Tag: maturity

Hi. I am Beth. And I’m a toxic person.

One of my favorite things that social media and technology has brought to my generation is its ability to help us cope, understand, and process dysfunction and toxicity that is in our lives. I see it all the time. People in my age group properly able to identify unhealthy behavior in themselves and in others. That doesn’t mean they necessarily know how to deal with it, but they can identify it. Which is a huge step.

A few weeks back I had a friend say to me, “I feel like I’m gaslighting them! I didn’t even realize I was doing it. They deserve better than that.” My friend was 100% serious and concerned about it. The self awareness this person has in their 30s is astounding to me. They are toxic. They know they are. And they are able to zero in on exactly what they are doing that is dysfunctional, and even tell me why they think they are like this. 

I am a toxic person. I have the potential to suck out all the life of a person. I can manipulate. I can read people and very quickly know what they are insecure about. I can sense vulnerability and dysfunction like a freaking superpower. I can also tell when a person is emotionally healthy. I can feel boundaries that are set (or not set) almost immediately after meeting someone. My comfort zone is filled with toxic interactions and unhealthy behaviors. 

I sound like a gem, eh? Well, I think I am. Not because that stuff doesn’t matter. Because I fight that stuff EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Ask anyone who knew me in my 20s. Talk to my exes. I was not a bad person. But I was broken. The adult I was trying to be was not one on a healthy path. It was one who used white lies, cheated, and manipulated to get my way. I didn’t want to be like that. I did not like seeing the ones I loved hurt by me. 

I started seeing a therapist. I started making a conscious effort. I had to learn how to purge the toxicity from my interactions. It sucked. It was hard. No…not was. It is hard. I find when I’m with other people working on themselves, or people that are emotionally stable, it is easy. I can relax and just be. But the moment someone with dysfunction enters my life, I want to retreat to my ever so toxic comfort zone. I can feel it. I can hear it in what I say. I leave feeling angry at myself. Ashamed. 

I like to cut people in their 20s some slack. That decade is such a shit hole anyways. Add in having to process through childhood/adolescence and you’re left with some pretty lost adults who are trying to sort through 2 decades of preparation for adulthood. It’s exhausting and can be overwhelming. But once you’re in your 30s, get your shit together. You have had over a decade of making your own choices. At this point, your life is what you have made it. Acknowledge what you’ve been through and grow. 

I am a toxic person. I have to know this always. I have to understand and be compassionate to those who distance themselves from me. I have to work 10x as hard to make sure I keep my toxicity from my children. I need to make sure my children find dysfunction uncomfortable and wrong. I have to make sure I guard myself from others who take me by the hand and try to lead me down to that place I’ve escaped from. I need to acknowledge what brought me to this point, but not dwell on it, blame does not add to my growth. I need to know that when I do slip up, I tell whoever I hurt I was wrong and they deserve better. 

If you are a toxic person, you are not a bad person. Every day, every interaction, you have a choice to do better, to be better. Find a therapist. (I know I know, therapist shopping is the WORST. But don’t settle for one that isn’t helping you.) Start working on rewiring yourself. Your life will be happier. Your relationships will be better. You will thrive. 

Let Me Explain…Oh Nevermind

I remember when I was a kid, watching television shows and movies, and getting SO frustrated with the characters. Why don’t they just EXPLAIN what happened? Being the viewer, I could see what the truth was. And how and why it was misperceived. Of course, the character never explained, and eventually the truth would come out from another source. Which would cause the overly judgemental, angry, jumped-to-conclusions, character to see the truth and then understand. Happy endings for all!

Of course, I felt they could avoid the entire confrontation part of things if they would just talk and explain things. (But I guess then their wouldn’t be much of a story). Why didn’t they though? Why do adults always just let people believe things that are WRONG. Why don’t they ever correct it? Don’t they want people to know the truth?

Then adulthood came. Ah. Now I understand.

You see, I have the big picture view of my life. I understand, not only what my problems are, but why they are problems, and what has and has not worked for me in the past. But these other characters in my life are just passing through. And I cannot explain every aspect to them. Some really want to know. Most do not. Most already have the “you should just” , “why don’t you just” , “I would just” , “I don’t understand why you don’t just”  mentality.

So what do I do? Try each and every time to explain myself? Do you know anyone who does this? They sound like they’re constantly making excuses for themselves and their obvious bad choices. Because if they would do it the “right way” they would not be struggling. They must love turmoil and problems.

I’ve often caught myself trying to explain why I made one choice or another. I’m shut down every time. And it usually ends with me saying, “you know, you’re right! I should try that next time!” Because that’s all they wanted. They don’t want to know you’re ok. They don’t want to understand how you got where you are. They don’t have love, compassion, or any sort of empathy. They have judgement and a sick superiority complex where they HONESTLY believe they just have so much more wisdom or life insight than you do. So trying to explain yourself just looks like justifications or excuses. And agreeing with them pets their obviously overgrown ego. They get to feel that they finally got through to you and your simple mind.

So that’s why grownups don’t waste their time. All we can hope is that (like in the movies) there is a moment where the truth is reveled. Or that the other person faces similar experiences and has a moment of clarity and understanding. A humbling moment that leads to an apology for harsh treatment or condescending, hurtful words. But that just happens in the movies. This is the real world, so I’m not holding my breath.