Tag: faith

Bringing it down to the Basics

It was 2011. I was newly divorced, in school full time, working as many hours as I could get, and raising 3 kids. Looking back, it’s almost comical that I thought I could have an organized house as well. 

“What do you need?” My friend Kris asked me. She had come over with the intention to clean/organize/help. I was drowning in my life and I desperately needed someone to throw me a lifesaver. 

“I don’t know. I mean. I guess the toys. I can’t think because there is so much everywhere. The toys go there. Top drawer is dolls. Second is dress up. Bottom draws is everything else. I don’t know. They’re all mixed up.” I told her showing her my organizer. “And art stuff goes here. Paper in this drawer, crayons and markers in this one, and the other stuff in that one.”

“No. That’s too much. You need to simplify it. How about toys here, and art stuff here.”

“But. Everything has a place. I just…”

“What a your goal? What do you want in here?”

“I want the toys off the floor. I want to walk through my house without stepping on stuff.”

“Beth. The girls can help. They need to. You can’t do it all, so we need to find a way that is simple. So the kids can do it.”

I had to let go of some control. Here’s the thing, (for those who don’t know how it is to function with ADHD) I have to be that uptight about things. Chaos around me gives anxiety. I forget things. I lose things. Everything has a place, because otherwise, nothing has a place. 

So I changed the rules. Instead if having such strong stipulations on where the kids put the toys, I just made sure they were put away. It worked. The kids didn’t feel overwhelmed with helping. So I started simplifying other aspects of my life. 

Sorting socks? Nope. I don’t have time. My goal is to have clean socks when we need them. Boom. New rule, sock basket. All the clean socks in the house are in there. Find your own. While thes things were not ideal for my house, I found the amount of stress that was lifted was definitely worth letting go. 

Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed, I like to bring it down the the basics. Not forever, just for long enough to gain some perspective. Not just with household chores, but with friendships, parenting, work, and everything else. 

Parenting. What is the goal? I’m sure your response would be something about love, or God, or kindness, or being strong or something like that. No. Those are not the goals. Those are the personal details you have set for what are actually the goals. 

There are 2 things your kid needs from you. Two. Taking it to The basics. These 2 things are the backbone of why you make any and all decisions regarding your kids. And if they’re not, you need to reevaluate your motives in parenting.

The first, let them keep their innocence as long as possible. We protect them from the horrors of the world so that they can develop into who they are truly meant to be. Life has a way of hardening us. Our children need to keep the tenderness, and awe for life and the world as long as possible.

The second, produce functional adults. Our children need to be able live and function in society someday. We cannot shelter them forever. They need to be able to socialize. They need to be able to work a job. They need to be able to keep themselves safe when you’re not there. They need to be able to think and make choices. 
These goals sound contradictory. You can see why teenage years are so tough. Constantly trying to balance protecting our teen while at the same time knowing in a few short years they need to be able to function in the world. 

Now, what is your definition of innocence? What do you consider a functioning adult? This is where our parenting styles come into play. We make choices every day with these in mind. “No, sorry, Sally isn’t allowed to sleep over until she’s older.” Or “Rinse your bowl.” Or “Sure, Jimmy can definitely go out with his friends after the game.” Based on our childhoods, usually, we decide what we will or will not do with our kids. 

If you are an overwhelmed parent, bring it to the basics. Ask yourself, is this helping them keep their innocence or helping them develop into a functioning adult? If it doesn’t fit one of those 2 things, quit fretting about it. Quit being angry about it. Quit wearing yourself down over it. 

Someday I will sort socks again. And you know what? The toys in my house are now sorted. The art stuff all has a place. It took 7 years, but I got it back slowly. Just because it’s not ideal, doesn’t mean it’s bad. My house is a disaster. Why? Because I want the kids to help clean. And honestly, they don’t do a great job. My kids need a mom who helps show them. Not a mom who yells and shames them. 

You know what your kids need. You know what type of adult you hope they become (or possibly one you don’t want them to become). Have a little faith in yourself. Take a deep breathe, and let go. 

