Tag: drinking

Moving Forward

I have had friends that have struggled with addiction and/alcoholism through the years. And since I know it’s a disease, I stand by them. What do you need? You got this! I’m here for you! It always seemed so completely heartless when someone they loved abandoned them. How could they not be there for them in their time of need? Don’t they see they are trying to be well? Then, I was that loved one.

I once dated someone who was a recovering alcoholic. I met him after his rock bottom. I met him into his walk of sobriety. He told me about when he came back after getting sober. His wife had a function planned, and they were serving wine. He served wine. I was shocked at the insensitivity she had. Why wouldn’t she cancel the function? Why would she let there be alcohol there when she KNEW he was trying to be sober?

Why? Because she had years but having to cancel things or put her life on hold. Because he’s lied about his drinking before and this was just one more time he was going to disrupt her world. Because the rest of the world didn’t see what she had to live with, day after day, so this wasn’t anything new. She was tired. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care. He had siphoned all of the worry and care out of her for years and years. She just wanted to live life. She didn’t trust or believe him. She was done.

Did he need support? Absolutely. And he found in friends and family. And I’m sure she’s glad he did. He’s doing well. She’s doing well.

When alcoholism hit my family, I started going to a support group. The first thing they told me was to detach with love. Let go of control. I read the following, “today, if I am tempted to interfere what’s something that is none of my business, I can turn my attention instead to some way in which I can take care of myself.”

I disagreed with them. I am not controlling. In fact, I am pretty out of control most of the time. Detach with love? But he needs me! Now seems like the WORST time to detach! They told me that he needed to be in control of his sobriety. Not me. I had to let go. I could support and love, but I needed to stop doing things for him.

The next day I started to get his stuff together and thought, no, he needs to. It’s just paper work. He can grab it himself. Then later I went to text him to ask if he made his appointment…no. He needs to. Then I googled local AA meetings…no. he needs to do it. Oh my gosh. Beth. STOP.

I looked at the bills I had organized, the budget I made for him. I looked at the cleaning supplies I got to bring to his house to clean with. I realized that I am his enabler. I just keep bailing him out. He needs to do it. But how? How do you look at someone you love and just step aside? When you know they won’t do it themselves, and you want to help?

“If they don’t want to be well, they won’t be. And there’s no amount of ‘doing it for them’ that will bring them there.” Ouch.

So I read up on codependency. I was the victim role. Always the victim of my alcoholic. And if I wanted any chance at all of us being healthy, I had to stop putting myself in positions that made me the victim. So, I tried to detach with love. I tried to be supportive and ask about his journey. And I waited or the deep talks and healing to begin. I was ready to work on me while he worked on himself.

What I wasn’t ready for was the backlash that came. If I asked about his sobriety, his house, his family, I was immediately met with anger and rage. Accusations of me being on drugs. Reminders of how I abandoned him. Screaming and cussing at me. And my response, to give it right back. That was our cycle: attack, defend, yell, repeat. It was way harder than I anticipated. I can be pretty mean. I know the low blows. And all the years of working on me, went out the door every time we had an arguement. I could feel the toxicity seeping out of me. I hate that side of me.

There was one day I went out to help with yard work. I immediately felt the impulse to “look for evidence”. Just like I had done years before. I didn’t trust he was sober. So I started looking around. Then I stopped. Is this what I want? To always feel like I need to check the hiding spots to “catch” him? No. I can’t. I don’t have the energy. He lies. A lot. He sneaks. A lot. As do most alcoholics. And I can’t “snoop” my way into trust. This is something he has to do. I am not a victim of him. He is a victim of his addiction.

So I stopped asking. I stopped responding with anything more than a “that’s too bad” or “I’m happy for you”. Slowly I started noticing being treated differently by him. And things dissolved.

It’s not about love. It’s not about not wanting someone well. It’s about awareness of your own part in toxicity and not participating. If you see someone working on sobriety or being clean, BE THERE FOR THEM. I can’t stress that enough. They need their family and friends. But just know, that person that “abandoned” them? They had to walk away. Because they were probably in a place where neither could heal with the other there. Every week I share with my therapist something I wanted to say and didn’t. Or something I shouldn’t have said, but did. I talk through why I wanted to say it, and why I didn’t. I feel like a toddler learning to walk. A bit wobbly. And when I fall, I stand back up.

 One of my worst nights.

I want to tell a story.

A few years back, on Halloween, I went to a costume party with my sister, I dressed up as a Marvel character. We met my mom and step dad there. It was a BLAST. I drove and the plan was that my mom, who wasn’t drinking, or my sister were going to drive me. The plans were vague, but we knew we would figure out a safe way home. No biggie.

