Tag: daughter

Young Enough to Learn Better

A couple weeks ago, my child was spanked by someone I know. She was being 5, kicking his foot repeatedly (thinking she was funny) and he gave her a swat. I did not see this transpire. I was standing about 6 feet away in a crowded room, and walked over to see her staring, eyes slightly red (as if she were going to cry). He stated that she kicked him and needed to apologize. I assumed she got embarrassed and froze up. I told her she needed to say sorry, that kicking can hurt. She said sorry and he walked away in a huff.

Later, I noticed she wasn’t quite herself. I asked her what was wrong. What happened when she kicked him? She said she kicked him too hard and he spanked her. That she couldn’t say sorry, because she was trying not to cry.

Pause. Breathe. My mind raced with rage. Who the hell hits someone else’s child? But my job is to bring peace and comfort to my child, not instill fear or worry. So I asked her if it hurt. She said no, it just surprised her. I told her it was ok to feel embarrassed and sad about it. I told her that this man was a dad too, so he probably just responded how he would with his own child….but she wasn’t his child. So it’s not ok that he spanked her. Only our parents are allowed to spank their children. So I would talk to him. Tell him our rules, so he will know that is not ok. Because I’m the mom. That’s what moms do, they make sure their kids are ok, and that other grown ups know our rules. She smiled, hugged me, and it has not been brought up or talked about since.

So now I was faced with the task of talking to this man about it. I wanted to make sure I was clear with it, but also wanted to make sure to control my urge verbally rip this guy a new asshole. So I texted him. I expressed my conversation with her to him, and stated I do not want him to ever spank my children.

Now, if his response would have been, “I’m sorry. I was raised differently. It won’t happen again.” I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. See, we’ve all done things before and not realized it contradicts a parents rules. The correct response is “I’m sorry.” Not justification, not blaming, just sorry or a possible, “thanks for letting me know.” Showing respect for a parents rules (even if you don’t agree with them) can defuse the entire situation.

I have daughters. I am a single mother. I have spent my children’s entire lives instilling in them that it is not ok for a man to hit them. No person is ever allowed to put a hand on them. I also have worked very hard on making sure they know they can talk to me and that I will be their advocate. If they have a problem with an adult, just walk away and come to me about it. That’s MY job to handle it, not theirs.

After approaching this man about it, I was told, “I wasn’t mean or did it hard. I won’t do it again, but I’m not putting up with a kid acting like that.” And “I am nice to the kids. It’s not like I slapped her across the face.” And very similarly, “She needs respect people’s space and learn stop means stop. I’ve been nice to her. I won’t spank her again, but I’m not dealing with it. Period.” And my favorite (when I told him he needs to come to me if he feels she is taking it too far), “Talk to you? When? I hardly ever get a word in with you.” (That was a nice jab a me, eh?)

She is 5. Anyone know a 5 year old? They play…and joke….and take it just past the point of ok sometimes. This is the age they’re learning their boundaries. Especially with people they don’t know. It’s hard for them to gauge when something is ok, and when it’s not. That’s what parents are for. To help them learn when appropriate times for rough play are. To help them learn how to read people and to know what’s acceptable and what’s not. That’s MY job.

Back to the blame thing. His response floored me. HE is the adult. I can understand a 5 year old struggling with self control, but there is no excuse for a grown man to impulsively spank a child and not take responsibility for being out of line. Thousands of teachers, daycare workers, babysitters, and other adults deal with AWFUL, truly disrespectful children. And somehow, control their urge to use any sort of physical discipline every day. He was out of line. I don’t care if it wasn’t a “slap across the face”, I will not have my daughter’s think it’s ok for a man to hit them, even if they “deserve it”. I will not let them grow up feeling that an adult’s actions are their fault or that somehow in their control.

I started writing this blog in the hopes to convay the importance of teaching our daughter’s to not feel that just because someone is bigger, older, in charge, etc, that they should ever be ok with being physically reprimanded. That they should never feel like they deserve it. See, I reaffirmed in my sweet 5 year old something that has already been established. It’s a non issue now. I doubt she’s even thought about it since it happened. But it’s on my mind constantly. Because I am a woman who knows how scary it can be in the world.

I want to jump back to 18 year old Bethy. I was seeing this guy for a short period of time. He was a “nice guy”. We would play wrestle sometimes, and he would physically overpower me. Then he would laugh and ease up. I would get a brief panic, and then laugh it off. Then it happened. He came over one day and said, “We’re going to have sex.” I laughed and said no we’re not. He looked at me with a dead straight face and said, “I wasn’t asking.” I had sex with him. I didn’t want to be raped. I knew I was no match for him physically, and just got it over with.

Maybe he was joking. Maybe I could have said no, and he would have been mad, walked away, and there would be no lasting memory of this. Maybe. But see, he had already proven his dominance over me. Those moments of panic and feeling over powered were red flags I played off as no big deal. He had so masterfully made me feel like it was my fault, I didn’t even fight it.

