Tag: pregnancy

You’re Allowed to Make Mistakes Once You’re 30

I’m very pregnant right now. I have less than a week until my due date. So, pretty much everything I do and think about at this point is baby or birth related. So I decided I wanted to talk about a perception I had during this pregnancy.

My first daughter, like this current pregnancy, was unplanned. I touched on my choice to have her at 19 in http://wp.me/p4Wgjj-1S Well, little did I know that a few months after writing that blog, I would be facing that guillotine again. Only this time it was different. I was not 19, I was 30. And I wasn’t just starting my adulthood, I was well into it.

At 19, the thought of having a baby is scary. It’s life changing. But I knew I could do it. There was a certain amount of naivete that kept me positive and strong in my choice. At 30, that naivete was gone. I knew exactly what having a baby was going to be like. I knew how tired I would be. I knew everything I would have to give up. It was devastating.

I cried a lot. I can’t do this. I thought about abortion. If I just did it soon, it would be fine….no. I can’t do it. I knew I was just being a coward. I knew I would love the baby. I knew I would be a great mom for it. I knew a year from then I would not be able to live with myself and that choice. Adoption? I could find a family that needs a baby. I could just tell people I was a surrogate. Nope. I know myself too well. I know I am capable, and that I would regret it. So, begrudgingly, I accepted that I was going to have my 4th child.

Why was it so much harder this time? I am older, more stable, and already a mom. You would think a scared 19 year old would have more inner turmoil than a 30 year old. Then I started thinking about people. Their thoughts, their opinions, their advice. There it is. I didn’t want to go through that again. The judgement. The unsolicited advice. Being treated as if you’re walking around with a scarlet letter. I was too exhausted in life to have to deal with that again. Nineteen year old Beth had no problem telling people to fuck off, and just keep living. Thirty year old Beth was not nearly as willing to burn bridges, and cared a lot more for formed relationships.

People can be assholes. I’m guessing that my loud personality and blunt attitude makes people feel it’s ok to say things that they normally wouldn’t say to someone. Maybe they think I won’t care, that I have a thick skin. Whatever the reason, I have MANY times in life had people say hurtful, mean, and insulting things to me without feeling they were out of line.

So, I braced myself for the backlash. Mentally rehearsing what I would say when unkind and even rude words were spoken. Then I waited. Nothing. I waited some more. Still nothing. Every person I told I was pregnant to met me with excitement and encouragement. I was not prepared for that.

I started thinking about 19 year old Beth again. Why were people so harsh? I had people tell me I was selfish and wrong for having a baby. I was told I was ill equipped to be a mother and that it was a sin for me not to give the baby up. I had people go out of their way to make sure I KNEW they refused to go to my baby shower because they didn’t agree with my choice. Then, after she was born, I had nasty looks. People questioned EVERYTHING I did. I had a nurse grab my daughter out of my arms while rolling her eyes at me and making comment about, “young moms”.

This bothers me more now than it did 12 years ago. While going through it, I just pushed through, raised my child, and didn’t give these people a second thought. I didn’t realize how much that really stuck with me. I didn’t know, years later, I would be in the same circumstance and the thought of that hardship would make me consider giving my baby up.

Why do we do this to young adults? We punish them for choosing differently. Not just with babies. With all life choices. We sit there passing judgment and withholding empathy and kindness for what? To teach them a lesson? Here’s the thing folks, I already decided at 19 to have the baby. I was trying so hard to take responsibility for a choice and do what I felt was best. The best lesson you can teach a young adult in that situation is kindness. I didn’t expect anyone to take on the responsibility for me. Just kindness. Instead, I was taught that people are assholes and will make your life harder when you don’t do things their way. Then, years later, that lesson came back to me like a wave of panic.

We have to stop doing this. You don’t like the current generation? Get over it. You don’t agree with how they’re learning adulthood? That’s too bad for you. There is a difference between being kind and enabling someone. You don’t want to enable them? Ok. Then tell me, if that 20 year old was 30, would you still respond the same way? If you’re purposely being harsher to a young adult because “they need to learn”, then you are an asshole. The lesson you are teaching them is that they are not allowed to make mistakes while learning to be a grown up. Which we all know is bullshit. That is the ONLY way we learn. Through experiencing life and finding solutions to problems we put ourselves in.

Our young adults should feel like they can come to us for advice, not judgement. They will learn and excel into the adult world so much quicker with support and trust than with harshness and abandonment. You want to complain about millennials, but offer no way for them recover and learn from their mistakes. So next time there is a 19 or 20 year old who fucked up in life, remember, you don’t have to tell them. They know. Just tell them they’ll be ok, offer positive insight, and realize that your response is helping form what kind of adult they’re going to be.

Honestly, I Didn’t Really Want This Gift

I’m pregnant. Seventeen weeks at this time. This will be kid #4. That is a lot of kids. This pregnancy was completely unexpected, and honestly, not wanted. I waited to blog about this. I wanted to wait until the shock and complete life meltdown had calmed.

