My childhood was pretty normal. Growing up with divorced parents, lower-middle class, I was given just enough dysfunction to make me normal. I have a pretty good reality base. Every family has their ways of doing things.
On my dad’s side, my Grandmother was where I found my peace. As soon as my quirkiness slipped out, I would find myself panicking and my anxiety raise. And there she was. She always had a way of calming and accepting me. I never felt judgement, irritation, or any sort of self doubt with her. I just felt love.
One month ago, my grandmother started to have some confusion and headaches. Being a very active, upbeat person, it was hard to see her like this. But we knew it would be ok. It was a UTI….no….it is fluid on the brain….no…it’s…. well…we don’t know. Spinal taps, MRIs, blood work, and repeat. We watched her slowly break down. Then, we found the cause. Cancer.
You wouldn’t think lung cancer when you saw my grandma. She didn’t smoke. Was healthy. Active. Upbeat. Joyful. This cancer had ripped through her body with a vengeance. It had taken my grandmother from that happy lady I saw at Christmas, to a broken, weak, shell. It was heartbreaking.
I went to see her yesterday. I gave her a kiss and told her how much I was going to miss her. How much I love her. And thanked her for everything. I told her goodbye.
She died this morning at about 2:30am. My grief over this is so deep. This wonderful, amazing woman has done for me in my life than you could imagine. The child in me wants to scream, “it’s not fair!!” I want to find her and hug her and tell her all about my day. I want to walk through her garden and let me show me all her new plants. I want to draw her pictures and do magic tricks for her. I want to cuddle up and watch the jungle book with her. I want to sit on her bathroom counter and let her put blush on my cheeks and lipstick on my lips. I want to tell her about my problems and have her tell me everything is ok and that I’m doing great. I want my grandma back.
But I can’t. So I will cry. I will grieve. And I will try to pull myself together. I love you Grandma. I miss you. And I am so thankful I got to be your granddaughter.
(This was written in Feb 2014 after her death on the 7th)
thatbethy 