Tag: no

If you throw a big enough stink, the answers still no.

Not too long ago I had a conversation with someone about her teenage son. Just normal teenage irritation, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

We get a lot of snow in Michigan. This woman bought a new snowblower right before we had a major lake effect snow day. Her son, very eager to use this new machine, offered to clear the driveway. She told him no. She wanted to look at it first. She had a friend coming over to show her how to use it, and he could show her son too.

Her son lost it. Full 17 year old temper tantrum. He felt that he could figure it out and should be allowed to. She maintained her no. More huffing and puffing and swearing about it.

She called her friend and they decided to wait on him coming over since her son was throwing a fit all around the house. Her friend told her that was best. But she needed to realize that even though she’s not wrong to say no, on the guy side of it, her son probably felt emasculated.

She carried on with her reasoning. It’s a expensive piece of equipment and she doesn’t want it to end up broken. She wants to make sure she got the right one. It’s her home and she is allowed to say no. And so on.

I finally told her, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. While it’s nice to give a reason, it really comes down to, she owns it. She gets to decide how and when it’s used. She can decide to put the snowblower on her roof for decoration if she wants. As the owner of the house and the snowblower, she gets to make those calls. He felt emasculated? Who effing cares. Since when does a 17 year old boy’s fragile ego take priority over his parent’s very direct “no”?

That’s the thing. We live in a world where it does. Woman, very often, have to cater to grown men’s fragile egos on a daily basis. Like, constantly. In the home, in the workplace, in social situations, everywhere we go we have to worry about threatening men’s masculinity.

He threw a fit over a no. He threw himself around the house yelling and making his anger know. Because a woman told him no to something he wanted to do. Has he been told no before? Absolutely. Will he be told no again? Absolutely.

I reassured her that not only did she do the right thing by cancelling, but it was imperative that she stuck with it. Her son will be told no at college parties. He will be told no by professors. He will be told know by bosses. He will be told no. And some will be woman.

What will he do when he has a “great idea” at work, and his female boss cuts him of and tells him she doesn’t care. Will he just do as asked? Or will he throw a fit because “if she would just listen to his idea…”

What will happen when he’s out at a party and flirting with a girl and he wants her to come with him and she says no? Will be be respectful? Or will he corner or force her?

I do not give an eff about your manliness. I care about the females that have to work with you. I care about your female boss who can’t get you to do your job the way she asks without question. I care about the young women you meet at a party or the ones that decide to date you. I care about your future wife and daughters.

This mom didn’t need me to tell her all that. She had already given the no and stuck by it. But I wanted her to hear out loud what every woman knows internally. That it is imperative for woman in authoritative roles to stand strong when males push back in anger. I wanted to reassure her. I wanted her to know that her decision wasn’t hurting her son’s manhood, and was exactly what he needed.

We need to have these conversations. We need to talk to other women. We need to call it out to men when we see it. Their need for having a protected masculinity is a myth used to keep women in a position of inferiority.

You’re fragile ego is not more important than my right to say no. If a female gives you a no and it makes you angry, you are suffering from toxic masculinity and I recommend you see a therapist to discuss what steps you need to take to fix this defect of entitlement that is plaguing you.

A “no” is the first step toward a “yes”

“Beth. People want to help. People like to give. You need to put yourself out there and let those who can, help you.”

Variations of this statement have been said to me year after year. Is it my pride that makes it difficult? Society’s “don’t expect a handout” knee jerk response with every need? Either way, the above statement is true. People do like to help. I like to help. Even with as little as we have, if I know someone is in need, I try to help. I don’t think less of a person in need. I definitely don’t hold it over them or against them. 

Do you feel like I am buttering you up for a request? That’s because I am. I’m trying to sell you on the idea that I deserve help. I think that bothers me the me most about being poor. That panicked feeling you get when you’re trying to convince someone you are worth their time or money. 

