I have written before about my months being “homeless”. For those who haven’t read about my time without a home, I would like to stress, I was not on the street, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I miss it. I have found myself, for the last few months, trying to recreate those couple months of my life. Only this time, I am trying to do it on my own. It’s not working.
I try to be a problem solver about these type things. I need to figure out why living in someone’s basement, with 3 times the amount of people, only about 10% of my possessions, was more peaceful and encouraging than what I am doing now. I still work the same places. I still have bills. I still have children. What is the variable in all this?
Last week I was talking to my mom. Just normal mother daughter stuff. I was telling her how sick of surviving I was. That I wish I could just go out and take chances and do things. It’s not fair. I was telling her about how I wished I was naive to the world. That I was wished that I could just be stupid. Some people I meet are so dumb, yet so successful. I’ve talked to people before and thought, how do you make so much more than me? You, my friend, are an idiot. Why can’t I just be like that? See, the problem is, I know where I lack. I know there is so much more to things than we originally see. I feel small when I think about how much there is to learn, how much life I have not seen. How complex the inner workings of each human encounter and situation is. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I want to not be self aware. I want to just think I can do something, and be so confident, that everyone around me just believes I can too. How can I just block out the part of me that knows my pit falls?
I told my mom what a Debbie Downer I was. People give me such great solutions, “you should just…. why don’t you just….if I were you I would just….” And I find holes in their logic every time. I sound like I’m making excuses. People assume I am not really looking for a solution. How do I just block out that part of me that dissects every aspect of other’s suggestions? My mom said, you can’t block that out. You don’t have a safety net. Some people have no idea what it’s like to live their life without a safety net.
My mind immediately went into visual mode. I imagined walking on a high wire, with no net. I could feel the anxiety. My pace would be slow and precise. I would be focusing on each step, my breathing, and be preparing myself to squat down and hold the rope if need be. Then I imagined myself doing the same thing with a net. While I would still be trying to keep my balance, I would not have anxiety. I would be watching the finish line, not my feet. My pace would be quicker, and I wouldn’t be concerned with worrying about grabbing on. Worst case, I may have to start again. But I wouldn’t be injured. It would be a set back, but not devastating.
So what does it feel like to not have a net in the real world? Well, first off, you have to assume it’s only you. You can hope for help with things, but never assume. YOU will have to clean, cook, work, drive, plan, tend to the kids, take care of yourself, and make sure things are done in a way you are not setting yourself up for trouble later. Sounds a lot like every day life….except you need to add the anxiety of not having anyone there to help. You need to remember that one little overlook could set you back for a long time. You start saying no to everything. You’re so worried about one foot in front of the other, even if there is something that could help you down the road, you do not have the ability to look up from your own feet. You miss out on things that could help you, or chose not to take risks that would benefit you, because it’s too much of a gamble. You can’t concern yourself with “making the most” of anything. Your job is to just survive and get through it.
Now, add in the spectators. Those who are watching you, and see what you’re missing. Yelling “don’t do that!” Or “I can’t believe you missed that!” Try to block them out. Yes, they have a better view of the big picture. From where they’re standing, they can give all the right advice. But they are not up on the wire with you. They can’t feel how much give is left in it, or how tired or weak you feel. They are not going to catch you if you fall, and you don’t expect them to risk themselves to try to. You just take a step at a time, and rest when you need to.
Now, back to living with the Collins family. It was the first time in years I felt safe. They had given me a net. They didn’t take away had I had to do in life, they simply gave me the ability to not just survive it. Their cheers from below were reminders that if I fell, they would help me back up on the wire. They took the anxiety away. I was able to look up and actually make decisions for my life.
So I’m back without a net. It is what it is. I now know, I need to make my own net. While I was so graciously allowed to borrow theirs for a short time, it is theirs. They need it for their family, and their own life challenges. So that is what I need to do now. I need to take a break from the task at hand and figure out how to make a net for myself and my family, so that I can progress forward in life. What will that net be? Saving money? A higher education? Making connections and finding resources? I don’t know yet. Right now I feel like my task is untangling the knotted material that could be my net. Look at what I have to use, and figure out how to make it work.
For those out there with a net. When you see someone that seems to be struggling with something that seems to have a simple solution, ask yoursef: If I didn’t have my spouse, my savings, my degree, my connections and life experiences, or my plan b, what would I do? If you have the ability to offer your net temporarily, do it. If you can help with the tangled mess they have so they can make their own net, even better.
For those with no net. You are not alone. Don’t ever let others make you feel bad about how your are walking the wire. There are those who see your struggle and want to help. Take one step at a time and rest when you need to. It may seem hopeless, the end may seem too far to ever reach. You may have to just stop, hold on, and cry. Do it. You’re the one up there, you’re the one that knows your limits and all you have to lose if you take a wrong step. And I will try to be a cheerleader for you. I will try to offer a net when I can. You, my friend, have my deepest admiration for having to go through life with the added anxiety and fear others don’t have to experience. You are not weak or stupid. You are stronger and more self aware than most, and you need to know that about yourself.
thatbethy 