Month: September 2015

We were all Annoying Teens

My brother and sister are 15 years old. For those of you with teenagers, I’m sure your mind can instantly picture what this is like. For those of you without teenagers, I highly recommend making a friend that has teenage children. Just sit and observe. It’s an odd combination of complete frustration, and reminiscent understanding. At one moment I want to hug them and say, “It’s ok! This is a horrible time that we all had to endure. You’re doing great.” And then the next moment I want to yell at them, “Seriously? Calm the frick down you unstable, hormonal, crazy teenager!”

So I’ve been thinking about what I wish I knew as a teenager. Of course, I most likely would have dismissed any advice given, but I want to throw this out there anyways. It’s an odd thing to be an adolescent. I remember thinking, “I’m not stupid. I know I don’t know everything. It’s so insulting that adults always joke about how teenagers think they know everything.” I felt so miniscule compared to the rest of the world. And I KNEW I had so much to learn. But that stereotype of the all knowing teen still stands strong. As a now 30 year old, I sit contemplating how you can know you know nothing, and still be seen as a know it all.

The humility was lacking. Not that I was over cocky, I just lacked the experience of life. The moment I realized this, was my junior year in high school. I went with a group to Juarez, Mexico over Christmas. The poverty was something I had never seen before. I realized how little I knew about the world, and myself. After returning, I remember feeling frustrated with my peers. I wanted to change the world, and believed I could. See, that’s the great thing about the youth and young adults. They have passion without having life beat the shit out of them yet.

I want to give a list of things that are kickass about being an adult. Things for these teens to remember when their life seems so short sighted.

1) You can be a nerd. And I don’t mean just about education. About anything. That thing you love, that you down play now so you don’t get teased? Yeah. You get to own that shit. You like plants? Awesome! Comic books? Sweet! Sports? Wonderful!  Grown ups don’t care. And you don’t have to pretend you like stuff you don’t anymore. If a friend starts talking about how amazing the engine in their car is, you’re allowed to appreciate their passion, but not feel obligated to like it as well. It’s great.

2) You don’t feel the need to explain every single angle of your argument. You share your thoughts, and if they’re not received as right, you can just be done! You don’t feel then need to make anyone understand. I love this. Very soon into a debate I can see if it is a constructive one. If not, I walk away! Do they think they won the argument? I don’t care! It doesn’t matter! It’s so great not approaching topics with a win/lose thought process.

3) Your parents get to be your friends. I know this may sound like a punishment to a teen, but trust me, it’s great. You will start to want to talk to them about stuff, and hear about their experiences. It’s like finding that the map for life was in your hands the whole time, you were just looking at the wrong side. Flip that shit over and breathe a sigh of relief!

4) Being bored is a treat. It means all the nagging responsibilities of adulthood are taken care of. And you know how to take care of the boredom. It’s exciting when you realize, Yay! Now I get to (insert any hobbie. Most likely something related to your nerdiness mentioned in #1). 

5) You’re allowed to mess up. Seriously. You’re allowed to make poor choices. I don’t recommend it, but you will survive it. And you will realize how many other adults have fucked up too. They come out of the woodwork. As long as you’re honest about it, and take responsibility, most grown ups just see it as being human! You’re human! Your life will carry on!

Now, I know there are some great things about being a teen as well. So don’t wish away your youth. Here are some things you will miss as an adult.

1) The passion and excitement. While I still find certain things get me motivated, I have lost a lot of my vigor for certain causes. Embrace it now. Before you have bills and children and all the other mundane grown up crap. Save the animals. Do mission work. Get involved with your community. Tutor the young. You’ll still be able to do this as an adult, but it’s different. You won’t be able to throw your whole heart into it.

2) Travel. Any trip you can take, take it. Make memories with your peers. That life experience you lack? This is where you start to obtain it.

3) Write it down. All of it. Everything. Your thoughts, your experiences, your frustrations, and your ideas. You won’t have time later to write as much as you’d like, and you will forget. Writing it down will give you something many don’t have. The ability to see your growth as a person entering adulthood.

4) Take any classes you can. The sadness I have for not taking advantage of the education I was offered lingers with me. There will not be another time in your life you’re allowed to JUST learn. As an adult, we actually have to sacrifice other aspects of our life to obtain an education. Do it now. Before you have a full time job, and family, and a mortgage. All classes. Literature, art, science, language…any and all you can find.

5) Be with your friends as much as you can. There will come a day that you will realize you haven’t seen your best friend in months. You will have to schedule lunch or just send them a message. It’s a sad reality of adulthood.

6) Laugh when people try to put you down for being a teen. They may not admit it, but they were there too. Just know, this is such a short time in life. You don’t have to feel ashamed of your lack of wisdom. Acknowledge you don’t have a freaking clue, and know someday you will. Let go of the frustration and be content with the part of life you are currently in.

So to all the teens out there, you annoy me. Not because I don’t know what you feel or think (it’s almost painful how much I feel your feelings and know your thoughts), but because I wish I would have been ok with myself back then. I want to take you and open your eyes to all you have in front of you. I want to go back and tell teenage Beth that I didn’t need to get mad at myself and that I wasn’t alone. You will hear these words time and time again. Just smile, and be ok with it. You’ll get where you need to be.