The World is our Playground, and I’ll Probably Scratch my Knee

I was always taught, you should never talk about religion, politics, or how much someone makes. As a teen/young adult, this seemed silly to me. I was not about to hide my thoughts and beliefs just to spare someone from feeling uncomfortable. Your entire life is based around these things. Why should you tip toe around subjects that dictate your entire existence and purpose? Let the world know where you stand! Then, adulthood happened. These silly rules of etiquette now have a different meaning than what I perceived in my younger days.

I am going to touch on religion today. I was raised Roman Catholic. I loved it. The church I went to was filled with caring, loving people. I was not raised with hate, judgement, or class divide. I was very lucky. The families I saw every Sunday were also the families that I would see volunteering with my own. They were the ones that we would have cook outs with. They were the families that we would call for help with a project, or find ourselves helping them with one of theirs. With all this time together, can you guess how much of it was spent talking about religion? Little to none. Maybe a “I could use some prayers” or a “I’m having a hard time accepting God’s will on this”, but very rarely some sort of deep religious debate.

I am not religious now, but I often contemplate this time in my life. I get on Facebook, and see these constant religious posts, and it makes me cringe. Not because I don’t respect others faith. Not because I don’t understand other’s beliefs. My irritation comes from the fact that these people are missing the point. They are living their lives by verses and some sort of delusional “prayer magic” and never just live. They spout out that they, “trust in God”, yet live and talk as if they’re trying to constantly convince themselves and others what they really believe.

Here’s the thing. (And I’m mostly addressing those who are Christian, since that is where my experience lies.) If your faith is the core of who you are, you don’t need to convince or preach to anyone. Seriously. It will be evident through your actions and life. If you are having inner turmoil over a life decision and “God’s direction”, you’re wasting your time and energy. If you preach faith, trust, love, mercy, and kindness, and find your immediate reaction to another person’s choices or lifestyle to be harsh and judgmental, your faith is not at your core. You are doing it wrong.

See, these families I was raised with still lived. They still went on vacations. They enjoyed camping. They had workout routines. They took art classes. They went to the movies. And, believe it or not, they did not feel that enjoying the world they lived in was somehow taking from their beliefs. They believed it added to it. Guess what. You’re allowed to enjoy the world you’re in. If your faith is truly who you are, and not just your religion, it’s always with you. If God made this world, and he made you and me, that means he also made trees and animals and our imagination.

I am having a hard time explaining where I’m going with this so I’m going to use a little visual for you.

Someone creates a large amazing playground. You get here and look around at how amazing it is. There are other people there too. Now, you have to decide how much/little you want to experience there, and you observe the others to help you to decide.

-The careless: You see some climbing on the outside of it and jumping off carelessly. They hurt themselves.

-The helpers: You see some run to the aid of those hurt to help.

-The self righteous: You hear some say “well, it’s their own fault. They were being reckless.” And “If they were as cautious as I am, this wouldn’t have happened.”

-The fear mongers: You see some just playing around the outside on the ground. “We see the dangers of this playground! Just because we are here, doesn’t mean we have to be part of it! Avoid the temptation of others, it may look like fun, but it will always lead to hurt! Do not give in to it’s flashy excitement!”

-The destructive: You see some breaking parts of it. Drawing or carving on it.

-The fixers: You see some taking a break from playing to repair parts that are broken.

-The happy: You see some just sliding down slides and playing with others.

I could go on and on with this, but you get the point. The world is our playground. Yes there are dangers. Yes others aren’t playing the way you think is best. But you are missing out if you refuse to take part in it’s awesomeness. Who are you in this playground? If you fell, would you never venture on it again? If someone else fell, would you offer help, or judgment? Instead of living in constant fear that you’re going to play wrong, get out there and climb the fucking monkey bars. You’ll find what you enjoy. You’ll find what you’re good at. You’ll find what and who you should avoid. But if you just sit on the sidelines refusing to be a part of this amazing world, that you say your God created, you’re only making your purpose and happiness take longer. No one was made to just sit to the side. That’s where hate, anger, judgement, and jealousy come from. Your inner turmoil and self righteous feelings aren’t hurting me, or anyone else on the playground. They’re hurting you.