Tag: change

Selfishness Would be an Improvement

I have written about poverty before. I have touched on many aspects of it. With elections looming over us, I feel compelled to talk about healthcare.

Healthcare. What an odd word/topic to provoke such defensive emotions. You say healthcare, and half the people grab their mental picketing signs, reading “healthcare for all” and the other half grab their mental pitchforks and torches, chanting “down with socialism!” Healthcare guys. The argument that has people in an upheaval is whether or not people deserve healthcare. And the oddest part is, every single person I’ve ever talked to about it, agrees our healthcare system is broken. Every. Single. Person. We all agree on that.

It’s no secret my stance is, healthcare for all. So, like every topic that brings about disagreement, I listen to the other side and try to understand the why. Why are people against it? Why are people so dead set against equality in healthcare? I used to be a conservative Republican. So I search my old arsenal of debates from years ago. I read the posts by my conservative friends.

“I have to pay $____. How is that fair people that don’t work hard get it for free?”

“Socialism is communism for slow learners”

“If you reward those who don’t work for things, they will become dependent”

“If you want healthcare, work hard like the rest of us and buy it yourself. I shouldn’t have to pay for your laziness”

“Where are we going to get the money for it?”

“You shouldn’t let the government have control of your healthcare”

“Other countries who have universal healthcare are shitholes and the wait times/care is horrible”

So I’ve been thinking about all the reasons not to have universal healthcare. Some of the reasons given are just ignorant. It has been proven that universal healthcare would be cheaper than what we have now. It has been proven that other countries have less wait times and better care. We all know that we have many socialist programs already, and that socialism is not communism. So what are we left with. We are left with the fear of things being unfair, and lazy people taking advantage.

I hate the “it’s not fair!” arguement. I have to hear that shit all day long with my kids, so you would think a bunch of adults would have figured this out by now. But, fine. I’ll bite.

I am going to tell you something I tell my kids all the time. Fair doesn’t always mean same. I once worked at a grocery store with a guy who did not have function of this left arm. Due to this, he was only scheduled on lanes where his right arm could grab the groceries. Was that fair that the rest of us got put wherever, while he got first pick of the lanes? YES. It was fair. Not the same, but definitely fair. Sometimes people need things others don’t to be able to start at the same level. My daughter listens to audiobooks because reading words alone leaves her not able to comprehend what she read. Is it fair that I spend time and money on audio learning when I didn’t with my others? YES IT IS. Because she has a need they didn’t.

So don’t start that unfair bullshit. Some people have heart conditions. Some people have diabetes. Some people have absolutely not underlying medical issues. The amount of access isn’t what we should be measuring for “fairness”. The fairness meter should be measuring how our fellow Americans are left after care. And if they are left with not being cared for, long term (avoidable) issues due to medical neglect, bankrupt or barely able to afford care, etc, then THAT’S not “fair”.

As for the laziness part. Man. This is it. This is what it all comes down to. Conservatives don’t want a bunch of poor, lazy, freeloaders having access to stuff they pay for through taxes. All the other reasons are extensions of this one thing. They don’t want to pay for the poor, because the poor can’t/won’t pay them back in any way.

I hear all the time that this administration, and it’s supporters, are selfish. And I believed that too for a long time. But the thing that kept nagging at my brain was, if they were ACTUALLY selfish, wouldn’t they want people well? Wouldn’t they want to make sure that they were not put in danger of sickness due to the the poor? Wouldn’t they want to save money through universal healthcare? They are not selfish. They are punitive. They want the poor to suffer because they believe it is deserved. The value of life does not extend to those who don’t contribute.

I have spoke about this before. So many don’t want to believe that poverty happens to people that don’t deserve it. They cling to this belief that poverty is something that happens to the lazy. To degenerates. To sinners. Because, if they admitted that poverty happens to hard workers, to the disabled, to good people, they would also have to admit they sat by and let people suffer for no reason except their own superiority complex. They HAVE to believe that the suffering of the poor is “tough love”. That the only way to “teach” the poor to not be poor, is to make it hard on them, lest they will continue to need stuff and never learn to not be poor.