I Have Better Balance with a Net

I have written before about my months being “homeless”. For those who haven’t read about my time without a home, I would like to stress, I was not on the street, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I miss it. I have found myself, for the last few months, trying to recreate those couple months of my life. Only this time, I am trying to do it on my own. It’s not working.

I try to be a problem solver about these type things. I need to figure out why living in someone’s basement, with 3 times the amount of people, only about 10% of my possessions, was more peaceful and encouraging than what I am doing now. I still work the same places. I still have bills. I still have children. What is the variable in all this?

Last week I was talking to my mom. Just normal mother daughter stuff. I was telling her how sick of surviving I was. That I wish I could just go out and take chances and do things. It’s not fair. I was telling her about how I wished I was naive to the world. That I was wished that I could just be stupid. Some people I meet are so dumb, yet so successful. I’ve talked to people before and thought, how do you make so much more than me? You, my friend, are an idiot. Why can’t I just be like that? See, the problem is, I know where I lack. I know there is so much more to things than we originally see. I feel small when I think about how much there is to learn, how much life I have not seen. How complex the inner workings of each human encounter and situation is. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I want to not be self aware. I want to just think I can do something, and be so confident, that everyone around me just believes I can too. How can I just block out the part of me that knows my pit falls?

I told my mom what a Debbie Downer I was. People give me such great solutions, “you should just…. why don’t you just….if I were you I would just….” And I find holes in their logic every time. I sound like I’m making excuses. People assume I am not really looking for a solution. How do I just block out that part of me that dissects every aspect of other’s suggestions? My mom said, you can’t block that out. You don’t have a safety net. Some people have no idea what it’s like to live their life without a safety net.

My mind immediately went into visual mode. I imagined walking on a high wire, with no net. I could feel the anxiety. My pace would be slow and precise. I would be focusing on each step, my breathing, and be preparing myself to squat down and hold the rope if need be. Then I imagined myself doing the same thing with a net. While I would still be trying to keep my balance, I would not have anxiety. I would be watching the finish line, not my feet. My pace would be quicker, and I wouldn’t be concerned with worrying about grabbing on. Worst case, I may have to start again. But I wouldn’t be injured. It would be a set back, but not devastating.

So what does it feel like to not have a net in the real world? Well, first off, you have to assume it’s only you. You can hope for help with things, but never assume. YOU will have to clean, cook, work, drive, plan, tend to the kids, take care of yourself, and make sure things are done in a way you are not setting yourself up for trouble later. Sounds a lot like every day life….except you need to add the anxiety of not having anyone there to help. You need to remember that one little overlook could set you back for a long time. You start saying no to everything. You’re so worried about one foot in front of the other, even if there is something that could help you down the road, you do not have the ability to look up from your own feet. You miss out on things that could help you, or chose not to take risks that would benefit you, because it’s too much of a gamble. You can’t concern yourself with “making the most” of anything. Your job is to just survive and get through it.

Now, add in the spectators. Those who are watching you, and see what you’re missing. Yelling “don’t do that!” Or “I can’t believe you missed that!” Try to block them out. Yes, they have a better view of the big picture. From where they’re standing, they can give all the right advice. But they are not up on the wire with you. They can’t feel how much give is left in it, or how tired or weak you feel. They are not going to catch you if you fall, and you don’t expect them to risk themselves to try to. You just take a step at a time, and rest when you need to.

Now, back to living with the Collins family. It was the first time in years I felt safe. They had given me a net. They didn’t take away had I had to do in life, they simply gave me the ability to not just survive it. Their cheers from below were reminders that if I fell, they would help me back up on the wire. They took the anxiety away. I was able to look up and actually make decisions for my life.

So I’m back without a net. It is what it is. I now know, I need to make my own net. While I was so graciously allowed to borrow theirs for a short time, it is theirs. They need it for their family, and their own life challenges. So that is what I need to do now. I need to take a break from the task at hand and figure out how to make a net for myself and my family, so that I can progress forward in life. What will that net be? Saving money? A higher education? Making connections and finding resources? I don’t know yet. Right now I feel like my task is untangling the knotted material that could be my net. Look at what I have to use, and figure out how to make it work.

For those out there with a net. When you see someone that seems to be struggling with something that seems to have a simple solution, ask yoursef: If I didn’t have my spouse, my savings, my degree, my connections and life experiences, or my plan b, what would I do? If you have the ability to offer your net temporarily, do it. If you can help with the tangled mess they have so they can make their own net, even better.

For those with no net. You are not alone. Don’t ever let others make you feel bad about how your are walking the wire. There are those who see your struggle and want to help. Take one step at a time and rest when you need to. It may seem hopeless, the end may seem too far to ever reach. You may have to just stop, hold on, and cry. Do it. You’re the one up there, you’re the one that knows your limits and all you have to lose if you take a wrong step. And I will try to be a cheerleader for you. I will try to offer a net when I can. You, my friend, have my deepest admiration for having to go through life with the added anxiety and fear others don’t have to experience. You are not weak or stupid. You are stronger and more self aware than most, and you need to know that about yourself.