Well. It didn’t calm. As I sat in that doctors office at my 12 week appointment, I saw my baby on the ultrasound screen, I waited to feel something. Anything but anxiety. Nothing. No tears were shed. No happy emotion was felt. I was blank. Then I was angry. I was really counting on seeing the baby to snap me into excitement. I know I cannot be the only person out there to feel this way. So I tried a different approach to help myself become excited. Fake it until you make it, right? There is so much faking it while you’re pregnant. I am regularly on social media, and post cute belly shots, funny pregnancy memes, and keep a very positive attitude about it. Here’s a secret, those are for me, not my Facebook friends. I am really wanting to be excited about a baby. I just can’t seem to get there.

Years ago, I worked at Starbucks. A regular customer came in, noticeably upset. She had just found out she was pregnant. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset. She was married, in her 30s, and a great 8 year old son. Why wasn’t she thrilled about this? I now understand. She was done. Her life was on a different path. Her entire life was going to change. Everything.

I get corrected a lot when I’m honest about it. It’s frustrating. I’m allowed to be upset, even devastated about this. It is life changing. “But you’re such a great mom!” Yes. And I will be a great mom that loves this kid as well. Still upsetting. “Babies are a blessing!” Well. I didn’t want this blessing right now. I was enjoying and content with the blessing of having self sufficient children. “You’re so strong! You got this!” While I know that is supposed to be encouraging, maybe I don’t want to be strong. Maybe just once I was happy to not have to sacrifice every single part of who I am for another person. Even if that person is my kid.

See, as a parent, it’s hard to be honest about the shitty parts of parenting. The assumption is that if you don’t love every part, or find those hardships as cute little roadblocks, you’re less of a parent. This is such a fucking lie. Every parent out there has times they hate it. I love my kids more than anything. But being a parent really does suck sometimes. Especially for a single parent. I am now expected to sacrifice my body for over a year, my hobbies, my social life, and I have to do it alone. No one to tell me I’m pretty. No one to run out and get me craving food. No one to lay holding my tummy, trying to feel kicks. No one to ease my anxiety about having another child. No one to be excited when I’m having days where I feel like I can’t do it. Alone.

I know I chose to keep this baby. I know I will be so happy and joyful watching this amazing kid grow. I know that someday I will read back on this and be glad I’m past it. I also know that right now, carrying this child is a burden. It makes me feel isolated and alone. It makes me angry at the dad. It makes me angry at god. It makes me angry at myself. It makes me bitter and jealous of all those people who’s biggest problem is deciding on the nursery theme. It makes me feel selfish. I have to tell myself no about so much, and this means even more no’s.

So all you out there reading this that have supported me, thank you for the positive words. I really do appreciate it. I really am trying to be happy about it. Please continue the support. It is a wonderful distraction to the reality of the situation.

For those who are feeling the same, it’s ok, I know how much it sucks to have to fake it. To feel like your missing out on all those happy pregnancy moments, because you’re not happy. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or going to be a bad mom. It means you’re human.

Now, I will go back to my positive social media posts, and move forward. I know it will all click at some point. I’ll get there eventually, and I am working on not beating myself up to badly on it taking so long. I’m a pretty impatient person.

Choosing to Look at the Guillotine

I have been reading my girls Les Misérables every night before bed. My middle daughter says it’s boring. My oldest says it’s long and confusing. My youngest couldn’t care less.  I read it anyways. I struggle with all the French words, and stop every paragraph or so and explain what it means. I think it’s good for all of us.

We are still reading about the bishop right now. A few days ago, we read about a man sentenced to death for creating counterfeit money. They explain about the shock of seeing the guillotine. “The guillotine is the law made concrete; it is called the Avenger. It is not neutral and does not permit you to remain neutral. Whoever sees it quakes, mysteriously shaken to the core.” This has sat with me. Many things in life, we have no opinion of, or think we do, but don’t know until the moment we see it in front of us. Then, we cannot remain neutral. You know, the moment it is front of you, where you stand and what you believe.

Abortion. (Oh shit Beth. Don’t make this THIS kind of post. I know, I know.) I have heard the debate on both sides. I know people who have had abortions, and I know others who chose not to (myself included). I would like to share my experience, my views, and my thoughts on it.

I knew I could never have an abortion. I made that decision long before I was faced with an unexpected pregnancy. When I saw those 2 lines on that stick, I chucked it in the trash and collapsed to the ground. I sobbed as my roommate tried to comfort me. How could I have been so stupid? What do I say to the dad? I bet he won’t want to be involved.  How do I tell my family? My parents are going to be so pissed. Do I stay in the Air Force? I mean, I would have healthcare, but I would have to put it in daycare at 6 weeks…and what if I deployed? What will it be like to be a mom? I am good with kids…I wonder if it’s a boy or girl.