What is that shit? They don’t want people over using healthcare. Like it’s some kind of secret wealth that the poor will hoard. “They will become dependent” GOOD. For goodness sake. The poor have enough obstacles in life, let them know that they can get a freaking antibiotic for their sinus infection on a whim. Let them get that rash looked at before it spreads to their face. Let them get their tooth fixed before it needs to be pulled out. LET THEM. We already know it will be cheaper than what we have set up now. Why are you so dead set on letting peoples bodies fall apart? Why do people need to suffer for years for things they could have treatment for? Why? Because the poor are not seen as equal. Because the poor DESERVE their suffering.

I wish it was just selfishness. I wish that we didn’t have so many hateful, self righteous people spewing misinformation to keep the weakest in our country in the chains of poverty. I wish the outrage for someone “using” healthcare on their dime, was instead directed at the companies profiting off of the sick and dying. Healthcare shouldn’t be a word that is dividing us. Healthcare should be a unifying word that every single one of us stands together on. Healthcare should not be political. Every person that wants to deny someone medical treatment due to their financial status is a disgusting, classist, cancer of our society. Do not tell me you are Christian. Do not tell me you care about people. Do not tell me you are for equal rights. Do not tell me anything. If you are fighting against the simplest, most obtainable way to help the weak in our society, you do not care about people. You care about justifying your oppressive, superiority complex in the name of a distorted view of “fairness”.

Moving Forward

I have had friends that have struggled with addiction and/alcoholism through the years. And since I know it’s a disease, I stand by them. What do you need? You got this! I’m here for you! It always seemed so completely heartless when someone they loved abandoned them. How could they not be there for them in their time of need? Don’t they see they are trying to be well? Then, I was that loved one.

I once dated someone who was a recovering alcoholic. I met him after his rock bottom. I met him into his walk of sobriety. He told me about when he came back after getting sober. His wife had a function planned, and they were serving wine. He served wine. I was shocked at the insensitivity she had. Why wouldn’t she cancel the function? Why would she let there be alcohol there when she KNEW he was trying to be sober?

Why? Because she had years but having to cancel things or put her life on hold. Because he’s lied about his drinking before and this was just one more time he was going to disrupt her world. Because the rest of the world didn’t see what she had to live with, day after day, so this wasn’t anything new. She was tired. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care. He had siphoned all of the worry and care out of her for years and years. She just wanted to live life. She didn’t trust or believe him. She was done.

Did he need support? Absolutely. And he found in friends and family. And I’m sure she’s glad he did. He’s doing well. She’s doing well.

When alcoholism hit my family, I started going to a support group. The first thing they told me was to detach with love. Let go of control. I read the following, “today, if I am tempted to interfere what’s something that is none of my business, I can turn my attention instead to some way in which I can take care of myself.”

I disagreed with them. I am not controlling. In fact, I am pretty out of control most of the time. Detach with love? But he needs me! Now seems like the WORST time to detach! They told me that he needed to be in control of his sobriety. Not me. I had to let go. I could support and love, but I needed to stop doing things for him.

The next day I started to get his stuff together and thought, no, he needs to. It’s just paper work. He can grab it himself. Then later I went to text him to ask if he made his appointment…no. He needs to. Then I googled local AA meetings…no. he needs to do it. Oh my gosh. Beth. STOP.

I looked at the bills I had organized, the budget I made for him. I looked at the cleaning supplies I got to bring to his house to clean with. I realized that I am his enabler. I just keep bailing him out. He needs to do it. But how? How do you look at someone you love and just step aside? When you know they won’t do it themselves, and you want to help?

“If they don’t want to be well, they won’t be. And there’s no amount of ‘doing it for them’ that will bring them there.” Ouch.

So I read up on codependency. I was the victim role. Always the victim of my alcoholic. And if I wanted any chance at all of us being healthy, I had to stop putting myself in positions that made me the victim. So, I tried to detach with love. I tried to be supportive and ask about his journey. And I waited or the deep talks and healing to begin. I was ready to work on me while he worked on himself.

