Tag: self control

Moving Forward

I have had friends that have struggled with addiction and/alcoholism through the years. And since I know it’s a disease, I stand by them. What do you need? You got this! I’m here for you! It always seemed so completely heartless when someone they loved abandoned them. How could they not be there for them in their time of need? Don’t they see they are trying to be well? Then, I was that loved one.

I once dated someone who was a recovering alcoholic. I met him after his rock bottom. I met him into his walk of sobriety. He told me about when he came back after getting sober. His wife had a function planned, and they were serving wine. He served wine. I was shocked at the insensitivity she had. Why wouldn’t she cancel the function? Why would she let there be alcohol there when she KNEW he was trying to be sober?

Why? Because she had years but having to cancel things or put her life on hold. Because he’s lied about his drinking before and this was just one more time he was going to disrupt her world. Because the rest of the world didn’t see what she had to live with, day after day, so this wasn’t anything new. She was tired. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care. He had siphoned all of the worry and care out of her for years and years. She just wanted to live life. She didn’t trust or believe him. She was done.

Did he need support? Absolutely. And he found in friends and family. And I’m sure she’s glad he did. He’s doing well. She’s doing well.

When alcoholism hit my family, I started going to a support group. The first thing they told me was to detach with love. Let go of control. I read the following, “today, if I am tempted to interfere what’s something that is none of my business, I can turn my attention instead to some way in which I can take care of myself.”

I disagreed with them. I am not controlling. In fact, I am pretty out of control most of the time. Detach with love? But he needs me! Now seems like the WORST time to detach! They told me that he needed to be in control of his sobriety. Not me. I had to let go. I could support and love, but I needed to stop doing things for him.

The next day I started to get his stuff together and thought, no, he needs to. It’s just paper work. He can grab it himself. Then later I went to text him to ask if he made his appointment…no. He needs to. Then I googled local AA meetings…no. he needs to do it. Oh my gosh. Beth. STOP.

I looked at the bills I had organized, the budget I made for him. I looked at the cleaning supplies I got to bring to his house to clean with. I realized that I am his enabler. I just keep bailing him out. He needs to do it. But how? How do you look at someone you love and just step aside? When you know they won’t do it themselves, and you want to help?

“If they don’t want to be well, they won’t be. And there’s no amount of ‘doing it for them’ that will bring them there.” Ouch.

So I read up on codependency. I was the victim role. Always the victim of my alcoholic. And if I wanted any chance at all of us being healthy, I had to stop putting myself in positions that made me the victim. So, I tried to detach with love. I tried to be supportive and ask about his journey. And I waited or the deep talks and healing to begin. I was ready to work on me while he worked on himself.

What I wasn’t ready for was the backlash that came. If I asked about his sobriety, his house, his family, I was immediately met with anger and rage. Accusations of me being on drugs. Reminders of how I abandoned him. Screaming and cussing at me. And my response, to give it right back. That was our cycle: attack, defend, yell, repeat. It was way harder than I anticipated. I can be pretty mean. I know the low blows. And all the years of working on me, went out the door every time we had an arguement. I could feel the toxicity seeping out of me. I hate that side of me.

There was one day I went out to help with yard work. I immediately felt the impulse to “look for evidence”. Just like I had done years before. I didn’t trust he was sober. So I started looking around. Then I stopped. Is this what I want? To always feel like I need to check the hiding spots to “catch” him? No. I can’t. I don’t have the energy. He lies. A lot. He sneaks. A lot. As do most alcoholics. And I can’t “snoop” my way into trust. This is something he has to do. I am not a victim of him. He is a victim of his addiction.

So I stopped asking. I stopped responding with anything more than a “that’s too bad” or “I’m happy for you”. Slowly I started noticing being treated differently by him. And things dissolved.

It’s not about love. It’s not about not wanting someone well. It’s about awareness of your own part in toxicity and not participating. If you see someone working on sobriety or being clean, BE THERE FOR THEM. I can’t stress that enough. They need their family and friends. But just know, that person that “abandoned” them? They had to walk away. Because they were probably in a place where neither could heal with the other there. Every week I share with my therapist something I wanted to say and didn’t. Or something I shouldn’t have said, but did. I talk through why I wanted to say it, and why I didn’t. I feel like a toddler learning to walk. A bit wobbly. And when I fall, I stand back up.

Hi. I am Beth. And I’m a toxic person.