One of the best Halloween Parties I’ve ever been too. And I am glad for that. It was the last time we all went out with Dad before he died. It was adorable to watch him watch Mom. Just love and awe as he watched her dance with her girlfriends. Of course my sister and I took turns buying him shots of Crown, and tried to get him out there dancing with her.

Just all around a great night.

Then I ran into someone who recognized me from a play I was in. We started talking and laughing. I was DRUNK. Everyone was my friend and great. Everything was great. But I was getting tired. I better find my family.

They were gone. I grabbed my dying phone and tried to call. Straight to voicemail. Panic starts to set in a bit as I look around for anyone I know.

A guy approaches and starts to talk to me. I smile and try to keep my level of drunkness at bay. Then a couple of his friends walk up. They all start talking to me. The first guy asks if I want to go to a party with them. I feel my stomach drop. The bar lights are on. There is only a few ppl left and I don’t know any of them. I don’t know what to do.

You know that “gut feeling” we are always told to listen to? Mine was saying run. Get. Out. Now. I was absolutely terrified that these 5-6 were guys going to rape me. I told him I couldn’t, but thanks for the invite! He was not taking no for an answer. He wouldn’t leave me alone and kept getting closer. All of them were around me. Finally I said, I would go. I faked a laugh and asked where it was at. “Oh, we’ll drive you. Don’t worry about it.” I HAD to get away. I agreed and leaned against the wall. The main guy told me he needed to go to the bathroom and then we would leave. He turned and I ran.

I ran to my car quicker than I’ve ever ran. I started it and left the bar. I started to cry. Why the fuck am I driving. I am going to go to jail. I would be so mad at any friend driving drunk. Maybe I over reacted? I shouldn’t be driving. If I get pulled over they won’t care that I was stuck. What if they raped Me? I shouldn’t have dressed as Domino. I need to park my car. But they saw this car. Where can I go? I need to go somewhere public. A gas station.

I pulled into a gas station. Turned off my car, threw my keys on the seat, locked the doors, texted my (then) fiance where I was and closed my eyes, still shaking. I slept there for about an hour. 

Officer: Knock-knock-knock “Ma’am? Are you alright?”
Me: Yes I am fine. Thank you.
Officer: I need you to come inside.

I spent the next hour and half with this man drilling me. I was cooperative. I told him I was drunk. I had friends that cared about me. My fiance would be stopping here in the morning to give me a ride home, so this was a safe place for me to sleep. I thanked him for his concern. And agreed to wait inside for my fiance. At this point my phone had died and I told him I just had to wait I couldn’t call him.

He had me call him from his phone. I called my fiance and explained that I’m not safe to drive, I was sleeping, they were concerned about me sleeping in my car, and he had to come get me. This seemed to appease the officer. So I thanked him again, he left, and it went into the bathroom to wash the Halloween makeup off my face.

When I came out he was there again. He wanted me to take a breathalyzer test. At this point I am feeling harassed. And I told him so. I did not deny my alcohol consumption. I came in and I called. I did everything he asked. I was not belligerent or uncooperative. So I asked him why he wanted a breathalyzer after all of that.

He could have asked at any point. Why did he leave and come back to ask me for one? He said he just wanted one and I had to do it. I told him no. I did not have to do it and, because I was intoxicated, I did not feel comfortable having any more interactions with him without my fiance or a lawyer present.

I was terrified. This was one of the scariest nights of my life. Everytime I think about that night and makes me sick to my stomach. It was such a great night. Then, it wasn’t. I think about all that could have happened. What if I decided to do the right thing and not drive? And those guys took me? What if I fell asleep on the road or hit someone? What if I did do the breathalyzer? What if the officer decided to arrest me?

I’ve only told a couple people about this night. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. Everytime I think about that night I am affirmed in my mind that I did the right thing. But I still feel so hurt and angry about it.

When I hear stories about women being assaulted and the defense being that the woman was dressed provocatively, I realize how close I was to being that woman. Would these men have gotten away with it because I was in a Domino costume? Because I was drunk? Why is my only option in the situation to break the law or potentially be raped?

I went out for a night of drinking and dancing with my family. One little misunderstanding about rides could have potentially changed my entire life. 

I don’t know why I wanted to share this. I guess I just feel like people should know that even if you plan and do everything right things can change very quickly.

And that it really sucks that as women, we have lingering fear of harm and guilt of pleasure with everything we do. That those men could have been excused due to intoxication and poor judgement while I would be blamed because of the same things.