What I wasn’t ready for was the backlash that came. If I asked about his sobriety, his house, his family, I was immediately met with anger and rage. Accusations of me being on drugs. Reminders of how I abandoned him. Screaming and cussing at me. And my response, to give it right back. That was our cycle: attack, defend, yell, repeat. It was way harder than I anticipated. I can be pretty mean. I know the low blows. And all the years of working on me, went out the door every time we had an arguement. I could feel the toxicity seeping out of me. I hate that side of me.

There was one day I went out to help with yard work. I immediately felt the impulse to “look for evidence”. Just like I had done years before. I didn’t trust he was sober. So I started looking around. Then I stopped. Is this what I want? To always feel like I need to check the hiding spots to “catch” him? No. I can’t. I don’t have the energy. He lies. A lot. He sneaks. A lot. As do most alcoholics. And I can’t “snoop” my way into trust. This is something he has to do. I am not a victim of him. He is a victim of his addiction.

So I stopped asking. I stopped responding with anything more than a “that’s too bad” or “I’m happy for you”. Slowly I started noticing being treated differently by him. And things dissolved.

It’s not about love. It’s not about not wanting someone well. It’s about awareness of your own part in toxicity and not participating. If you see someone working on sobriety or being clean, BE THERE FOR THEM. I can’t stress that enough. They need their family and friends. But just know, that person that “abandoned” them? They had to walk away. Because they were probably in a place where neither could heal with the other there. Every week I share with my therapist something I wanted to say and didn’t. Or something I shouldn’t have said, but did. I talk through why I wanted to say it, and why I didn’t. I feel like a toddler learning to walk. A bit wobbly. And when I fall, I stand back up.

Some people are more equal than others.

Ideas are like seeds being planted in your mind. We don’t always have control of the seeds that are throw to us, but we do have control of the soil. In this way, we get to decide how our garden will grow. Manicured and simple. Full of poison and thorns. Wild and unknown. A labyrinth. Filled with food. We decide based on what we pull out and what we nurture. How much effort we’re willing to put in and the people we put ourselves around, who are throwing seeds. How acidic the soil is, and what trees we have growing from the past. Try as you might, the soil below a large pine will not allow you to grow certain plants below it.

A couple weeks ago I saw a post on Facebook. My Facebook is pretty diverse when it comes to religion, politics, and life choices. So very often I see things I don’t agree with. So that was no surprise. What has surprised me is how much I keep thinking about it. See, I have been spending a lot of time lately pulling weeds. Uprooting trees. I have been working on my soil to help things grow. That seed that was planted? That seed has been thrown on my soil before. But it dried up. So when I saw it thrown my direction again, I anticipated the same result. But my soil isn’t the same. My soil is rich with nutrients. And that seed took root and is growing. So now I’m forced to acknowledge this plant growing. I have to decide whether to pull it up or water it.

“We must do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living….” Buckminster Fuller

The post I read was the full quote. But within the first sentence I knew I disagreed. I’m a hard worker, and I was raised to take pride in my work. You don’t work you don’t eat. The story of The Ant and the Grasshopper made a brief appearance in my mind. You cannot live your life playing and then expect those working to support you. Teaching a man to fish verses giving him a fish.

“We keep inventing jobs because of this false idea that everybody has to be employed at some kind of drudgery. Because, according to Malthusian-Darwinian theory, he must justify his right to exist.”

Justify his right to exist? I wouldn’t go that far. And we may invent some jobs, but I would say we Americans spend more time creating more “all ready invented” jobs. During our last election this was a huge thing. With the worry of unemployment and layoffs, I heard a LOT of people talking about job creation. There aren’t enough jobs and people need to work to support their families.

I also thought about work ethic. Working a less-than-desirable job definitely gives you appreciation for hard work and a lot of humility. If people didn’t work, how would they experience the struggle that has helped me form into who I am? What do they say about Idle Hands?

