Month: December 2015

I give you permission to feel guilty

Years ago, I was a part of an online pregnancy board. It was an open group with women due in February 2007, and we shared everything from baby bump pictures, to husband rants, to emotional break downs. I loved it. It was a way to have other woman say, “You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. Me too.”

One day there was a post that came up about our newly born babies. It wasn’t anything huge or life changing. It was about giving a newborn water. This mom was irritated that her doctor said the baby didn’t need the water. That all the hydration the baby needed was in the bottles, and giving them water was robbing them of nutrients. This mom was very upset. She felt that the doctor was implying that she was a bad mom, and said that her mom gave her water as an infant and she turned out fine. So he needed to back off his opinions. 

I sat there, and read the comments. A lot of moms did the, “You’re the mom, you know what’s best!” And “I have given all my babies water and they have no problems.” And “You go mama! You stand up for your baby!” Then there was me. I said something along the lines of, “Why do you think they need water? If they’re not benefiting from it, why is it so important that they have it?” Release the dogs. Unknowingly, I stepped over a line. Mom’s rushed to her defense. Said I was just trying to pick a fight. That we aren’t about judgment, and she’s allowed to choose whatever she feels is best for her baby.

This was one of my first experiences with Internet parental affirmation. I just didn’t get it. Yeah, your baby will most likely be fine. But is it the best for them? Don’t you want them to have everything you had an MORE? Why is this woman so adamant with staying with something that she was told isn’t the best? So your mom did it and you turned out fine….so? If you learn better, shouldn’t you be wanting to do better?

Now fast forward 9 years. This affirmation of our choices has become a daily thing. I do it too. You see a meme that perfectly describes what you’re feeling, and with the click of a button you share it with hundreds of your friends. You want to be lazy? There are people to tell you you deserve it, take a break! You are unhealthy and need physical activity? No you don’t! There are funny memes about eating whole pizzas and bacon. You want to go out and party all your money away? You came to the right place! Live it up while you’re young!

Let me restate. I do it too. This is not meant to belittle anyone in particular. When I feel guilty about wasting an entire day playing phone games, I just write a mildly funny status about it, wait for the “likes” to roll in, and let the guilt wash away. But here is the problem with that. Sometimes, I should feel guilty about it. It is my job as a mother to make sure the dishes are done and the laundry is clean. Why have I turned into someone who is seeking to be affirmed in my mediocrity? Shouldn’t I want better than just getting by? Where did that Bethy who believed “if you learn better, do better” go?

We don’t like finding out the way we do things needs to change. We get defensive as if it is an attack on who we are as a person when we find out we need to improve on something. Our mindset has changed from, “How can I be better for myself and my kids?” To, “See, I’m not the only one like this.” There is a problem with this. If you’re more interested in finding affirmation, so you can maintain being stagnant in life, than you are in growing and learning, you will spend your life feeling like you’re constantly on the defense. We know deep down if we’re just trying to justify our laziness. I have had completely guilt free lazy days. And then I’ve had days where I really needed to do things, and chose not to. We know the difference. We just keep trying to make the guilt go away by getting peer support.

Think. That’s what it really comes down to. If your first reaction is feeling attacked when the doctor says “No bottles of water”, ask yourself why. Are you just embarrassed you were doing it wrong and we’re corrected? Or is it that you don’t like the thought of changing what you were doing? Or is it really the best? We read these lists, “6 reasons to dump your man” or “Top 10 reasons to focus on yourself”, etc. We feel affirmed in whatever action we are doing, or in a choice we wanted an excuse to make. Now, I love these posts too, but you HAVE to ask yourself if this is something that’s going to help you improve yourself, or if you just want rid yourself of guilt. You know perfectly well if you’re cutting yourself short.

With all that said, I will most likely still post about being in my PJs all day, and wait for all the other moms to like my status, just so I don’t feel bad about not showering for 2 days. And hopefully, after reading this blog post, I don’t get any, “Is being lazy and gross really the best way to spend you day, Bethy?” But if I do, I will laugh a bit to myself. Because I’m a pretty self aware person, and I guarantee the only reason I posted it was because I knew deep down it wasn’t the best way to spend my day. 

Young Enough to Learn Better

A couple weeks ago, my child was spanked by someone I know. She was being 5, kicking his foot repeatedly (thinking she was funny) and he gave her a swat. I did not see this transpire. I was standing about 6 feet away in a crowded room, and walked over to see her staring, eyes slightly red (as if she were going to cry). He stated that she kicked him and needed to apologize. I assumed she got embarrassed and froze up. I told her she needed to say sorry, that kicking can hurt. She said sorry and he walked away in a huff.

