Month: March 2016

Seriously, it doesn’t have to be serious.

Today I read 4th graders the story of Rigoberta Menchú Tum. If you don’t know who she is, she is a Guatemalan woman, born in 1959, who fought for the indigenous people during their civil war. Her life was full of loss and hardship. She started working, (coffee beans) at the age of 8 with her parents. Her brother died of malnutrition. Her father died in an embassy that was bombed, and her mother was kidnapped and killed.

Heavy stuff for 4th graders. After we discussed her story, I told the kids, “It’s hard for us to imagine this. We have certain laws to protect us. Child labor laws. Minimum wage. Etc. We know if we go to work for a certain amount, that’s how much we’re going to be paid.”

Now that these kids heads are clicking along, comes the final writing. I said, “Imagine you’re babysitting. You make a certain amount. It seems fair for the work it takes to babysit. Then, you find out a friend of yours is also babysitting, but they make $2.00 an hour more than you. Who do you feel? What are you going to do about this?”

Blank stares. “What if we don’t care?”

This was a tough one. Usually our writing is fun, no limit, fantasy. What if you don’t care? Why don’t you care? Should a wage gap bother you? If it does, why is it so hard to approach your employer about a raise? Are you mad at the friend, or the employer? Why?

Man oh man. I was curious about what these kids were going to say. I always anticipate they’re writings. Kids, a lot of times, write what they think is the “right answer”. So I assumed that I would get a lot of “I would tell the people I was babysitting for I am raising my price.” Or “I wouldn’t say anything because what I made was fine.” Or “I would find a different job.” Kids tend to be predictable…..or so I thought.

I had a few students share. (I am paraphrasing here) “I just found out my friend makes more than me. I am going to sabotage her. I will go over while she’s babysitting and clog the toilet. Then, I will give the kids a bunch of sugar so they’re hyper. Then, I will trash the house.” Well. That’s not what I was expecting to hear. “I just found out my friend makes more than me. And it’s not fair. I am way better than he is at babysitting. So I will destroy his job. First, I will find a ninja suit to wear….”

I just laughed as these kids giggled through reading their stories. It was obvious by how their stories played out, they didn’t really feel this was the best course of action, but they decided to go with it.

“Yes, and…” I try to keep this mindset while teaching. So how the frick do I support these writings while at the same time reaffirm the class that we do not condone sabotage?  I mean, these thoughts are honest. Who doesn’t immediately think of the extreme when they feel wronged? Even Rigoberta felt like burning down the plantation when her parents were wronged. But she didn’t.

Ah. There it is. She didn’t. I have had visions of flipping tables at jobs I didn’t like. But I never have. I have had clients that were so incredibly rude and difficult, I imagine grabbing their hair and cutting a chunk right out of it. But I have never done that. Impulse control. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should.

So here are these 4th graders. A little bummed out to find out their writing doesn’t get to be about mythical creatures, or superheroes, or any of that fun stuff. Yet, they found a way.

This has made me happy all day. We lose so much as we grow when it comes to creativity and imagination. Or, we find an “all or nothing” approach to fantasy. There doesn’t have to be goblins or dragons to make our stories exciting. Our own minds can come up with these outrageous responses naturally. We, of course, dismiss them as actual possible actions, but they’re there.

What makes a story? Conflict and resolution. But what makes a story great? Plot twists. Unpredictable characters. These kids get it. They spiced up a potentially boring writing by simply choosing to imagine themselves without the trained impulse control. And it was splendid.

Indulge in Actual Self-Care

My kids go to a private school. I will admit openly and honestly, that there is no way in hell I could afford to send them there on my own. If it weren’t for financial assistance from the school, and donations from people, they would not go there.

Each year, I have to fill out my paperwork verifying my income. Guess what I didn’t do last year. My paperwork. So, I was charged full tuition. Yeah. I can’t afford it. I am now at a point where my kids need to register again. And I have literally paid nothing on this current year. This is a lingering stress that I keep putting off.

Why the hell do I keep putting this off? My kids have been at this school since they started preschool! The school knows us. They know our story. They know our background. For fricks sake, it’s where I graduated from and where my mom graduated from! Why don’t I just go down there and talk to them? They always find a way.

Why? Because I’m a coward. And I know I’m not the only one who does this. We ignore these lingering stresses and hope they just go away. Stop real quick and think, what is that thing I’m putting off? I bet the moment it popped in your head, your stomach sank.

In Beth fashion, I now want to change subjects (spoiler…they are connected).

Self care vs. Self indulgence. 

I get on social media and I see these posts about taking care of ourselves. People taking bubble baths, eating their favorite comfort foods, or splurging on a new outfit. All things I have done. All things I enjoy. But those things are not self care. They are self indulgent. And that’s ok with moderation. Who doesn’t love turning the world off and making yourself feel good? But, again, not self care. I see them more as relaxing techniques to prepare your the actual care you need to do as an adult, or a reward once you’ve completed your daily duties.

That stress in the pit of your stomach will not be cared for because you lit candles and soaked in a bath. You know what will make it go away? Paying that bill that’s past due. Those comfort foods will not cause you to feel less overwhelmed. But you know what will? Sorting that stack of papers and mail that are consuming your table. Binge-watching Netflix will not lessen your anxiety about the next week, but you know what will? Making those appointments and phone calls you need to make.

We feel bad not doing what we’re supposed to. We seek ways to make ourselves feel better. We justify these things to ourselves and wait for the relief to come. It doesn’t come. The stress and anxiety does not lessen. Adulthood sucks sometimes. I get no credit when I pay bills or I clean my house. But you better believe the shit will hit the fan if I don’t.

We need to acknowledge our self indulgence for what it is. It’s our internal reward for having to do shitty grown up stuff. Quit treating it as self care. Don’t get me wrong, I am supportive of an amount of self indulgence. Buy that handbag. Sit in your PJs all day and do nothing….after you take care of yourself. Self indulgent behavior will leave you feeling empty and more stressed otherwise. We HAVE TO take care of those lingering responsibilities first. THAT is true self care. You know how you can tell? Because you feel accomplished.

Back to the school thing. The other day, I decided to get a sandwich at a restaurant I hadn’t been to in a long time. I sat down at the booth, and looked up. Two booths away was the head of the school’s business office. Shear and utter panic came over me. *Oh shit. Oh shit. I’ve been ignoring his emails. I haven’t called him. Oh frick…he saw me. He’s coming over*

You know what happened? I told him I was sorry. I was being a coward about it. I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. He told me he just wanted to make sure we did what we needed so the kids could be registered. We set up an appointment to talk. He left the table, and for the first time since last fall, I felt like I could breathe. It was that easy. I have been living with this underlying stress for MONTHS and now, all of a sudden, it was gone.

Self care. If I really wanted to relieve my anxiety and calm my nerves, I should have sat down and done this on my own. Those “lazy days” and self indulgent attempts at calming my nerves did nothing but give me guilt over putting off my adult responsibility. 

You guys, make that phone call. Pay that bill. Clean the fridge out. Do that thing that is stressing you. And then, when it’s all done, go buy yourself and ice cream cone as a reward. Because adulthood does suck sometimes.