Tag: boundaries

If you throw a big enough stink, the answers still no.

Not too long ago I had a conversation with someone about her teenage son. Just normal teenage irritation, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

We get a lot of snow in Michigan. This woman bought a new snowblower right before we had a major lake effect snow day. Her son, very eager to use this new machine, offered to clear the driveway. She told him no. She wanted to look at it first. She had a friend coming over to show her how to use it, and he could show her son too.

Her son lost it. Full 17 year old temper tantrum. He felt that he could figure it out and should be allowed to. She maintained her no. More huffing and puffing and swearing about it.

She called her friend and they decided to wait on him coming over since her son was throwing a fit all around the house. Her friend told her that was best. But she needed to realize that even though she’s not wrong to say no, on the guy side of it, her son probably felt emasculated.

She carried on with her reasoning. It’s a expensive piece of equipment and she doesn’t want it to end up broken. She wants to make sure she got the right one. It’s her home and she is allowed to say no. And so on.

I finally told her, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. While it’s nice to give a reason, it really comes down to, she owns it. She gets to decide how and when it’s used. She can decide to put the snowblower on her roof for decoration if she wants. As the owner of the house and the snowblower, she gets to make those calls. He felt emasculated? Who effing cares. Since when does a 17 year old boy’s fragile ego take priority over his parent’s very direct “no”?

That’s the thing. We live in a world where it does. Woman, very often, have to cater to grown men’s fragile egos on a daily basis. Like, constantly. In the home, in the workplace, in social situations, everywhere we go we have to worry about threatening men’s masculinity.

He threw a fit over a no. He threw himself around the house yelling and making his anger know. Because a woman told him no to something he wanted to do. Has he been told no before? Absolutely. Will he be told no again? Absolutely.

I reassured her that not only did she do the right thing by cancelling, but it was imperative that she stuck with it. Her son will be told no at college parties. He will be told no by professors. He will be told know by bosses. He will be told no. And some will be woman.

What will he do when he has a “great idea” at work, and his female boss cuts him of and tells him she doesn’t care. Will he just do as asked? Or will he throw a fit because “if she would just listen to his idea…”

What will happen when he’s out at a party and flirting with a girl and he wants her to come with him and she says no? Will be be respectful? Or will he corner or force her?

I do not give an eff about your manliness. I care about the females that have to work with you. I care about your female boss who can’t get you to do your job the way she asks without question. I care about the young women you meet at a party or the ones that decide to date you. I care about your future wife and daughters.

This mom didn’t need me to tell her all that. She had already given the no and stuck by it. But I wanted her to hear out loud what every woman knows internally. That it is imperative for woman in authoritative roles to stand strong when males push back in anger. I wanted to reassure her. I wanted her to know that her decision wasn’t hurting her son’s manhood, and was exactly what he needed.

We need to have these conversations. We need to talk to other women. We need to call it out to men when we see it. Their need for having a protected masculinity is a myth used to keep women in a position of inferiority.

You’re fragile ego is not more important than my right to say no. If a female gives you a no and it makes you angry, you are suffering from toxic masculinity and I recommend you see a therapist to discuss what steps you need to take to fix this defect of entitlement that is plaguing you.

Hi. I am Beth. And I’m a toxic person.

One of my favorite things that social media and technology has brought to my generation is its ability to help us cope, understand, and process dysfunction and toxicity that is in our lives. I see it all the time. People in my age group properly able to identify unhealthy behavior in themselves and in others. That doesn’t mean they necessarily know how to deal with it, but they can identify it. Which is a huge step.

A few weeks back I had a friend say to me, “I feel like I’m gaslighting them! I didn’t even realize I was doing it. They deserve better than that.” My friend was 100% serious and concerned about it. The self awareness this person has in their 30s is astounding to me. They are toxic. They know they are. And they are able to zero in on exactly what they are doing that is dysfunctional, and even tell me why they think they are like this. 