Later, I noticed she wasn’t quite herself. I asked her what was wrong. What happened when she kicked him? She said she kicked him too hard and he spanked her. That she couldn’t say sorry, because she was trying not to cry.

Pause. Breathe. My mind raced with rage. Who the hell hits someone else’s child? But my job is to bring peace and comfort to my child, not instill fear or worry. So I asked her if it hurt. She said no, it just surprised her. I told her it was ok to feel embarrassed and sad about it. I told her that this man was a dad too, so he probably just responded how he would with his own child….but she wasn’t his child. So it’s not ok that he spanked her. Only our parents are allowed to spank their children. So I would talk to him. Tell him our rules, so he will know that is not ok. Because I’m the mom. That’s what moms do, they make sure their kids are ok, and that other grown ups know our rules. She smiled, hugged me, and it has not been brought up or talked about since.

So now I was faced with the task of talking to this man about it. I wanted to make sure I was clear with it, but also wanted to make sure to control my urge verbally rip this guy a new asshole. So I texted him. I expressed my conversation with her to him, and stated I do not want him to ever spank my children.

Now, if his response would have been, “I’m sorry. I was raised differently. It won’t happen again.” I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. See, we’ve all done things before and not realized it contradicts a parents rules. The correct response is “I’m sorry.” Not justification, not blaming, just sorry or a possible, “thanks for letting me know.” Showing respect for a parents rules (even if you don’t agree with them) can defuse the entire situation.

I have daughters. I am a single mother. I have spent my children’s entire lives instilling in them that it is not ok for a man to hit them. No person is ever allowed to put a hand on them. I also have worked very hard on making sure they know they can talk to me and that I will be their advocate. If they have a problem with an adult, just walk away and come to me about it. That’s MY job to handle it, not theirs.

After approaching this man about it, I was told, “I wasn’t mean or did it hard. I won’t do it again, but I’m not putting up with a kid acting like that.” And “I am nice to the kids. It’s not like I slapped her across the face.” And very similarly, “She needs respect people’s space and learn stop means stop. I’ve been nice to her. I won’t spank her again, but I’m not dealing with it. Period.” And my favorite (when I told him he needs to come to me if he feels she is taking it too far), “Talk to you? When? I hardly ever get a word in with you.” (That was a nice jab a me, eh?)

She is 5. Anyone know a 5 year old? They play…and joke….and take it just past the point of ok sometimes. This is the age they’re learning their boundaries. Especially with people they don’t know. It’s hard for them to gauge when something is ok, and when it’s not. That’s what parents are for. To help them learn when appropriate times for rough play are. To help them learn how to read people and to know what’s acceptable and what’s not. That’s MY job.

Back to the blame thing. His response floored me. HE is the adult. I can understand a 5 year old struggling with self control, but there is no excuse for a grown man to impulsively spank a child and not take responsibility for being out of line. Thousands of teachers, daycare workers, babysitters, and other adults deal with AWFUL, truly disrespectful children. And somehow, control their urge to use any sort of physical discipline every day. He was out of line. I don’t care if it wasn’t a “slap across the face”, I will not have my daughter’s think it’s ok for a man to hit them, even if they “deserve it”. I will not let them grow up feeling that an adult’s actions are their fault or that somehow in their control.

I started writing this blog in the hopes to convay the importance of teaching our daughter’s to not feel that just because someone is bigger, older, in charge, etc, that they should ever be ok with being physically reprimanded. That they should never feel like they deserve it. See, I reaffirmed in my sweet 5 year old something that has already been established. It’s a non issue now. I doubt she’s even thought about it since it happened. But it’s on my mind constantly. Because I am a woman who knows how scary it can be in the world.

I want to jump back to 18 year old Bethy. I was seeing this guy for a short period of time. He was a “nice guy”. We would play wrestle sometimes, and he would physically overpower me. Then he would laugh and ease up. I would get a brief panic, and then laugh it off. Then it happened. He came over one day and said, “We’re going to have sex.” I laughed and said no we’re not. He looked at me with a dead straight face and said, “I wasn’t asking.” I had sex with him. I didn’t want to be raped. I knew I was no match for him physically, and just got it over with.

Maybe he was joking. Maybe I could have said no, and he would have been mad, walked away, and there would be no lasting memory of this. Maybe. But see, he had already proven his dominance over me. Those moments of panic and feeling over powered were red flags I played off as no big deal. He had so masterfully made me feel like it was my fault, I didn’t even fight it.