Then I started thinking about if I had my necessities met. Just my necessities. A place to live, food to eat, heating/cooling and electric, and health care for my children and me. What would I be doing? I would be home with my kids. I would be homeschooling them. I would have a chore chart. I would be maintaining a garden and teaching my kids with hands on lessons of cooking and animals and science experiments. I would still be working, but not as much. And the money I made from work would be invested in my kids, our home, and myself. The money would be used for house repairs, a vehicle, internet access, and travel. I would take another trip to do humanitarian work. I would take art classes. I would do more with theatre. I would read more. I would learn a language with my kids (they have been begging for us to all learn German as a family). I would help my kids learn what they love. What their gifts are. What their passion is.

Quick detour. Have you ever met someone and thought, how are you so successful? Like, they really have nothing to offer. Mediocre intelligence. Very limited world view. No talent. And yet, they are making over 10X what you make. I remember one guy in particular. He was always so impressed by how smart I seemed “considering I don’t have a degree.” He would tell me, “If you went to college, you could be way more successful. You have so much potential! It’s sad you’re working at a coffee shop when you could probably do my job better than me, ha!”

We all have different goals. My goal is not wealth. Rags to Riches stories, while interesting, don’t motivate me. While I appreciate my material things, they are disposable. I asked myself, if I had my needs met, what would be something I would work extra for in order to obtain? Travel. Art. Learning new things. Humanitarian work.

What if our needs were met. Just the basic ones. We would still have those who wanted to be rich. We would still have those who were lazy. We would still have to work. The difference is, we would be allowed to decide. If you wanted a huge house and lots if things, you could choose to work more. If you decide you would rather live modestly so you could be home with your kids, you could do that. But what about the freeloaders who wont work? Well. If they want that kind of poor, meaningless life, so be it. What does it matter to you? I mean, I’m not talking steak dinners and mansions. Food in the cupboard, a warm house, and freedom from/treatment for disease just means the rest of society is protected.

What would happen if those with actual talent could explore it? What would happen if all that “potential” could be met? What would happen if someone’s intelligence outweighed someone’s financial circumstance?

What would happen? We would thrive. Good parents would still instill work ethic in their children. Bad parents would still neglect it. Caring people would still want to help others. Selfish people would still take all they can get. The difference is, we would all have a choice. Ask a poor person if they have a choice right now. Ask them how many jobs they work and what they have to sacrifice so their kids don’t starve. Ask them about how expensive it is to be poor.

I am not against capitalism. I want our inventors to invent. I want our artists to create. I want every person to be able to listen to that gift they have and embrace it. We are all given certain passions inside of us. Animals. Children. Writing. Botany. Technology. Music. Cars. Every single person has something that pumps them up for life.

“The true business of people should be to go back to school and think about whatever it was they were thinking about before someone came along and told them they had to earn a living.”

How different things would be if we ran our Healthcare System and education system like a non-profit. If no one could get rich off the sick. If the poor had the same educational opportunities as the rich without having to join the military. If every family knew they had a house, electric, and food.

I can’t count the amount of times in my life I have said, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. Then, when the time came in my life that I needed to practice what I preached, I reach down for my boot straps only to find that someone found a way to make money off boot straps and had hiked the price up to make money off of my struggle.

We have been taught that the poor deserve their lot in life. And that the rich deserve their wealth. Why? Because admitting that the poor don’t have a choice and that we’re allowing others to profit off their suffering is a hard pill to swallow. We have to admit that while we say all are equal, we have been conditioned to feel superior to the poor. We have been told our stability is earned by hard work and therefore the poor must be lazy. If we acknowledge how much of an advantage having our basic needs met makes, then we are faced a choice. Continue to treat the poor as inferior, or work for change and equality. The seeds have been planted. You decide if you will let them grow.

Hi. I am Beth. And I’m a toxic person.

One of my favorite things that social media and technology has brought to my generation is its ability to help us cope, understand, and process dysfunction and toxicity that is in our lives. I see it all the time. People in my age group properly able to identify unhealthy behavior in themselves and in others. That doesn’t mean they necessarily know how to deal with it, but they can identify it. Which is a huge step.

A few weeks back I had a friend say to me, “I feel like I’m gaslighting them! I didn’t even realize I was doing it. They deserve better than that.” My friend was 100% serious and concerned about it. The self awareness this person has in their 30s is astounding to me. They are toxic. They know they are. And they are able to zero in on exactly what they are doing that is dysfunctional, and even tell me why they think they are like this. 

