Tag: feminism

If you throw a big enough stink, the answers still no.

Not too long ago I had a conversation with someone about her teenage son. Just normal teenage irritation, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

We get a lot of snow in Michigan. This woman bought a new snowblower right before we had a major lake effect snow day. Her son, very eager to use this new machine, offered to clear the driveway. She told him no. She wanted to look at it first. She had a friend coming over to show her how to use it, and he could show her son too.

Her son lost it. Full 17 year old temper tantrum. He felt that he could figure it out and should be allowed to. She maintained her no. More huffing and puffing and swearing about it.

She called her friend and they decided to wait on him coming over since her son was throwing a fit all around the house. Her friend told her that was best. But she needed to realize that even though she’s not wrong to say no, on the guy side of it, her son probably felt emasculated.

She carried on with her reasoning. It’s a expensive piece of equipment and she doesn’t want it to end up broken. She wants to make sure she got the right one. It’s her home and she is allowed to say no. And so on.

I finally told her, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. While it’s nice to give a reason, it really comes down to, she owns it. She gets to decide how and when it’s used. She can decide to put the snowblower on her roof for decoration if she wants. As the owner of the house and the snowblower, she gets to make those calls. He felt emasculated? Who effing cares. Since when does a 17 year old boy’s fragile ego take priority over his parent’s very direct “no”?

That’s the thing. We live in a world where it does. Woman, very often, have to cater to grown men’s fragile egos on a daily basis. Like, constantly. In the home, in the workplace, in social situations, everywhere we go we have to worry about threatening men’s masculinity.

He threw a fit over a no. He threw himself around the house yelling and making his anger know. Because a woman told him no to something he wanted to do. Has he been told no before? Absolutely. Will he be told no again? Absolutely.

I reassured her that not only did she do the right thing by cancelling, but it was imperative that she stuck with it. Her son will be told no at college parties. He will be told no by professors. He will be told know by bosses. He will be told no. And some will be woman.

What will he do when he has a “great idea” at work, and his female boss cuts him of and tells him she doesn’t care. Will he just do as asked? Or will he throw a fit because “if she would just listen to his idea…”

What will happen when he’s out at a party and flirting with a girl and he wants her to come with him and she says no? Will be be respectful? Or will he corner or force her?

I do not give an eff about your manliness. I care about the females that have to work with you. I care about your female boss who can’t get you to do your job the way she asks without question. I care about the young women you meet at a party or the ones that decide to date you. I care about your future wife and daughters.

This mom didn’t need me to tell her all that. She had already given the no and stuck by it. But I wanted her to hear out loud what every woman knows internally. That it is imperative for woman in authoritative roles to stand strong when males push back in anger. I wanted to reassure her. I wanted her to know that her decision wasn’t hurting her son’s manhood, and was exactly what he needed.

We need to have these conversations. We need to talk to other women. We need to call it out to men when we see it. Their need for having a protected masculinity is a myth used to keep women in a position of inferiority.

You’re fragile ego is not more important than my right to say no. If a female gives you a no and it makes you angry, you are suffering from toxic masculinity and I recommend you see a therapist to discuss what steps you need to take to fix this defect of entitlement that is plaguing you.

 One of my worst nights.

I want to tell a story.

A few years back, on Halloween, I went to a costume party with my sister, I dressed up as a Marvel character. We met my mom and step dad there. It was a BLAST. I drove and the plan was that my mom, who wasn’t drinking, or my sister were going to drive me. The plans were vague, but we knew we would figure out a safe way home. No biggie.

One of the best Halloween Parties I’ve ever been too. And I am glad for that. It was the last time we all went out with Dad before he died. It was adorable to watch him watch Mom. Just love and awe as he watched her dance with her girlfriends. Of course my sister and I took turns buying him shots of Crown, and tried to get him out there dancing with her.

Just all around a great night.

Then I ran into someone who recognized me from a play I was in. We started talking and laughing. I was DRUNK. Everyone was my friend and great. Everything was great. But I was getting tired. I better find my family.

They were gone. I grabbed my dying phone and tried to call. Straight to voicemail. Panic starts to set in a bit as I look around for anyone I know.

A guy approaches and starts to talk to me. I smile and try to keep my level of drunkness at bay. Then a couple of his friends walk up. They all start talking to me. The first guy asks if I want to go to a party with them. I feel my stomach drop. The bar lights are on. There is only a few ppl left and I don’t know any of them. I don’t know what to do.