This morning I went to my grandma’s for a cup of coffee. We talked about how we’ve been treated during the years by those with influence or money. “I know a lot of people just assumed we were hillbillies and were beneath them. They didn’t even try to get to know us.” My grandma said. “So what? What if you were? Should that even matter? Grandma, hillbillies are people too.  To suggest that a human is less worthy of help or kindness because they are “poor hillbillies” is saying that rich = superior.” People justify withholding love and generosity, due to social standing, by suggesting the poor are poor because they deserve it. And that the rich are rich because they deserve it. When we all know amazing people who have almost nothing and disgusting humans who are very wealthy. 

Ten days ago my kids and I started a St. Joseph Novena. For those non-Catholics out there, it is 9 days of prayer for a special intercession. Our Novena was to find a home. I told my kids on day one, “This isn’t magic. This isn’t superstition. We will get a yes. BUT. It may not be the yes we think we need. So we need to remember to not be sad when we hear no. No is a good thing, because that will point us to the yes that is waiting for us.” 

Today I went to the bank to try to get pre-approved for a mortgage. I was told no. This sweet lady looked as if she wanted to cry for me. She shared with me a personal story of hardship she went through when she was younger. And I told her, “It’s ok. This no just means there’s a yes somewhere else. I had to start somewhere.” 

I need a house. I cannot afford to rent any longer. For a house big enough for my family, I will have to spend twice what I am spending now. Throwing money away. I have spent 7 years doing what I’m supposed to do. Working, paying bills, and taking care of my family. No bankruptcies. No foreclosures or evictions. No repossessions. Student loans and defaulted medical bills are all the debt I have. All of these things mean nothing to the bank. The bank says I should have a credit card. The bank says I need to wait another 2 years. The bank says I am too poor to have a house. Do I have a family member able to help with a down payment? Someone who would be willing to do a land contract? They cannot help me. I would need someone else to help. A family member? A friend of a friend? There is is. This “no” just pointed me in the direction I need to go to find my “yes”.

I need a house. I need someone who knows my situation to say I am worth investing in. I honestly believe we are all connected. That all that I am going through in my life is bigger than I am.  This is not just about me. It’s hard to explain. I have never felt so confident about anything. There is someone out there right now with the desire and ability to help my family. There is someone who has it in their thoughts or in their heart. They will know the moment they read this. 

Now, my children and I will wait to see what our “yes” will be and start preparing for our next life adventure! Because, whatever “yes” we are given, will most definitely be a positive, life changing yes!

Four Quarters vs A Dollar 

Today, I want to talk about sex. And feminism. I know. Sounds exciting, eh? Oh it will be, my friends. So join me on this enlightening experience. 

I am currently not having sex. Obviously not right this second, but also in general. I haven’t had sex in over a year. Personal choice. I’m happy. End of story. 

Did you guys know that even as a single woman, my choice to not “do the dirty” was not my choice to make? I did not know this. I have had to explain, justify, downplay, joke about, and even lie about my OWN sex life to appease random men who approach me about getting frisky. Since I am not allowed to have my sexual desires remain private due to some unwritten rule that any man is allowed to push the subject, I am just going to write a blog about it. 

Jumping to feminism real quick. Just so you can see where my mind is going with all this. 

I have always explained feminism as 4 quarters vs a dollar. They are completely equal in worth. You can buy the exact same amount of goods with both. BUT. They are made of completely different materials. Woman and men are different. Our hormones are different. Our bodies are different. Even the way we think is different. But we are completely equal. That being said, you HAVE to have a respect for how the person is made and how that affects their day to day life. I mean, for fricks sake. I am wearing a bra that is 2 sizes too small because I refuse to spend $50 on a bra I will only wear for a couple more months. Do you know that pain dudes? Do you realize there are shirts I won’t wear in case I have a nip-slip?  No you don’t. Your underwear comes in a multi pack for under $10. Does me not having a bra that properly fits cause my worth to go down? Nope. Even a wrinkled dollar has the same value.

Back to the sex part. 

Disclaimer: I have most definitely had flirtatious messages with men where their comments are encouraged and welcomed. I am not talking about those consensual conversations. I’m talking about the unsolicited ones.