I am a toxic person. I have the potential to suck out all the life of a person. I can manipulate. I can read people and very quickly know what they are insecure about. I can sense vulnerability and dysfunction like a freaking superpower. I can also tell when a person is emotionally healthy. I can feel boundaries that are set (or not set) almost immediately after meeting someone. My comfort zone is filled with toxic interactions and unhealthy behaviors. 

I sound like a gem, eh? Well, I think I am. Not because that stuff doesn’t matter. Because I fight that stuff EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Ask anyone who knew me in my 20s. Talk to my exes. I was not a bad person. But I was broken. The adult I was trying to be was not one on a healthy path. It was one who used white lies, cheated, and manipulated to get my way. I didn’t want to be like that. I did not like seeing the ones I loved hurt by me. 

I started seeing a therapist. I started making a conscious effort. I had to learn how to purge the toxicity from my interactions. It sucked. It was hard. No…not was. It is hard. I find when I’m with other people working on themselves, or people that are emotionally stable, it is easy. I can relax and just be. But the moment someone with dysfunction enters my life, I want to retreat to my ever so toxic comfort zone. I can feel it. I can hear it in what I say. I leave feeling angry at myself. Ashamed. 

I like to cut people in their 20s some slack. That decade is such a shit hole anyways. Add in having to process through childhood/adolescence and you’re left with some pretty lost adults who are trying to sort through 2 decades of preparation for adulthood. It’s exhausting and can be overwhelming. But once you’re in your 30s, get your shit together. You have had over a decade of making your own choices. At this point, your life is what you have made it. Acknowledge what you’ve been through and grow. 

I am a toxic person. I have to know this always. I have to understand and be compassionate to those who distance themselves from me. I have to work 10x as hard to make sure I keep my toxicity from my children. I need to make sure my children find dysfunction uncomfortable and wrong. I have to make sure I guard myself from others who take me by the hand and try to lead me down to that place I’ve escaped from. I need to acknowledge what brought me to this point, but not dwell on it, blame does not add to my growth. I need to know that when I do slip up, I tell whoever I hurt I was wrong and they deserve better. 

If you are a toxic person, you are not a bad person. Every day, every interaction, you have a choice to do better, to be better. Find a therapist. (I know I know, therapist shopping is the WORST. But don’t settle for one that isn’t helping you.) Start working on rewiring yourself. Your life will be happier. Your relationships will be better. You will thrive. 

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Story time.

I got my driver’s license when I was 17. It was quite exciting to be able to drive my fellow cheerleaders and myself to get food after school and stuff. So, one day, I decided to get something to eat. I was running late, and speeding. I see a police officer…oh shit. I quickly turn down a few streets and hope to lose him. He catches up to me, pulls me over and comes to my window. I apologize and explain that I was a cheerleader and I was running late and I was SO sorry for speeding. He gave me a warning and before he walked back to his car said, “Hey. And a little piece of advice. If you see an officer, don’t try to run from them. We’ll always find you, and it’ll just make us mad.” I was embarrassed and said thank you.

Fast forward a year. At this point I am 18 and living in Grand Rapids. I have now been pulled over more that 15 times. (Seriously. I was pulled over 3 times in one week once) The only ticket I had ever received was a fix-it ticket for my plate being expired. I was driving around with my friends and I see the lights of a police car light up. On this occasion, I had most definitely done nothing wrong. He came to the window and proceeds to ask us what we are doing/where we are going. I am internally freaking out. My friend sitting next to me says, “Excuse me officer, what’s your badge number? You are pulling us over for ‘looking suspicious’? I would like to report you for harassment. We have complied, and answered all your questions. You pulled us over because she has pink hair, I have a mohawk, and we’re all teenagers.” After muttering some irritation, he told us to stay out of trouble and to go on our way.

So many stories. I have so many examples of being pulled over. I’ve been respectful, and I’ve been an asshole. I’ve been at fault, and I’ve been pulled over because the officer is just being a dick. I’ve had my proper paperwork, and I’ve had to search endlessly in a car full of junk and trash only to find I don’t have it with me. My car has broke down, ran out of gas, and I’ve had multiple tires blow out. So many stories.

