Years ago, I walked into my weekly therapy session, flustered, running late, and in a state of mild chaos. Here is the conversation that followed:
-Therapist: I like that shirt! That’s a really good color on you!
-Me: What? Oh. Yeah. I got this from a friend secondhand. It fits me alright.
-Therapist: Why do you do that?
-Me: Do what?
-Therapist: Deflect a compliment. You do that a lot. You are always justifying things. You are allowed to just say thank you.
-Me: I don’t do that.
-Therapist: Yes you do. All the time…. I have a question for you. If you were to go to the store and the cashier asked you how Genevieve’s dad was who her dad was, what would you say?
-Me: Well…I guess I would say, it was years ago, we were…
-Therapist: STOP. No. You say, “It just is what it is. How are you doing today?” You don’t owe a perfect stranger an explanation. You need to stop feeling like you need to explain yourself to EVERY person that says something to you.
Of course I rolled my eyes and told her she wasn’t right. I don’t do that THAT much. But whatever. I would “watch myself” for over justification like she told me to. I left and decided to go get a cup of coffee from McDonald’s. While I was there, there was a funny occurrence that I was going to post on fb. As I’m trying to type out my status, I realize, I was trying to make sure that in the status I mentioned that I was using a gift card my dad gave to me. I stopped dead in my tracks. Why does it matter? Why was it important that my fb friends knew I was using a gift card, not my own money? It’s a $1 cup of coffee. Maybe I just wanted a cup of coffee.
Then I realized, I didn’t want people to think I was better off than I was. I knew so many people had helped me, and we’re supporting me. I didn’t want them to think I was taking their help, and then treating myself out. I wanted them to know I appreciated all they did and didn’t want them to feel like whatever I was doing was a slap in the face.
I went back the next week and told my therapist about this, and many other, instances where it took all my might to not explain myself. Then she said to me, “Most people, when they help someone, it’s a gift. They know what they can give, and they know that YOU know what you need. They trust you are going to do what’s best for you and your kids. Even if it’s a cup of coffee, or makeup, or a shirt. They wouldn’t be helping you if they thought you were a freeloader. And if what you need is not what they think you need, and are angry with what you choose, that’s THEIR problem. Not yours. If someone gave you an expensive vase, and you needed a cup to drink out of, you would use the vase to drink from. They have the choice to see it as you meeting your needs with their help, or you treating their gift with disrespect. You don’t get to control their thoughts and feelings. You just worry about meeting your needs. They can get their own therapist to deal with their control issues.”
What freedom that gave me. The anxiety that came with constantly trying to take care of my family and other people’s feels was a huge burden. So I worked on not justifying every thing I did. And guess what, people that were judging me before, still judged me. People that loved and supported me, still loved and supported me.
I also found I needed to be a lot more forward with my needs. I also learned I didn’t have to accept help that wasn’t helping me. I didn’t have to take “gifts” that had stipulations if it wasn’t the best for my family. So many times, when you’re struggling, you are so desperate for some relief and help, you just accept any and all help. I realized that if someone offered me a pile of dog poop (so to say) I was allowed to say no thank you.
So thank you to that therapist that helped me get out of my constant state of shame and justification. And thank you to all those who didn’t need me to explain my motives. To know, and just trust I was doing the best for my kids. Even if it wasn’t perfect and I bought coffee from McDonald’s.
thatbethy 