Not too long ago I had a conversation with someone about her teenage son. Just normal teenage irritation, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
We get a lot of snow in Michigan. This woman bought a new snowblower right before we had a major lake effect snow day. Her son, very eager to use this new machine, offered to clear the driveway. She told him no. She wanted to look at it first. She had a friend coming over to show her how to use it, and he could show her son too.
Her son lost it. Full 17 year old temper tantrum. He felt that he could figure it out and should be allowed to. She maintained her no. More huffing and puffing and swearing about it.
She called her friend and they decided to wait on him coming over since her son was throwing a fit all around the house. Her friend told her that was best. But she needed to realize that even though she’s not wrong to say no, on the guy side of it, her son probably felt emasculated.
She carried on with her reasoning. It’s a expensive piece of equipment and she doesn’t want it to end up broken. She wants to make sure she got the right one. It’s her home and she is allowed to say no. And so on.
I finally told her, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. While it’s nice to give a reason, it really comes down to, she owns it. She gets to decide how and when it’s used. She can decide to put the snowblower on her roof for decoration if she wants. As the owner of the house and the snowblower, she gets to make those calls. He felt emasculated? Who effing cares. Since when does a 17 year old boy’s fragile ego take priority over his parent’s very direct “no”?
That’s the thing. We live in a world where it does. Woman, very often, have to cater to grown men’s fragile egos on a daily basis. Like, constantly. In the home, in the workplace, in social situations, everywhere we go we have to worry about threatening men’s masculinity.
He threw a fit over a no. He threw himself around the house yelling and making his anger know. Because a woman told him no to something he wanted to do. Has he been told no before? Absolutely. Will he be told no again? Absolutely.
I reassured her that not only did she do the right thing by cancelling, but it was imperative that she stuck with it. Her son will be told no at college parties. He will be told no by professors. He will be told know by bosses. He will be told no. And some will be woman.
What will he do when he has a “great idea” at work, and his female boss cuts him of and tells him she doesn’t care. Will he just do as asked? Or will he throw a fit because “if she would just listen to his idea…”
What will happen when he’s out at a party and flirting with a girl and he wants her to come with him and she says no? Will be be respectful? Or will he corner or force her?
I do not give an eff about your manliness. I care about the females that have to work with you. I care about your female boss who can’t get you to do your job the way she asks without question. I care about the young women you meet at a party or the ones that decide to date you. I care about your future wife and daughters.
This mom didn’t need me to tell her all that. She had already given the no and stuck by it. But I wanted her to hear out loud what every woman knows internally. That it is imperative for woman in authoritative roles to stand strong when males push back in anger. I wanted to reassure her. I wanted her to know that her decision wasn’t hurting her son’s manhood, and was exactly what he needed.
We need to have these conversations. We need to talk to other women. We need to call it out to men when we see it. Their need for having a protected masculinity is a myth used to keep women in a position of inferiority.
You’re fragile ego is not more important than my right to say no. If a female gives you a no and it makes you angry, you are suffering from toxic masculinity and I recommend you see a therapist to discuss what steps you need to take to fix this defect of entitlement that is plaguing you.
thatbethy 