if they would just talk and explain things. (But I guess then their wouldn’t be much of a story). Why didn’t they though? Why do adults always just let people believe things that are WRONG. Why don’t they ever correct it? Don’t they want people to know the truth?

Then adulthood came. Ah. Now I understand.

You see, I have the big picture view of my life. I understand, not only what my problems are, but why they are problems, and what has and has not worked for me in the past. But these other characters in my life are just passing through. And I cannot explain every aspect to them. Some really want to know. Most do not. Most already have the “you should just” , “why don’t you just” , “I would just” , “I don’t understand why you don’t just”  mentality.

So what do I do? Try each and every time to explain myself? Do you know anyone who does this? They sound like they’re constantly making excuses for themselves and their obvious bad choices. Because if they would do it the “right way” they would not be struggling. They must love turmoil and problems.

I’ve often caught myself trying to explain why I made one choice or another. I’m shut down every time. And it usually ends with me saying, “you know, you’re right! I should try that next time!” Because that’s all they wanted. They don’t want to know you’re ok. They don’t want to understand how you got where you are. They don’t have love, compassion, or any sort of empathy. They have judgement and a sick superiority complex where they HONESTLY believe they just have so much more wisdom or life insight than you do. So trying to explain yourself just looks like justifications or excuses. And agreeing with them pets their obviously overgrown ego. They get to feel that they finally got through to you and your simple mind.

So that’s why grownups don’t waste their time. All we can hope is that (like in the movies) there is a moment where the truth is reveled. Or that the other person faces similar experiences and has a moment of clarity and understanding. A humbling moment that leads to an apology for harsh treatment or condescending, hurtful words. But that just happens in the movies. This is the real world, so I’m not holding my breath.

I’ll Get to That Later

I am a career procrastinator. It comes so naturally, I can do it without even trying. A talent really.

Now let me clarify. I’m not lazy (though I do quite enjoy laying around all day in my sweats finishing off cold pizza from the night before). I procrastinate. While some may argue they are the same (or go hand in hand) I do not believe it to be true.

“Well Bethy! Enlighten us on the difference between, and please elaborate on how you have come to such a conclusion!”

If you insist!

Sundays are my only day off. (While I also do not work Mondays, I refuse to call it my day off because I have to take children to school. Any day you have to set an alarm and have scheduled tasks is NOT a day off. I digress.) Having only one day to be at home to do chores, organize paperwork, work my budget, etc, usually ends the same way. 9:00pm I’m frantically trying to get all that stuff done I wanted to do and didn’t.

So what do I do all day? Well, depends on what I WANTED to get done. Yesterday, I wanted to clean the kitchen. That’s all. That was my big chore. So what did I do? I called to different honeymoon destinations to get quotes. I cleaned the living room. I shaved my legs. I started a Pinterest account. I organized some wedding stuff. I cut my kids fingernails. I cleaned the tub…..I definitely wasn’t lazy.

But there I was. Almost bedtime and I hadn’t even started the kitchen. So I geared myself up, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned off the table, cleaned the floor, organized the mail….and I realized, I was actually procrastinating within my already procrastinated chore. The whole reason I wanted to do the kitchen, was the dishes. (I told you I’m a natural)

So, there they sit. Still not done. Why do I do this to myself? Wouldn’t it be easier to just get it over with? Where does one learn to procrastinate?  Whenever we have these moments we start asking these questions, we must have a movie style flashback to our childhood or teenage years. So, join me for my flashback!

It was the fall of 1999. I had chosen a book for English called The Poisonwood Bible to read. Of course, I put this off until the day before it was due. After school, I cracked that book open for the first time. Oh. Shit. I was hoping the thickness was due to large font. But, I am Beth! I’ll get it done. So I spent the entire night reading. I don’t mean until bedtime. I mean the ENTIRE night. By 7:00am I finally finished. English was right after lunch. So I spent all morning doing my note cards for the book (very cleverly using different pens and dating different dates since this was supposed to be done over a period of time).

English came. I handed in my note cards, and wrote my paper. Phew! I did it! Then, I cried out of sheer exhaustion.

So if this were a movie flashback, what would you learn about the character? Well, it would show how well she worked under pressure. I thrived under stress. To the point I honestly feel I was self sabotaging to put myself into those high stress situations. My best work always came from intense, last minute, hurried circumstances. My focus was dead on. Nothing could pull me from my task. And for someone with ADHD, this felt amazing.

So where does that leave me now? Have I lost my pazzaz? My flair for flourishing when the heat is on?? Yes. I have. It’s called getting old.

I cannot block out the world or pull all nighters. I have children and work. We all know life is a growing experience. And this is one area I never quite grew out of, or adjusted for adult life. I would just get tired, and quit. I have spent the last couple years feeling as if I’m in a constant state of defeat.

So my next adventure begins. I will now try to find the adult way of positive procrastination. How to channel this aspect of my nature into something beneficial, because all it’s doing now is giving me (and my tired, rickety body) anxiety. I’m sure there’s a way! I’m still the master of procrastination, for goodness sake, I just spent 30 min writing this post instead of making dinner. I just need to figure out what to do with it 🙂