I am a toxic person. I have the potential to suck out all the life of a person. I can manipulate. I can read people and very quickly know what they are insecure about. I can sense vulnerability and dysfunction like a freaking superpower. I can also tell when a person is emotionally healthy. I can feel boundaries that are set (or not set) almost immediately after meeting someone. My comfort zone is filled with toxic interactions and unhealthy behaviors. 

I sound like a gem, eh? Well, I think I am. Not because that stuff doesn’t matter. Because I fight that stuff EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Ask anyone who knew me in my 20s. Talk to my exes. I was not a bad person. But I was broken. The adult I was trying to be was not one on a healthy path. It was one who used white lies, cheated, and manipulated to get my way. I didn’t want to be like that. I did not like seeing the ones I loved hurt by me. 

I started seeing a therapist. I started making a conscious effort. I had to learn how to purge the toxicity from my interactions. It sucked. It was hard. No…not was. It is hard. I find when I’m with other people working on themselves, or people that are emotionally stable, it is easy. I can relax and just be. But the moment someone with dysfunction enters my life, I want to retreat to my ever so toxic comfort zone. I can feel it. I can hear it in what I say. I leave feeling angry at myself. Ashamed. 

I like to cut people in their 20s some slack. That decade is such a shit hole anyways. Add in having to process through childhood/adolescence and you’re left with some pretty lost adults who are trying to sort through 2 decades of preparation for adulthood. It’s exhausting and can be overwhelming. But once you’re in your 30s, get your shit together. You have had over a decade of making your own choices. At this point, your life is what you have made it. Acknowledge what you’ve been through and grow. 

I am a toxic person. I have to know this always. I have to understand and be compassionate to those who distance themselves from me. I have to work 10x as hard to make sure I keep my toxicity from my children. I need to make sure my children find dysfunction uncomfortable and wrong. I have to make sure I guard myself from others who take me by the hand and try to lead me down to that place I’ve escaped from. I need to acknowledge what brought me to this point, but not dwell on it, blame does not add to my growth. I need to know that when I do slip up, I tell whoever I hurt I was wrong and they deserve better. 

If you are a toxic person, you are not a bad person. Every day, every interaction, you have a choice to do better, to be better. Find a therapist. (I know I know, therapist shopping is the WORST. But don’t settle for one that isn’t helping you.) Start working on rewiring yourself. Your life will be happier. Your relationships will be better. You will thrive. 

Young Enough to Learn Better

A couple weeks ago, my child was spanked by someone I know. She was being 5, kicking his foot repeatedly (thinking she was funny) and he gave her a swat. I did not see this transpire. I was standing about 6 feet away in a crowded room, and walked over to see her staring, eyes slightly red (as if she were going to cry). He stated that she kicked him and needed to apologize. I assumed she got embarrassed and froze up. I told her she needed to say sorry, that kicking can hurt. She said sorry and he walked away in a huff.

Later, I noticed she wasn’t quite herself. I asked her what was wrong. What happened when she kicked him? She said she kicked him too hard and he spanked her. That she couldn’t say sorry, because she was trying not to cry.

Pause. Breathe. My mind raced with rage. Who the hell hits someone else’s child? But my job is to bring peace and comfort to my child, not instill fear or worry. So I asked her if it hurt. She said no, it just surprised her. I told her it was ok to feel embarrassed and sad about it. I told her that this man was a dad too, so he probably just responded how he would with his own child….but she wasn’t his child. So it’s not ok that he spanked her. Only our parents are allowed to spank their children. So I would talk to him. Tell him our rules, so he will know that is not ok. Because I’m the mom. That’s what moms do, they make sure their kids are ok, and that other grown ups know our rules. She smiled, hugged me, and it has not been brought up or talked about since.

So now I was faced with the task of talking to this man about it. I wanted to make sure I was clear with it, but also wanted to make sure to control my urge verbally rip this guy a new asshole. So I texted him. I expressed my conversation with her to him, and stated I do not want him to ever spank my children.