One of my favorite things that social media and technology has brought to my generation is its ability to help us cope, understand, and process dysfunction and toxicity that is in our lives. I see it all the time. People in my age group properly able to identify unhealthy behavior in themselves and in others. That doesn’t mean they necessarily know how to deal with it, but they can identify it. Which is a huge step.

A few weeks back I had a friend say to me, “I feel like I’m gaslighting them! I didn’t even realize I was doing it. They deserve better than that.” My friend was 100% serious and concerned about it. The self awareness this person has in their 30s is astounding to me. They are toxic. They know they are. And they are able to zero in on exactly what they are doing that is dysfunctional, and even tell me why they think they are like this. 

I am a toxic person. I have the potential to suck out all the life of a person. I can manipulate. I can read people and very quickly know what they are insecure about. I can sense vulnerability and dysfunction like a freaking superpower. I can also tell when a person is emotionally healthy. I can feel boundaries that are set (or not set) almost immediately after meeting someone. My comfort zone is filled with toxic interactions and unhealthy behaviors. 

I sound like a gem, eh? Well, I think I am. Not because that stuff doesn’t matter. Because I fight that stuff EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Ask anyone who knew me in my 20s. Talk to my exes. I was not a bad person. But I was broken. The adult I was trying to be was not one on a healthy path. It was one who used white lies, cheated, and manipulated to get my way. I didn’t want to be like that. I did not like seeing the ones I loved hurt by me. 

I started seeing a therapist. I started making a conscious effort. I had to learn how to purge the toxicity from my interactions. It sucked. It was hard. No…not was. It is hard. I find when I’m with other people working on themselves, or people that are emotionally stable, it is easy. I can relax and just be. But the moment someone with dysfunction enters my life, I want to retreat to my ever so toxic comfort zone. I can feel it. I can hear it in what I say. I leave feeling angry at myself. Ashamed. 

I like to cut people in their 20s some slack. That decade is such a shit hole anyways. Add in having to process through childhood/adolescence and you’re left with some pretty lost adults who are trying to sort through 2 decades of preparation for adulthood. It’s exhausting and can be overwhelming. But once you’re in your 30s, get your shit together. You have had over a decade of making your own choices. At this point, your life is what you have made it. Acknowledge what you’ve been through and grow. 

I am a toxic person. I have to know this always. I have to understand and be compassionate to those who distance themselves from me. I have to work 10x as hard to make sure I keep my toxicity from my children. I need to make sure my children find dysfunction uncomfortable and wrong. I have to make sure I guard myself from others who take me by the hand and try to lead me down to that place I’ve escaped from. I need to acknowledge what brought me to this point, but not dwell on it, blame does not add to my growth. I need to know that when I do slip up, I tell whoever I hurt I was wrong and they deserve better. 

If you are a toxic person, you are not a bad person. Every day, every interaction, you have a choice to do better, to be better. Find a therapist. (I know I know, therapist shopping is the WORST. But don’t settle for one that isn’t helping you.) Start working on rewiring yourself. Your life will be happier. Your relationships will be better. You will thrive. 

Your Shame is a Good Thing

Growing up, my mom had a lot of “catch phrases” we would hear on a regular basis. “Don’t pet an elephant and expect it to purr”, she would say if you were upset at how someone reacted differently than you would. “Do you have to burn all ten fingers before you know the stove is hot?” She would ask if you repeatedly made the same mistakes. She had one for almost every conversation. Which, for this girl, painted a very detailed picture of what she was saying. Of course, as a teenager, it was met with eye rolls and irritation. I mean come on. MY life was something special, and those broad brushed statements didn’t apply. (Yeah yeah. You’re unique. Just like everyone else.)

One of these gems I very quickly dismissed, or even possibly blamed for some life long scarring, was: “I don’t care about your self-esteem.” Not as witty as the other ones, and even sounds a bit harsh. So let me explain the original conversation that she would be referring to. She told us, “I don’t want you to have high self-esteem. You know who has the highest self-esteem? Inmates. They think pretty high of themselves. So high, they think they’re above the law. You should have self-confidence. Be confident in your self. But never think so highly of yourself that you think you are above another person or a rule.” That is paraphrased, but you get the idea.

Quick! Time to shift gears. Back to present day. I have been working at Benton Harbor public schools for the last few months. The program I work for is awesome. I meet with the kids once a week (a second grade class and a third grade class). We work on writing, listening to stories, acting them out, and discuss what we learn from them. I love it. That being said, these kids can be little shits. Anyone who has ever worked in an intercity public school knows, this is probably the nicest way I can put it. (Quick shout out to all the teachers out there. You are saints.)