You know what story I don’t have? One where I was shot. None of my stories end with someone thinking I had a gun and shooting me. When I unbuckled to climb over to search for my purse in the back seat, still alive. When I grabbed something out of my glove compartment, still alive. When I sassed the officer because he pulled me over for 5 over ths speed limit, down a hill, and got shitty with me, still alive. When the old couple slammed on their brakes because they thought they saw a stop sign and I slammed into them, still alive. When I got out of the car to see if they were ok, and my plates were expired, and my mom saw and came running down the street to see if we were ok…all still alive.

Stop telling me people are being shot because they broke the law. That they are being KILLED because they didn’t comply. Being a bad driver, having a broken down car, even being an asshole, is not punishable by death. It is absolutely asinine that people are suggesting that these people deserve it because they “could have” been a threat. I have never ONCE had a gun pulled on me. And I have never felt if I moved a certain way in the car, it would cost me my life. Why? Because I’m such an amazing driver and respectful human? Not always! Sometimes I’m an absolute terrible driver. And sometimes I’m a jerk to the officer because I’m irritated he pulled me over. I have never had a gun pulled on me because I am white. I look non-threatening because I am a white female.

I want you to stop what you’re doing and just think. Think about that time you drove home drunk. Think about that time you were an asshole to the cop. Think about the time you saw the cop car and cut down a street hoping they wouldn’t pull you over. Think about any youthful decision you made involving the law. Aren’t you glad it didn’t end with being shot? Aren’t you so thankful that you feel so safe in life, that even breaking the law doesn’t make you fear death?

Now, think about that time you were completely compliant. Did you reach in your purse for you license? Your glove compartment for your registration? When you were pulled over for speeding, did you feel the need to show your hands until the officer got to the window? Did you feel that your life was in danger if you moved at all?

What many of you think, is that #blacklivesmatter is about letting people get away with breaking the law. People honestly think that the reason these lives are lost is because they must be doing something suspicious or wrong. But here’s the thing, if a black person gets pulled over and is an asshole to the cop, they should get the same consequences as me. A stern lecture and a citation. Because our officers do deserve respect and I was breaking the law. They do not deserve a bullet in the back.

#Blacklivesmatter. People should be allowed to walk suspiciously, wear hoodies, have their cars break down, get pulled over for traffic violations, and even talk back and be assholes, without the threat of dying.

All I’m asking is for others out there to try to comprehend what that must be like. What it feels like to be at a store and feel that all eyes are watching you constantly. To not be able to be oblivious to your surroundings. What it must feel like to have a constant anxiety in your stomach that someone thinks you’re up to something. Purely based on how you look.

I do not think that the officers are making it up. I do feel that they think they are threatened. But why do they feel that way? This is what #blacklivesmatter is about. Changing people’s first response. We need to ask ourselves why these officers feel that their life is in danger when they see somebody with dark skin. We CANNOT change this until we chose to see it.

Last thing. I know so many that have preached loudly against #blacklivesmatter. You have you already taken the “racism doesn’t exist” or “I’m colorblind” or the “They deserve it. Maybe if they didn’t break the law” stance. Maybe just now you have realized you were wrong, it’s ok. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to tell the world that you had a realization and see how blatant the inequality is. I will never, ever, belittle or demean somebody for changing their stance on something if it means lives will be saved. Let go of your pride, help save lives.

I wasn’t shot, and they shouldn’t be either.

I give you permission to feel guilty

Years ago, I was a part of an online pregnancy board. It was an open group with women due in February 2007, and we shared everything from baby bump pictures, to husband rants, to emotional break downs. I loved it. It was a way to have other woman say, “You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. Me too.”

One day there was a post that came up about our newly born babies. It wasn’t anything huge or life changing. It was about giving a newborn water. This mom was irritated that her doctor said the baby didn’t need the water. That all the hydration the baby needed was in the bottles, and giving them water was robbing them of nutrients. This mom was very upset. She felt that the doctor was implying that she was a bad mom, and said that her mom gave her water as an infant and she turned out fine. So he needed to back off his opinions. 