You know that “gut feeling” we are always told to listen to? Mine was saying run. Get. Out. Now. I was absolutely terrified that these 5-6 were guys going to rape me. I told him I couldn’t, but thanks for the invite! He was not taking no for an answer. He wouldn’t leave me alone and kept getting closer. All of them were around me. Finally I said, I would go. I faked a laugh and asked where it was at. “Oh, we’ll drive you. Don’t worry about it.” I HAD to get away. I agreed and leaned against the wall. The main guy told me he needed to go to the bathroom and then we would leave. He turned and I ran.

I ran to my car quicker than I’ve ever ran. I started it and left the bar. I started to cry. Why the fuck am I driving. I am going to go to jail. I would be so mad at any friend driving drunk. Maybe I over reacted? I shouldn’t be driving. If I get pulled over they won’t care that I was stuck. What if they raped Me? I shouldn’t have dressed as Domino. I need to park my car. But they saw this car. Where can I go? I need to go somewhere public. A gas station.

I pulled into a gas station. Turned off my car, threw my keys on the seat, locked the doors, texted my (then) fiance where I was and closed my eyes, still shaking. I slept there for about an hour. 

Officer: Knock-knock-knock “Ma’am? Are you alright?”
Me: Yes I am fine. Thank you.
Officer: I need you to come inside.

I spent the next hour and half with this man drilling me. I was cooperative. I told him I was drunk. I had friends that cared about me. My fiance would be stopping here in the morning to give me a ride home, so this was a safe place for me to sleep. I thanked him for his concern. And agreed to wait inside for my fiance. At this point my phone had died and I told him I just had to wait I couldn’t call him.

He had me call him from his phone. I called my fiance and explained that I’m not safe to drive, I was sleeping, they were concerned about me sleeping in my car, and he had to come get me. This seemed to appease the officer. So I thanked him again, he left, and it went into the bathroom to wash the Halloween makeup off my face.

When I came out he was there again. He wanted me to take a breathalyzer test. At this point I am feeling harassed. And I told him so. I did not deny my alcohol consumption. I came in and I called. I did everything he asked. I was not belligerent or uncooperative. So I asked him why he wanted a breathalyzer after all of that.

He could have asked at any point. Why did he leave and come back to ask me for one? He said he just wanted one and I had to do it. I told him no. I did not have to do it and, because I was intoxicated, I did not feel comfortable having any more interactions with him without my fiance or a lawyer present.

I was terrified. This was one of the scariest nights of my life. Everytime I think about that night and makes me sick to my stomach. It was such a great night. Then, it wasn’t. I think about all that could have happened. What if I decided to do the right thing and not drive? And those guys took me? What if I fell asleep on the road or hit someone? What if I did do the breathalyzer? What if the officer decided to arrest me?

I’ve only told a couple people about this night. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. Everytime I think about that night I am affirmed in my mind that I did the right thing. But I still feel so hurt and angry about it.

When I hear stories about women being assaulted and the defense being that the woman was dressed provocatively, I realize how close I was to being that woman. Would these men have gotten away with it because I was in a Domino costume? Because I was drunk? Why is my only option in the situation to break the law or potentially be raped?

I went out for a night of drinking and dancing with my family. One little misunderstanding about rides could have potentially changed my entire life. 

I don’t know why I wanted to share this. I guess I just feel like people should know that even if you plan and do everything right things can change very quickly.

And that it really sucks that as women, we have lingering fear of harm and guilt of pleasure with everything we do. That those men could have been excused due to intoxication and poor judgement while I would be blamed because of the same things. 

Four Quarters vs A Dollar 

Today, I want to talk about sex. And feminism. I know. Sounds exciting, eh? Oh it will be, my friends. So join me on this enlightening experience. 

I am currently not having sex. Obviously not right this second, but also in general. I haven’t had sex in over a year. Personal choice. I’m happy. End of story. 

Did you guys know that even as a single woman, my choice to not “do the dirty” was not my choice to make? I did not know this. I have had to explain, justify, downplay, joke about, and even lie about my OWN sex life to appease random men who approach me about getting frisky. Since I am not allowed to have my sexual desires remain private due to some unwritten rule that any man is allowed to push the subject, I am just going to write a blog about it. 

Jumping to feminism real quick. Just so you can see where my mind is going with all this. 

I have always explained feminism as 4 quarters vs a dollar. They are completely equal in worth. You can buy the exact same amount of goods with both. BUT. They are made of completely different materials. Woman and men are different. Our hormones are different. Our bodies are different. Even the way we think is different. But we are completely equal. That being said, you HAVE to have a respect for how the person is made and how that affects their day to day life. I mean, for fricks sake. I am wearing a bra that is 2 sizes too small because I refuse to spend $50 on a bra I will only wear for a couple more months. Do you know that pain dudes? Do you realize there are shirts I won’t wear in case I have a nip-slip?  No you don’t. Your underwear comes in a multi pack for under $10. Does me not having a bra that properly fits cause my worth to go down? Nope. Even a wrinkled dollar has the same value.