My mind raced. So, I walked into the doctors, took the blood test, and waited. Still with tears running down my, now very swollen, face. The doctor walked in with a smile. “Congratulations Mama! It was positive!  You’re going to have a baby!” His overly enthusiastic response caught me off guard. I didn’t know how to respond to that. Why was he so freaking happy about it? I’m NINETEEN. I should be looking forward to keggers, not diapers. Then it hit me. I am growing a baby. Holy shit. I have a little me just floating around in there. I took the paper with the results on it and just stared at it.

Well, anyone that has ever been to Tech school in the AF knows, it took about 3 min before everyone found out. Then, I was faced with something I wasn’t prepared for. The unsolicited advice. “That sucks so much! Did you find a clinic to take care of it?” Or “Well, you better get in soon, the bigger it is, the more expensive.” And a lot of, “Do you need me to drive you?” It was expected that I was going to have an abortion. And when I said I wasn’t, I was told I was making a huge mistake. That I would regret it. It was going to ruin my life. I would never find a guy that wanted to take on a woman with a kid. I was throwing away my youth.

Pause. This was my choice. I chose to have the baby. I considered adoption, but chose to keep her. My choice. Do any of you know how hard it was to stand firm in my choice? I had a few select people that supported me. The rest, felt I was making the wrong choice and we’re unsupportive. I kept thinking, if this is my choice, then why aren’t people supportive either way? Then I realized, that at 19, it wasn’t really a choice for most people. They had never sat and made this decision in advance. It was that thing that “would never happen” to them, so when it did, they were so scared and lost that they just did what was expected. And how can you blame them? I was there. I was faced with it. It is fucking scary as hell. I knew I was alone with this. Our society isn’t set up for my choice, only the other choice. If I had to make that decision without any thought about it before hand, I most likely would have had an abortion. Then I got mad. Why the hell aren’t we set up for both choices? Why is it, that having this child means my “life is over”? Why am I treated as if I should be punished for having this child? I’m not saying I thought someone should do all the hard work of parenting for me, but why are things set up to make it impossible? If I were in college, what would I have done? They don’t  allow babies in the dorms. I doubt there is childcare on campus. Shouldn’t we want to educate and help these mothers? Not make things impossible for them?

Abortion will never be illegal. I want to point something out that I didn’t realize until well into my adulthood. An abortion is aborting the pregnancy, not the fetus. You end the pregnancy, which results in the fetus dying if too young to live outside the womb. It needs to stay legal for the fact that some pregnancies become toxic to the mother and child, and without an early delivery, both would die. So we’re not even going to get into that debate if it should be legal or not. I am 100% opposed to partial birth abortion. That is killing. And I do believe doctors should be obligated to try to help a fetus that is born preterm due to an abortion. Aborting pregnancies should be used in cases of fatal risk to the mothers, and the fetus should be treated medically if possible.

So, Prolifers. Here are words for you, from someone who chose life. Being Prolife is more than just making sure someone pops out a kid. Prolife is supporting that life after it is born. Prolife is saying, I am happy you chose to have this baby, and I know it will be hard, but I want to help you. I want to help you find childcare so you can get a degree and support your child. I want to help you find a family to adopt, because you are not in a place to raise a child. I want to give myself, where I can, so you know you are supported. I want to come help you clean, or watch your baby for an hour so you can take a nap. Would you like someone to go with you to the doctors? What do you need?

Prochoicers. You need to educate yourself. If you have sex, you could be faced with this. You need to research embryonic and fetal development. You need to understand what procedures they use. You need to talk to those who have had, and have chose not to have abortions. You need to know the long term risks of cancer, infertility, and infections. I hear so much, it is just a medical procedure. Ok, then know it. You need to research the long term emotional effects. Then, after you have all the medical info, and you understand what will happen, long and short term, you need to imagine yourself looking at 2 lines on a stick. What would you do? Make that choice. You need to make an educated decision now. Not when your hormones and emotions are flying. Not when your girlfriend comes to you in tears, feeling lost and scared. You need to be able to know, that if that time ever came, you don’t have to feel panic or pressure with your choice.

I am Prolife. I am Prowoman. I am not naive. It is legal, and it is a huge money maker. I feel that instead of focusing on making it illegal, we should be instead focusing on educating woman. I have had MANY friends that felt it wasn’t a choice, and they were trapped. They were ignorant to all of it. They had never thought about it before, and their regret was not knowing what to do before hand. They felt conned and lied to about it. We need to be letting these woman actually have a choice. Face the guillotine face on, and refuse to be neutral. We need to know what we would say if a friend came to us and asked us what to do. We need to stop with the hate and judgment, and work on letting to woman in crisis know, she does have a choice. She doesn’t have to feel like her life is over. That this is just a different path, or a speed bump in life that she has to slow down for. And we need our men to know what woman would have to face. We need them to be able to sit with the woman and be able to have an opinion when asked. To not put the burden on the woman to make this decision alone. We need to just take a small amount of time out of our lives, and just know, so we can carry on with life with at least one of the many “guillotines” that we will face, has been seen, and we are no longer neutral.