I sat there, and read the comments. A lot of moms did the, “You’re the mom, you know what’s best!” And “I have given all my babies water and they have no problems.” And “You go mama! You stand up for your baby!” Then there was me. I said something along the lines of, “Why do you think they need water? If they’re not benefiting from it, why is it so important that they have it?” Release the dogs. Unknowingly, I stepped over a line. Mom’s rushed to her defense. Said I was just trying to pick a fight. That we aren’t about judgment, and she’s allowed to choose whatever she feels is best for her baby.

This was one of my first experiences with Internet parental affirmation. I just didn’t get it. Yeah, your baby will most likely be fine. But is it the best for them? Don’t you want them to have everything you had an MORE? Why is this woman so adamant with staying with something that she was told isn’t the best? So your mom did it and you turned out fine….so? If you learn better, shouldn’t you be wanting to do better?

Now fast forward 9 years. This affirmation of our choices has become a daily thing. I do it too. You see a meme that perfectly describes what you’re feeling, and with the click of a button you share it with hundreds of your friends. You want to be lazy? There are people to tell you you deserve it, take a break! You are unhealthy and need physical activity? No you don’t! There are funny memes about eating whole pizzas and bacon. You want to go out and party all your money away? You came to the right place! Live it up while you’re young!

Let me restate. I do it too. This is not meant to belittle anyone in particular. When I feel guilty about wasting an entire day playing phone games, I just write a mildly funny status about it, wait for the “likes” to roll in, and let the guilt wash away. But here is the problem with that. Sometimes, I should feel guilty about it. It is my job as a mother to make sure the dishes are done and the laundry is clean. Why have I turned into someone who is seeking to be affirmed in my mediocrity? Shouldn’t I want better than just getting by? Where did that Bethy who believed “if you learn better, do better” go?

We don’t like finding out the way we do things needs to change. We get defensive as if it is an attack on who we are as a person when we find out we need to improve on something. Our mindset has changed from, “How can I be better for myself and my kids?” To, “See, I’m not the only one like this.” There is a problem with this. If you’re more interested in finding affirmation, so you can maintain being stagnant in life, than you are in growing and learning, you will spend your life feeling like you’re constantly on the defense. We know deep down if we’re just trying to justify our laziness. I have had completely guilt free lazy days. And then I’ve had days where I really needed to do things, and chose not to. We know the difference. We just keep trying to make the guilt go away by getting peer support.

Think. That’s what it really comes down to. If your first reaction is feeling attacked when the doctor says “No bottles of water”, ask yourself why. Are you just embarrassed you were doing it wrong and we’re corrected? Or is it that you don’t like the thought of changing what you were doing? Or is it really the best? We read these lists, “6 reasons to dump your man” or “Top 10 reasons to focus on yourself”, etc. We feel affirmed in whatever action we are doing, or in a choice we wanted an excuse to make. Now, I love these posts too, but you HAVE to ask yourself if this is something that’s going to help you improve yourself, or if you just want rid yourself of guilt. You know perfectly well if you’re cutting yourself short.

With all that said, I will most likely still post about being in my PJs all day, and wait for all the other moms to like my status, just so I don’t feel bad about not showering for 2 days. And hopefully, after reading this blog post, I don’t get any, “Is being lazy and gross really the best way to spend you day, Bethy?” But if I do, I will laugh a bit to myself. Because I’m a pretty self aware person, and I guarantee the only reason I posted it was because I knew deep down it wasn’t the best way to spend my day. 

You Taste so Sweet…er…Sour?

I tell my children that they should always retry foods they dislike. Because our taste buds change as we grow, and something we thought was gross, could actually taste great now, and we’d be missing out if we didn’t revisit it after some time. So Audrey now likes cucumbers. Nadia now dislikes mustard, and Genevieve likes ranch more than ketchup.

