My dad died a year ago today. Life did go on. I did learn to laugh and smile again. Bills were paid, work was done, and friendships were made. At the beginning, I couldn’t understand how we were going to be able to do it. My mind could not fathom how a pain so deep could ever ease. For almost 30 years, there was a person who loved and supported me, and he was gone. How do you live without someone you have no memory of being without? But here I am, surviving and living.
Today I was asked why I was still sad. Why I was still holding on to the grief. They said they have lost a lot of people in their life, and they don’t let it get them down. People die. We all do. They don’t understand the holding on thing.
My first thought was, are you fucking kidding me? I am allowed to be sad and miss my dad. Hands down, the least comforting text I could have received today. You don’t tell a pregnant woman to “get over it” in any circumstance. Doing it when she is missing her dad who died suddenly last year, is a new level of asshole I didn’t know existed. The tears of hurt and anger streamed down my face. How could anyone have such little compassion?
After my complete shock and hurt calmed, I felt pity. I felt sorry for this man. That he has no one in his life he could say losing would be devastating. That there is no one he loves so deeply, it would change who he was if they weren’t here. How lonely. What a sad life.
Loving is risky. Loving wholeheartedly, pretty much insures pain. We do all die. All of us. So why do we attach and love? What’s the point if we know that the deeper we care, the more horrid the pain? We love because the benefit is worth the pain of loss. We give a part of ourselves to people, they give a part of themselves to us. When we do this with the right people, we know that person makes us a better person, and hopefully we make them a better person.
Life is a miserable thing. There are things we enjoy to do, that will ease the pain of living, things we like and look forward to. But a hobby or a fun moment lacks the substance to keep us happy to be alive long term.
Knowing my dad, loving my dad, and losing my dad have all played a part of who I am. This is how I get through in this dark cruel world. Knowing that one person can make such a huge difference in my life. I am glad his death hit me so hard. I am glad that I have people in my life that I love so much that their death will change me. Because that means their life has changed me too.
So I will grieve today. I will think about my daddy. I will be sad. I will cry. I will also pick up my kids from school, do some laundry, make dinner, and go to the store. I will continue to live. Just like I have been doing for a year. But I will not apologize for acknowledging his death changed me. I will not pretend it is not still very painful. I will not feel like I need to explain myself. If you cannot comprehend this type of deep rooted pain, my heart breaks for you. This pain reminds me of how loved I was by him. This ache in my heart tells me it was real. These tears are a welcomed, they let me know I have a big heart that can love.
thatbethy 