Men. Do you have any idea the level of irritation woman face with you attempted sexual advances? Guess what. I don’t have to give you a reason. Maybe I just don’t want to. Maybe I’m not attracted to you. Maybe I’m on my period. Or have a yeast infection. Or maybe I don’t want to shave my legs. (Ew gross. You mean woman are people with bodies that aren’t always “sex ready”?) Quit pushing. No means no. You being a man does not entitle you to any explanation at all. We’re equal, right? So ask yourself. Do you ever feel you HAVE to explain your sexual choices to random people? I don’t mean do you feel comfortable with discussing it. I am actually quite comfortable discussing sex. I’m asking do you ever feel that you don’t have a choice. Do you ever feel the person won’t back off until you answer. It’s bullshit. 

Now. As most woman know, I can say all day long, “I don’t owe you any explanation”. But men can be relentless. So most times we do give a reason. I used to just make something up. “I have a boyfriend” is the most common. Because for some reason, these guys have more respect for an imaginary man and his ownership over me than they do for me as a woman. 

Today a man messaged me. I almost didn’t bring it up in this post. In case he read my blog and knew I was talking about him. Then, like an out-of-body experience, I realized. Eff that guy. Why are we woman conditioned in such a way, that this man’s fragile ego just about censored what I was going to write? I told him. Repeatedly. I am not having sex. Every conversation was turned to sex. Working out? Sex. Going dancing? Sex. Doing improv? Sex. I finally just told him again, I have no intention of having sex. The last time I “hooked up” with someone, I ended up pregnant. It was traumatic and life changing. It’s not going to happen. His response? We could use a condom. And a comment on how big my boobs must be since I’m nursing. 

I hear men say all the time: I wouldn’t care if a woman talk to me that way. I would rather woman be upfront like that. If I didn’t want it I would just say no. I don’t see what the big deal is. Women are overreacting, if somebody said something like that to me I would just brush it off.

A man just prioritized a sexual want he had for me over a life-changing experience I had. Pause. Let that sink in. I just expressed a life-changing occurrence to somebody and he still felt that his desire to have sex was more important.

Why is this socially acceptable? I feel like, since woman have this possible outcome from intercourse, men would be more like, “Oh shit. I hear ya on that. No problem. Do you want to go for a bike ride instead? Or to the theatre? Or really anything that doesn’t have a long term consequence like a child? Good looking out lady.”

I feel like women everywhere or banging their heads against a wall. It’s really not that hard of a concept. We are not your sexual objects. We deserve the same respect you would give any man. The equal does not mean the same. Meaning, we make choices based on having a vagina and uterus. Does that make you uncomfortable? Do you think it’s unfair? You’ll be okay. Believe me. Women have been having to adjust what works for them to be in a man’s world since the beginning of time. Half the population does not have a penis. Just because you don’t have to watch your drinks at a party, or worry about being raped in an alleyway, or have a fear that telling a man no will result in physical retaliation, doesn’t mean those things don’t exist. I feel like I speak for all women when I say I am so tired of having to deal with the fragility of the male ego. 

I was not put on this earth for a man. My purpose in life is not to fulfill some man’s purpose. My purpose in life is to live MY LIFE to it’s fullest. Woman can, in fact, just be single. Our ultimate goal does not have to be to find a man. I know. I know. What the hell will I talk to my girlfriends about? Or daydream about?  Aren’t men ALWAYS the topic of conversation? 

Equality does not mean us women have to become men. Let me say that again. Equality does not mean I have to become a man. Equality means I should be able to function daily as a woman without feeling I owe a man anything. Equality means you men need to acknowledge the fact that we are different and with that, comes different needs that must be met. We’ve all heard the quote, “When you are privileged, equality feels a lot like oppression”. It’s going to be uncomfortable for you guys to change. But guess what. It has been uncomfortable for us women. Next time you’re rejected, just drop it. Then, think to yourself how awesome that must be for the girl. That you going through a few moments of rejection, just reaffirmed in her that her voice matters. That no means no. That she deserves respect. Don’t worry. It will get easier with time and practice. 

We’re not asking for free soft drinks. We’re simply saying that the vending machine should be functional for both dollars and coins.