THIS is what I’m trying to teach my daughters. To walk away from people when the red flags go up, not when it’s too late. Is the man that spanked my daughter abusive? I doubt it. Honestly, I feel like he’s just that self focused that he couldn’t get past his feelings of embarrassment to hear what I was saying. But I wasn’t making a fuss over this for him. It was for her. That little girl that needs to know our bodies are ours. That setting boundaries isn’t about the other person’s feelings. It’s about listening to that thing inside that tells us something isn’t right. It’s about being ok with making someone mad at you.

Doug Stutz Wouldn’t Regret Stuff, So You Shouldn’t Either

Very unexpectedly, my step father passed on November 23. He was 55 years old, and had a day of Christmas decorating and grandchildren planned. He was at the store, had a heart attack, and was gone. Just like that. Ripped from our lives.

I was very close to him. I called him Dad, and I’ve been his baby girl since I can remember. We talked almost every day, and saw each other multiple times a week. These last 12 days have felt like the longest days of my life.

So, I’ve been wanting to write about him. Memories flooding my mind. Writing about him seems impossible. I can’t put him in words. When I try, I find myself frustrated with the lack of depth in my writing. My vocabulary feels so limited in describing him. So I end up with just the simplistic, “this fucking sucks” or “it’s not fair”. I cannot articulate him or my feelings in the fullest sense, so I just resort to the most basic. I am sad. I miss him. He was a great dad. So that’s all you guys get from me right now.

I decided instead of trying to come up with some thought provoking, emotionally touching, in depth post, I would instead focus on grief. Because, well, it is a very real thing for me right now.

Sitting on my bed, sobbing like a child, my fiancé, Ryan, held me and kissed my head. “It’s just not fair!” I managed to get out. “He would be so mad at himself right now.” Ryan’s response was a simple, “You’re right. It’s not fair. He is still needed. We all still need him. And we need to remember him, the good and the bad. Because that’s what makes him him. If we just remember the good, he is a myth of a man.”

So I focused on trying to remember some bad stuff. We, as humans, tend to forget the bad stuff when someone dies. And I wanted to remember my Daddy as he was exactly. I didn’t want to lose any part of him. Have you ever done this? Try to remember the bad stuff after someone dies? It is way harder than you think. Why? Because those quirks and irritations seem so insignificant after the person is gone.

My Dad was kind of a stubborn man. He was very punctual, my tardiness and flighty ways drove him nuts. He was also easily irritated by the chaos of all the small children. I can here him saying “Don’t forget the bag of your kids stuff!” And “When will you be here? I have things to do today.” He was a very patient man, but I have a unique talent of pushing even the most easy going person to their limit. So, I discounted these memories, since his “negatives” were actually provoked by some of my flaws.

The I remembered a time he got snappy with me, unprovoked. He was stressed about work, tired, and worried about bills. I asked him something, and he snapped and yelled at me. It actually made me cry, mostly out of shock and a little embarrassment. But, he did come to me later and give me a big hug and apologize. He told me he loved me and the girls, and told me he would always help and be there for me. So I don’t know if that would even count as a negative. Since he did talk to me about it. I mean we’re all human.

BAM. There it is. Remembering the bad, had actually opened me to noticing even more of the good. It allowed me to see him as human. One that had flaws, but loved above all. One that forgave my quirks and even just downright rudeness. He was someone I forgave without hesitation. We were able to be our human selves with each other. We didn’t have to act, or hold back. Good day, bad day, or just a boring day, we experienced life as it was in the moment.

After these thoughts, I realized I didn’t have regret. I kept wanting to grasp onto something I would have done differently. Something to say, do, or whatever. Why was I LOOKING for regret? Regret is an awful thing! Why? Because I am hurting so bad. To the core of myself. And I need something to blame. There was absolutely nothing I would have done differently. How many people can say that about someone? Yet, it doesn’t seem to ease the pain knowing that. It actually makes it even more painful, because I know how rare it is to find someone like this.

For all those who are grieving. Those of you out there feeling you could have done something differently, or told them something. I am here to tell you, you’re holding on to regret as a defense against the shitty reality that sometimes, life just sucks. We have very little control of so much that happens. So it’s ok to let go of the regrets (that we are seeking out and clinging to) and just be sad. Our anger doesn’t need to be directed at ourselves. This doesn’t help our grief. I can honestly say, for those who play the “if only I just…” game, nothing you could have said or done would change the way you feel now.

I told my dad I loved him and thanked him for his help with my kids the day before he passed. What if I would have yelled at him the last time I saw him instead? I would most likely cling to that and be mad at myself. In reality though, that should be a fine last conversation as well, because that’s what life is! Happiness, sadness, anger, all of it. He was someone I experienced all of this with, and knew at the end of the day, he loved his family, his Lord, his work, and his friends.

All that being said, I am sad. This isn’t fair. It sucks.