That being said, multiple times a week, I will get on my Facebook account and see a notification for a “like” from someone I forgot was on my friends list. Usually, my first thought is, “oh sweet, they didn’t hide me on their news feed”. I guess I just assume all those people I added years ago, that I attended high school with, worked with, etc, have no interest in my constant posts. The second thing I think, usually pertains to how I knew them, and what I was going through in my life at the time I knew them. Which, a lot of times, leads to some facebook creeping to see what they’re up to.

The other day, I got on and had one of these occurrences. In my, “reminiscent” moment, I had a brief, almost panicked, feeling come over me. Not because of who this person was, or any feelings I have or have had towards her. It was the realization of who I was during our time as friends, and the potential of her not having a very positive opinion of me. Just by sheer timing, this girl encountered me during one of the lowest points in my life. I’m sure a lot of our time spent together was filled with me struggling with hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and a general negative outlook on life. I will admit, I do not try to hide my emotions, even if negative, and my overly obsessive nature makes it impossible to think or talk about anything else when things in my life are so extreme. They consume my life in that respect. 

So why does it matter? Why would this moment inspire me to write about it? And what does it have to do with your taste buds? Well, I liked this girl. I enjoyed her company. I had even tried to invite her out to lunch on a few occasions, with the hopes she would become a close friends. I was denied access to the friendship. I was a bitter taste for her. Not only bitter, I would leave people with an after taste that would make most want to immediately find some mouthwash.  Again, this was purely out of timing in life. If this had been an established relationship, my pessimism would have been approached with the assumption I was in a temporary state. With a new person, how you originally meet them will most likely always be how you view as the “real” them.

Everyone knows how important first impressions are. But I believe we are skewed in what exactly that means. In some regards, it is exactly what we think it is. The very first time we see someone. But in most occurrences, that impression is changeable. It’s like we have set up an impression mulligan in life. “I really thought they were kind of bitchy the first time we met. But the next time I saw them they were great! They must have been having a bad day.” Bam. Opinion changed. First occurrence forgiven. New perception established and accepted. The second taste was a lot better than the first.

But first impressions are more than just those first couple times. If your life is a state of chaos, grief, anger, etc, that will now be your label from that person. It’s not their fault or yours. We all make assessments and judgements in the first stage of getting to know someone, and tend to hold on to it. We have to. It protects us from toxic people, and helps us learn and enjoy to sweet ones.

So, you meet someone who is a Debbie Downer, and you move on and decide that person is too negative for your life. The taste is too strong, overwhelming, or even bland. Good for you! That is a very positive thing to do for yourself. Now what if you encounter this person later in life, only this time, they are happy and cheerful? You will most likely be glad to see their doing well, but be skeptical on whether or not it is a “permanent” state. You may be more willing to associate with them, but you will be waiting for the “real” them to reappear eventually. Small tastes, but always remembering the acidity they left you with before.

Now take it on the other side of things. You meet this awesome, amazing, fun, happy person. Sweet and smooth. As time goes on, you find them in a low point. “You’ve changed! This is not the person you really are!” But what if it is? Some people ARE just miserable people. So we wait. And wait. And WAIT. For that fun loving person to come back to us, but that was not who they are. We put ourselves through bad taste after bad taste, just waiting for that moment it’s sweet again. And we may even have one or two times with hints of a more palatable version of them. But that doesn’t make them a rich dessert. That was a time in their life. Why do you think so many people hold on to failing relationships? We hold on to an ideal of who that person is, and then get mad at them for not maintaining it.

So, I’ve decided to try to let go of preconceived notions about others. Good or bad. And try to see the person for who they are. Because we do change. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad, and I could be missing out on a great friendship because of timing in life. Or on the other side of it, I could be holding on to a friendship that I don’t need in my life. Humans move through life in a constant state of change. We do not need to waste time and frustrations on holding on to what we think we know. Our palates may have changed on what we can handle. Or their “ingredients” of who they are may have changed or increased. That’s just life. So if I give someone another shot, and they still leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth, I will move on, and be open to trying again in the future. And if this person is a long time friend, then I will know and work with them to get their sweetness back. Because I know they would (or did) do the same for me.

So, happy eating all! Know your palate, and be ok if it changes. You’ll miss out in life if you’re holding on to what you experienced before, and don’t try what you may now love and enjoy.