I have this overwhelming disdain for shallow people. I find myself wanting break them to the point of reassessing their lives and maybe find a little depth. I often use sarcasm and overly condescending responses while having conversation. Not always, but a lot of the times. I guess I feel like I want to embarrass them. I want them to think before they spew their unimportant, usually trivial, thoughts to the rest of the world.
That being said, I can play the part of “surface level” thoughts and conversations. It’s actually a necessary talent to have in the adult world. When these occurrences happen, I am usually left with an odd combination of feelings. Part of me feels accomplished and successful, almost like nailing a part in a play. It is an act, so of course I feel like if I can get through the entire conversation without letting a snide remark out, I am the MASTER OF BULLSHITTING! The other part of me feels dirty and tainted. (I can’t believe I just talked about which kind of bushes would look the best in the front yard for 10 min…..OMG was that fake laugh at her turmoil and final resolution over an eggshell or white for the entryway full of obvious sarcasm??). I feel as if I’m going against who I am as a person, like I cheated myself. But like I said, it’s an act.
So why am I like this? Where am I taking you on this ride through the mind of Bethy you ask?? Well, we all know I love flashbacks, so join me to my teenage years!
It was in the early 2000’s. I’m not sure of the exact age, but that’s irrelevant anyways. I was sitting at lunch with some of the popular girls. Now, I was by no means popular, but was far from being a social reject. My perception of myself in high school was, I was a piece of furniture. Not really liked or disliked. Just kind of there. (of course in my mind, I felt forced into this role. As an extrovert, it drove me crazy not being noticed in one way or another.) So it was not an odd thing to be sitting by these girls. Then it happened. Almost like an out-of-body experience. I heard myself say, “Oh, I just looooove Clinique’s mint eye shadow. I think I’ll pick some up when I go to buy a bottle of Happy.” *cringe* What am I saying? I actually didn’t like Clinique. To me it was overpriced, and not even that outstanding of quality. Besides, I knew I had no way of ever actually buying it. I worked part time at a restaurant, and would much rather save my money for something I liked, not something I need someone to see me use to feel like it was worth it. I very gracefully excused myself, and never looked back.
At that moment I realized, I could have made the transition to “being someone” in the high school realm. I chose not to. At the time I was really into politics. It fascinated me to learn the interactions and workings of each party. And, having helped with habitat for humanity and the soup kitchen, I was really wanting to involve myself in more “give back” type programs. I also was exploring different music types. Finding out there was more that Brittany Spears and The Backstreet boys out there. It was ok to not like rap. Punk music had WAY more than the pop-punk radio songs had to offer. I would NOT be able to share this stuff with these girls. If I wanted to be shallow, I had to STAY shallow. Yeah…..I couldn’t do it. So I made a decision to live my life for the big picture, and not get worked up about the small stuff.
So here I am. An adult who has learned to loathe the casual, mindless conversation. And it hits me. I have completely set myself up for apathy. I know there is injustice. I know there are starving children. I have SEEN poverty. I know our government is corrupt and flawed. I see the possibilities in this world for complete and udder devastation with all these empty minded sheep. So the little stuff loses its point. My laundry is clean, but what’s the point of putting it away? There are more important things out there. I should organize my paperwork, but who cares? Everything is there, why waste my time?? There’s a whole world out there, and people trying to eat! People dying!
I believe we NEED to feel a certain amount of self thought and shallowness. Because our personal lives are OUR worlds. The big picture isn’t getting any better by my lack of care for the little things. In fact, I’m probably hurting the cause. How can I teach my daughter’s how to take care of others if I don’t emphasize the importance of self care? Our own little worlds DO matter, and while I still dislike the fake interactions that happen on a daily basis, it’s ok to lift the burden of the “big picture” every once in awhile. Our first responsibility is to ourselves and our family. So, I will work on looking at some of the trees, since I already know there is a forest there. And maybe learn how to navigate myself through it.
thatbethy 