Month: November 2015

Pain is the Price, and I Gladly Pay

My dad died a year ago today. Life did go on. I did learn to laugh and smile again. Bills were paid, work was done, and friendships were made. At the beginning, I couldn’t understand how we were going to be able to do it. My mind could not fathom how a pain so deep could ever ease. For almost 30 years, there was a person who loved and supported me, and he was gone. How do you live without someone you have no memory of being without? But here I am, surviving and living.

Today I was asked why I was still sad. Why I was still holding on to the grief. They said they have lost a lot of people in their life, and they don’t let it get them down. People die. We all do. They don’t understand the holding on thing.

My first thought was, are you fucking kidding me? I am allowed to be sad and miss my dad. Hands down, the least comforting text I could have received today. You don’t tell a pregnant woman to “get over it” in any circumstance. Doing it when she is missing her dad who died suddenly last year, is a new level of asshole I didn’t know existed. The tears of hurt and anger streamed down my face. How could anyone have such little compassion?

After my complete shock and hurt calmed, I felt pity. I felt sorry for this man. That he has no one in his life he could say losing would be devastating. That there is no one he loves so deeply, it would change who he was if they weren’t here. How lonely. What a sad life.

Loving is risky. Loving wholeheartedly, pretty much insures pain. We do all die. All of us. So why do we attach and love? What’s the point if we know that the deeper we care, the more horrid the pain? We love because the benefit is worth the pain of loss. We give a part of ourselves to people, they give a part of themselves to us. When we do this with the right people, we know that person makes us a better person, and hopefully we make them a better person.

Life is a miserable thing. There are things we enjoy to do, that will ease the pain of living, things we like and look forward to. But a hobby or a fun moment lacks the substance to keep us happy to be alive long term.

Knowing my dad, loving my dad, and losing my dad have all played a part of who I am. This is how I get through in this dark cruel world. Knowing that one person can make such a huge difference in my life. I am glad his death hit me so hard. I am glad that I have people in my life that I love so much that their death will change me. Because that means their life has changed me too.

So I will grieve today. I will think about my daddy. I will be sad. I will cry. I will also pick up my kids from school, do some laundry, make dinner, and go to the store. I will continue to live. Just like I have been doing for a year. But I will not apologize for acknowledging his death changed me. I will not pretend it is not still very painful. I will not feel like I need to explain myself. If you cannot comprehend this type of deep rooted pain, my heart breaks for you. This pain reminds me of how loved I was by him. This ache in my heart tells me it was real. These tears are a welcomed, they let me know I have a big heart that can love.

Honestly, I Didn’t Really Want This Gift

I’m pregnant. Seventeen weeks at this time. This will be kid #4. That is a lot of kids. This pregnancy was completely unexpected, and honestly, not wanted. I waited to blog about this. I wanted to wait until the shock and complete life meltdown had calmed.

Well. It didn’t calm. As I sat in that doctors office at my 12 week appointment, I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen, I waited to feel something. Anything but anxiety. Nothing. No tears were shed. No happy emotion was felt. I was blank. Then I was angry. I was really counting on seeing the baby to snap me into excitement. I know I cannot be the only person out there to feel this way. So I tried a different approach to help myself become excited. Fake it until you make it, right? There is so much faking it while you’re pregnant. I am regularly on social media, and post cute belly shots, funny pregnancy memes, and keep a very positive attitude about it. Here’s a secret, those are for me, not my Facebook friends. I am really wanting to be excited about a baby. I just can’t seem to get there.

Years ago, I worked at Starbucks. A regular customer came in, noticeably upset. She had just found out she was pregnant. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset. She was married, in her 30s, and a great 8 year old son. Why wasn’t she thrilled about this? I now understand. She was done. Her life was on a different path. Her entire life was going to change. Everything.

I get corrected a lot when I’m honest about it. It’s frustrating. I’m allowed to be upset, even devastated about this. It is life changing. “But you’re such a great mom!” Yes. And I will be a great mom that loves this kid as well. Still upsetting. “Babies are a blessing!” Well. I didn’t want this blessing right now. I was enjoying and content with the blessing of having self sufficient children. “You’re so strong! You got this!” While I know that is supposed to be encouraging, maybe I don’t want to be strong. Maybe just once I was happy to not have to sacrifice every single part of who I am for another person. Even if that person is my kid.

See, as a parent, it’s hard to be honest about the shitty parts of parenting. The assumption is that if you don’t love every part, or find those hardships as cute little roadblocks, you’re less of a parent. This is such a fucking lie. Every parent out there has times they hate it. I love my kids more than anything. But being a parent really does suck sometimes. Especially for a single parent. I am now expected to sacrifice my body for over a year, my hobbies, my social life, and I have to do it alone. No one to tell me I’m pretty. No one to run out and get me craving food. No one to lay holding my tummy, trying to feel kicks. No one to ease my anxiety about having another child. No one to be excited when I’m having days where I feel like I can’t do it. Alone.

I know I chose to keep this baby. I know I will be so happy and joyful watching this amazing kid grow. I know that someday I will read back on this and be glad I’m past it. I also know that right now, carrying this child is a burden. It makes me feel isolated and alone. It makes me angry at the dad. It makes me angry at god. It makes me angry at myself. It makes me bitter and jealous of all those people who’s biggest problem is deciding on the nursery theme. It makes me feel selfish. I have to tell myself no about so much, and this means even more no’s.

So all you out there reading this that have supported me, thank you for the positive words. I really do appreciate it. I really am trying to be happy about it. Please continue the support. It is a wonderful distraction to the reality of the situation.

For those who are feeling the same, it’s ok, I know how much it sucks to have to fake it. To feel like your missing out on all those happy pregnancy moments, because you’re not happy. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or going to be a bad mom. It means you’re human.

Now, I will go back to my positive social media posts, and move forward. I know it will all click at some point. I’ll get there eventually, and I am working on not beating myself up to badly on it taking so long. I’m a pretty impatient person.