THIS is what I’m trying to teach my daughters. To walk away from people when the red flags go up, not when it’s too late. Is the man that spanked my daughter abusive? I doubt it. Honestly, I feel like he’s just that self focused that he couldn’t get past his feelings of embarrassment to hear what I was saying. But I wasn’t making a fuss over this for him. It was for her. That little girl that needs to know our bodies are ours. That setting boundaries isn’t about the other person’s feelings. It’s about listening to that thing inside that tells us something isn’t right. It’s about being ok with making someone mad at you.

I’m too poor to give a sh*t

I used to love politics. Back before there was a witty meme to express every view. Back before social media enabled people to share each and every political thought or feeling. I was pumped up about it. I was inspired. I knew what I believed to be true, and felt people needed to hear why. I honestly felt I could change things, I could, and would, make a difference.

Now I just don’t care. I’m too poor to care. Yes, too poor. I never noticed this before I hit the poverty line, but being poor really does make it impossible to care or have concern about anything past what’s directly in front of you. My mind will start to wander on things, then, like a daydreaming child, life slaps a ruler on my desk to bring me back to reality.

I used to consider myself a conservative. I was very vocal about it. If you didn’t work for it, you’re not entitled to it. We should keep what is ours. Keep the government out of my pockets! I could keep going, but you get the idea. As a young 20-something, I looked at life with excitement and possibility. Not everything in life was great, but those are just life lessons. I work hard, I love my kids, I knew I was going places. Those who were struggling, really should just work harder. They really should have made better life choices. I mean, I’m all about helping the poor, but not the ones who are out there fucking up their own life, they need to take responsibility. I’m not going to be their enabler.

I was such an arrogant asshole. The audacity I had, that somehow I was financially better off because I deserved it more? The mentality that only certain people deserved help, and somehow I believed that I had the ability to discern who is worthy? I wasn’t making better choices. I wasn’t somehow more enlightened. But I felt I was. I looked at the poor as this group of people who were in a vicious cycle. A few may escape, but it’s their value system that’s flawed. They embrace ignorance. I would help with Habitat for Humanity, or at the soup kitchen, and pity these people. I would say I cared, and even try to get out there and do things to help, but my vision was still fogged by this underlining superiority I didn’t even realize I had.

I love reading 1984. If you haven’t read it since high school, I recommend picking up a copy and read it as an adult. I have read it at least a dozen times. Each time, I find something new jumps out at me. This time, it is the proles. I never understood them. I assumed, they were probably just uneducated and simple minded. How the heck can they go about life, with everything that happens in that society and just let it happen? Even Winston points out their large numbers. If there is ever to be any change, it lies with the proles. I realized, I am a prole now. My life is consumed by daily tasks. I really don’t care what happens in politics. I just want to be with my kids, and make sure I can put food in the fridge. I look forward to little breaks from the harshness of life, and refuse to spend that time doing anything but stuff I enjoy. I am too poor to care.

It’s quite ingenious isn’t it? This system we have set up? That the rich are allowed to give us just enough to survive off of, but not enough to to feel content? Contentment is a dangerous thing. That’s where people start to think. Contentment is the place where ideas and change are allowed to be born and nourished.  I can hear 20 year old Bethy now, “You shouldn’t be expecting handouts. If you want a better life, you need to work for it.” There is no arguing with 20 year old Bethy. So, I would sigh, smile, and say, yes. I need to work hard.

Conservatives are so selfish. I don’t know if they are aware that they are, but their ideas and thoughts are very “survival of the fittest”. Every day we make choices. Their advice to me, is to be heartless, selfish, and self focused. To clarify, I am not talking about being this way to other’s that are poor. They are suggesting I need to be this way to my own family. Because that’s what it would take. My choice everyday is to focus my efforts on myself and my wants, or my children. Believe me. I could very easily become wealthy and successful without my children. Every daily action, every job choice, every….well, everything, is done with the understanding that I am mother. Forever. I chose to abandon my wants and desires.

I’m not saying liberal is the way to be. Honestly, I feel they are all the same. Their ultimate goal is to keep the poor where they are. They will feed us news clips to bring out what little passion or anger we have. They will encourage funny memes (Because if it’s witty or funny, it’s way easier to get behind than a boring slogan), and I will continue to not have the time or energy to care. I am exactly where they want me.

All that being said, now I have to go. Because I have to take a shower, go to work, and talk about the weather with clients. I will most likely try to analyze current friendships or relationships. I will tell my coworkers about my current life dramas, and hear about theirs. Then, I will get my kids and try to scrape together dinner. After homework and bedtime, I will most likely spend 2 hours scrolling through fb and playing puzzlequest. Then, I will sleep. I acknowledge I am a prole, but have yet to be offered a solution that is currently obtainable. So, I will keep on with life, one day at a time.