My lesson plan last week for my third graders had “shame/humiliation” as the focus. So my mind starts going through all the ways this could play out with the kids. In the hopes of trying to avoid these kids going down the rabbit hole of anger about personal embarrassment, I decided to take it a different direction. I started with the Grammys.

“Anyone here know what the Grammys are? Do you know who Beck is?”

Nothing.

“Do you know who Kanye West is?”
-Oooh! Ooh! I know I know! I heard about that!

“Well, let me tell you a little about it. In case you don’t know what happened. There is a musician named Beck. Most of you don’t know who he is. He was very well known in the 90s. He has won many awards. He still plays and performs. He LOVES music. He won at the Grammys. Now, we all know Kanye and Beyonce. They are also amazing musicians. Well, Kanye got on stage while Beck was giving his “thank you’s”. Everyone thought he was just being silly, since he’s done it before. Until after….when he started saying mean things about Beck. He wanted Beck to give his award to Beyonce. He said Beck didn’t deserve it…. So, how do you think Beck felt after he heard what Kanye said?

-Sad! Mad! Embarrassed!

“Ah. Embarrassed. Do you think he should feel embarrassed? I mean, he won best album. He IS an amazing musician. Who cares what Kanye thinks?”

-Cuz he was happy and stuff and then Kanye tried to make him think he shouldn’t.
-Cuz he got interrupted on stage
-Cuz people like Beyonce more.

“Do they? He won not Beyonce. Record sales would say they do, so maybe people do like her more. Now imagine being Beck, and someone taking your moment from you…You get on stage, all surprised and excited. Even YOU thought Beyonce was going to win. But it was YOU! Your album that you worked so hard on, just WON….. That was pretty mean of Kanye wasn’t it. Now how do you think Beyonce felt? Besides disappointed after losing. How do you think she felt after Kanye did what he did?”

-I bet she felt bad for that guy.
-She probably told Kanye that wasn’t nice.
-I bet she was embarrassed for him.

“Again. Embarrassed. I bet Beyonce felt a bit embarrassed that first, she didn’t win, and THEN, Kanye had to bring all that attention to it. So here is Kanye West. Decides to get up and try to take away from something someone earned. And then, embarrass a friend of his, who was probably already feeling disappointed. Do you think Kanye felt embarrassed?

-umm…maybe?
-he should
-I bet he did later.

“I don’t think he did. Based on how he’s acted in the past, I bet he feels he did nothing wrong. You guys, sometimes we SHOULD feel ashamed of ourselves. Sometimes we SHOULD feel embarrassed. When you start acting and living as if only your feelings matter, you will hurt other people.”

I explained my moms views on self-esteem. I told the kids I have see them act just like Kanye. When I choose someone else to read, you are allowed to feel disappointed. But you do NOT throw a fit. Do not take away from one of your peers moments. We learn self control, and hope for our chance to shine the next time. If we do not feel shame or embarrassment of our actions when they are out of line, we need to ask ourselves why. Why do we feel OUR opinion is somehow more important than someone elses? Why do we feel OUR actions are justified when they hurt someone else?

Do I think these kids understood what I was saying? Probably not. Do I think any of them will take this to heart? Who knows. Most were fiddling around or talking. The first child I chose to read was met with “uhhh. That’s not fair! I want to read! Why do they get to?” I stopped the class and said, “listen to yourselves! How do you think they feel right now? Would you want to get in front of a class and read if that’s what people were saying when you got up? How about feeling happy for them? Letting them be excited for their moment to share?” After I chose the next reader, the teacher and I exchanged looks in response to the kids sighs and comments. I’m not sure this lesson stuck with them.

Parents. Your kid is NOT that great. Yes, to you they are, but to the outside world, they are just another person. They are not superior to other humans. If they excel in something, they need to earn that recognition themselves. Quit with the self-esteem. Your child should feel sad, embarrassed, disappointed, and even unseen. It helps them form desire for improvement. Humbles them when facing someone who is better. Teaches them self control over their feelings. And above all, gives them more joy and happiness during success they earned. Teach your child to be confident. To love themselves, but teach them to understand other people have gifts, talents, and will surpass them at times. And that’s ok. Otherwise, you are raising another Kanye. Who will throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want, and lack the ability to understand exactly what is wrong with their actions.