Now, if his response would have been, “I’m sorry. I was raised differently. It won’t happen again.” I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. See, we’ve all done things before and not realized it contradicts a parents rules. The correct response is “I’m sorry.” Not justification, not blaming, just sorry or a possible, “thanks for letting me know.” Showing respect for a parents rules (even if you don’t agree with them) can defuse the entire situation.

I have daughters. I am a single mother. I have spent my children’s entire lives instilling in them that it is not ok for a man to hit them. No person is ever allowed to put a hand on them. I also have worked very hard on making sure they know they can talk to me and that I will be their advocate. If they have a problem with an adult, just walk away and come to me about it. That’s MY job to handle it, not theirs.

After approaching this man about it, I was told, “I wasn’t mean or did it hard. I won’t do it again, but I’m not putting up with a kid acting like that.” And “I am nice to the kids. It’s not like I slapped her across the face.” And very similarly, “She needs respect people’s space and learn stop means stop. I’ve been nice to her. I won’t spank her again, but I’m not dealing with it. Period.” And my favorite (when I told him he needs to come to me if he feels she is taking it too far), “Talk to you? When? I hardly ever get a word in with you.” (That was a nice jab a me, eh?)

She is 5. Anyone know a 5 year old? They play…and joke….and take it just past the point of ok sometimes. This is the age they’re learning their boundaries. Especially with people they don’t know. It’s hard for them to gauge when something is ok, and when it’s not. That’s what parents are for. To help them learn when appropriate times for rough play are. To help them learn how to read people and to know what’s acceptable and what’s not. That’s MY job.

Back to the blame thing. His response floored me. HE is the adult. I can understand a 5 year old struggling with self control, but there is no excuse for a grown man to impulsively spank a child and not take responsibility for being out of line. Thousands of teachers, daycare workers, babysitters, and other adults deal with AWFUL, truly disrespectful children. And somehow, control their urge to use any sort of physical discipline every day. He was out of line. I don’t care if it wasn’t a “slap across the face”, I will not have my daughter’s think it’s ok for a man to hit them, even if they “deserve it”. I will not let them grow up feeling that an adult’s actions are their fault or that somehow in their control.

I started writing this blog in the hopes to convay the importance of teaching our daughter’s to not feel that just because someone is bigger, older, in charge, etc, that they should ever be ok with being physically reprimanded. That they should never feel like they deserve it. See, I reaffirmed in my sweet 5 year old something that has already been established. It’s a non issue now. I doubt she’s even thought about it since it happened. But it’s on my mind constantly. Because I am a woman who knows how scary it can be in the world.

I want to jump back to 18 year old Bethy. I was seeing this guy for a short period of time. He was a “nice guy”. We would play wrestle sometimes, and he would physically overpower me. Then he would laugh and ease up. I would get a brief panic, and then laugh it off. Then it happened. He came over one day and said, “We’re going to have sex.” I laughed and said no we’re not. He looked at me with a dead straight face and said, “I wasn’t asking.” I had sex with him. I didn’t want to be raped. I knew I was no match for him physically, and just got it over with.

Maybe he was joking. Maybe I could have said no, and he would have been mad, walked away, and there would be no lasting memory of this. Maybe. But see, he had already proven his dominance over me. Those moments of panic and feeling over powered were red flags I played off as no big deal. He had so masterfully made me feel like it was my fault, I didn’t even fight it.

THIS is what I’m trying to teach my daughters. To walk away from people when the red flags go up, not when it’s too late. Is the man that spanked my daughter abusive? I doubt it. Honestly, I feel like he’s just that self focused that he couldn’t get past his feelings of embarrassment to hear what I was saying. But I wasn’t making a fuss over this for him. It was for her. That little girl that needs to know our bodies are ours. That setting boundaries isn’t about the other person’s feelings. It’s about listening to that thing inside that tells us something isn’t right. It’s about being ok with making someone mad at you.