Back to the sex part. 

Disclaimer: I have most definitely had flirtatious messages with men where their comments are encouraged and welcomed. I am not talking about those consensual conversations. I’m talking about the unsolicited ones.

Men. Do you have any idea the level of irritation woman face with you attempted sexual advances? Guess what. I don’t have to give you a reason. Maybe I just don’t want to. Maybe I’m not attracted to you. Maybe I’m on my period. Or have a yeast infection. Or maybe I don’t want to shave my legs. (Ew gross. You mean woman are people with bodies that aren’t always “sex ready”?) Quit pushing. No means no. You being a man does not entitle you to any explanation at all. We’re equal, right? So ask yourself. Do you ever feel you HAVE to explain your sexual choices to random people? I don’t mean do you feel comfortable with discussing it. I am actually quite comfortable discussing sex. I’m asking do you ever feel that you don’t have a choice. Do you ever feel the person won’t back off until you answer. It’s bullshit. 

Now. As most woman know, I can say all day long, “I don’t owe you any explanation”. But men can be relentless. So most times we do give a reason. I used to just make something up. “I have a boyfriend” is the most common. Because for some reason, these guys have more respect for an imaginary man and his ownership over me than they do for me as a woman. 

Today a man messaged me. I almost didn’t bring it up in this post. In case he read my blog and knew I was talking about him. Then, like an out-of-body experience, I realized. Eff that guy. Why are we woman conditioned in such a way, that this man’s fragile ego just about censored what I was going to write? I told him. Repeatedly. I am not having sex. Every conversation was turned to sex. Working out? Sex. Going dancing? Sex. Doing improv? Sex. I finally just told him again, I have no intention of having sex. The last time I “hooked up” with someone, I ended up pregnant. It was traumatic and life changing. It’s not going to happen. His response? We could use a condom. And a comment on how big my boobs must be since I’m nursing. 

I hear men say all the time: I wouldn’t care if a woman talk to me that way. I would rather woman be upfront like that. If I didn’t want it I would just say no. I don’t see what the big deal is. Women are overreacting, if somebody said something like that to me I would just brush it off.

A man just prioritized a sexual want he had for me over a life-changing experience I had. Pause. Let that sink in. I just expressed a life-changing occurrence to somebody and he still felt that his desire to have sex was more important.

Why is this socially acceptable? I feel like, since woman have this possible outcome from intercourse, men would be more like, “Oh shit. I hear ya on that. No problem. Do you want to go for a bike ride instead? Or to the theatre? Or really anything that doesn’t have a long term consequence like a child? Good looking out lady.”

I feel like women everywhere or banging their heads against a wall. It’s really not that hard of a concept. We are not your sexual objects. We deserve the same respect you would give any man. The equal does not mean the same. Meaning, we make choices based on having a vagina and uterus. Does that make you uncomfortable? Do you think it’s unfair? You’ll be okay. Believe me. Women have been having to adjust what works for them to be in a man’s world since the beginning of time. Half the population does not have a penis. Just because you don’t have to watch your drinks at a party, or worry about being raped in an alleyway, or have a fear that telling a man no will result in physical retaliation, doesn’t mean those things don’t exist. I feel like I speak for all women when I say I am so tired of having to deal with the fragility of the male ego. 

I was not put on this earth for a man. My purpose in life is not to fulfill some man’s purpose. My purpose in life is to live MY LIFE to it’s fullest. Woman can, in fact, just be single. Our ultimate goal does not have to be to find a man. I know. I know. What the hell will I talk to my girlfriends about? Or daydream about?  Aren’t men ALWAYS the topic of conversation? 

Equality does not mean us women have to become men. Let me say that again. Equality does not mean I have to become a man. Equality means I should be able to function daily as a woman without feeling I owe a man anything. Equality means you men need to acknowledge the fact that we are different and with that, comes different needs that must be met. We’ve all heard the quote, “When you are privileged, equality feels a lot like oppression”. It’s going to be uncomfortable for you guys to change. But guess what. It has been uncomfortable for us women. Next time you’re rejected, just drop it. Then, think to yourself how awesome that must be for the girl. That you going through a few moments of rejection, just reaffirmed in her that her voice matters. That no means no. That she deserves respect. Don’t worry. It will get easier with time and practice. 

We’re not asking for free soft drinks. We’re simply saying that the vending machine should be functional for both dollars and coins.