Tag: shame

Beggars can’t be…at Gymnastics 

I am poor. I just spent a ridiculous amount of time looking up Michigan’s average costs for bills. It has been confirmed. Poor. I know, we’re not supposed to talk about money. But today, my financial state was brought to light in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know. It embarrassed me, so I decided to blog about it.  

I know what you’re thinking. “Duh, Beth. You’re a single mother of 4. Of course money is tight.” No. Money isnt tight. Money isnt there. See, I learned something today as I sat there looking at numbers and averages. My income allows for no extras. At all. Zero. Zilch. 

I have said no to almost everything for over 7 years now. No internet. No TV. No extracurricular activities for the kids. No vacations. I have done this with the belief that if I work hard, if I keep sacrificing, I will get ahead. I will be able to give my kids a house, a car with A/C, a garden, sports equipment, etc. Maybe not a vacation, but at least a full fridge. Maybe not college tuition, but new shoes. I have a more realistic goal now: I want to choose to say no, not be forced to. 

It is impossible to obtain this dream with one income. I did the math. My income will never allow for a yes. I have to turn to others for help. There is a family that loves us and has decided to give my kids some of those things I cannot. They pay for guitar, gymnastics, or whatever, so my kids can have some memories of joy. So they can do those things other kids get to do. 

My 7 year old is in gymnastics and loves it. Today was her long awaited recital. She has been talking about it for WEEKS. I rushed her in, pulled her hair into a ponytail, sent her to her group and turned to the desk. Shit. This was not a free event. 

“Oh. I didn’t realize I had to buy tickets….How much are they?” I asked as the panic set in. 

“$12.00”,  the lady behind the desk said. 

“Oh. That’s a lot…I can’t afford that. I have 2 more kids coming in too. I…I didn’t bring any cash.” I said, trying to salvage my pride. 

“We can just add it to your account if you’d like. It will come out in your next payment.”

“I can’t do that. I don’t pay. My friend. I have a friend that pays for me. For her I mean. I mean. I just. I have 4 kids. I’m a single mother of 4…I can’t afford it. I didn’t know it cost anything to watch her. We can just wait for her here in the lobby.”

“Let me check when she goes on….it looks like she’s in the 4th group. You won’t have to wait for too long.”

I choked back tears as my older 2 children walked in. I told them that I didn’t have enough money. I told them to take my phone into the car with them. That they could watch videos while I waited for her to finish. They left and the tears started. I walked to the corner and pretended to look at the leotards hung on the wall while holding my 1 year old. I was so embarrassed. I felt like a failure. My poor daughter. She would be looking for me. She wouldn’t see me. Her heart would be broken. 

After 10 minutes of shame, the lady at the desk said, “I guess I can allow you to go in without paying.” She made it very clear she was doing me a favor.

I said thank you and rushed in, just as my step mom was coming out to find me. I told her what had happened, and couldn’t control the crack in my voice. I told her, I couldn’t afford it and they embarrassed me, but eventually let me in. I told her I was angry it cost money to see my daughter’s recital, and I was mad at myself for missing it on the note. Then, I smiled at my son, and pointed to the balloons he was reaching for. *breathe*

I did the math. I’m poor. I didn’t need to do math to know that. The lady at the desk let me stew in my poverty for 10 minutes. I am poor. I had to ask my step mom if she knew if the ice cream from announcement was free for the gymnasts, or if it was just them advertising it. Because I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t wait in line with my daughter, only to find out I didn’t have enough money for it. I am poor. I was made very away of my financial situation. But I still did the math. 

I divided a household budget into 3 parts. You’re Poor, You’re Maintaining, and You’ve Made It. 

YP: Rent, utilities (electric, gas, water, sewer, trash), cell phone, food, and car maintenance (gas, oil change, registration, insurance) $2,870

YM: YP stuff, Heathcare/medical, internet, TV, pets, clothes, entertainment, car payment, Christmas. $4,570 

YMI: YP stuff, YM stuff, life insurance, family vacation, retirement. $5,500+

A single parent needs to make over $22 an hour to be able to be considered poor. They would need to make $35 per hour to maintain a comfortable life. And to actually make it in life? $43 per hour. 

This does not count daycare. This doesn’t count sports. It doesn’t count field trips. It doesn’t count life changes, like a death or pregnancy. It doesn’t count your car breaking down. It doesn’t count winter gear for kids. Or back to school supplies. It doesn’t count saving to buy a house. It doesn’t could student loans. It doesn’t count overdrafts. It leaves no room for any change or mistake. 

I make much less than $2870 a month. But, I found a place for cheaper than the average rent and I don’t buy as many groceries. Also, I neglect my car maintenance. I am so far away from the YM group, it’s laughable. I will not own my own house. I will not be able to afford the internet or TV. I will never be able to take my kids in a family vacation or save for my retirement. This is my life. This is my reality. 

We’re not supposed to talk about money. But today, I was made to feel like dirt. Today, I was reminded that poor kids don’t get to have their mothers with them. Today I was reminded that no matter how strong I feel, no matter how much I love my kids, I will not be able to give them the life I want to give. Today I was reminded, that money is power, and that not having $12 made me powerless. 

I do not want your pity. I do not want you to treat me as a victim. I maintain that i am a strong mother who loves her kids and will do anything for them. What I want is understanding and awareness. If you are at the desk at an event, and a single parent can’t go in because of $12, let them in the effing event. And you are not morally obligated to make sure they know they are an inconvenience to you. Trust me. They know. They are ashamed. They feel the eyes watching them. They don’t need your help. They are embarrassed. They will cry to themselves about it later. So please, just be kind. Me watching my daughter didn’t cost them anything. They lost nothing by letting me in. But the way I was treated ruined my entire day. It showed my daughter’s that their mother was at the mercy of a lady behind a computer. And it made the pit in my stomach, the one I had almost completely removed, come back. 

So now, I will put on a movie, make some popcorn, sit with my kids, and enjoy my night. Even if I am poor. 

Your Shame is a Good Thing

Growing up, my mom had a lot of “catch phrases” we would hear on a regular basis. “Don’t pet an elephant and expect it to purr”, she would say if you were upset at how someone reacted differently than you would. “Do you have to burn all ten fingers before you know the stove is hot?” She would ask if you repeatedly made the same mistakes. She had one for almost every conversation. Which, for this girl, painted a very detailed picture of what she was saying. Of course, as a teenager, it was met with eye rolls and irritation. I mean come on. MY life was something special, and those broad brushed statements didn’t apply. (Yeah yeah. You’re unique. Just like everyone else.)

One of these gems I very quickly dismissed, or even possibly blamed for some life long scarring, was: “I don’t care about your self-esteem.” Not as witty as the other ones, and even sounds a bit harsh. So let me explain the original conversation that she would be referring to. She told us, “I don’t want you to have high self-esteem. You know who has the highest self-esteem? Inmates. They think pretty high of themselves. So high, they think they’re above the law. You should have self-confidence. Be confident in your self. But never think so highly of yourself that you think you are above another person or a rule.” That is paraphrased, but you get the idea.

Quick! Time to shift gears. Back to present day. I have been working at Benton Harbor public schools for the last few months. The program I work for is awesome. I meet with the kids once a week (a second grade class and a third grade class). We work on writing, listening to stories, acting them out, and discuss what we learn from them. I love it. That being said, these kids can be little shits. Anyone who has ever worked in an intercity public school knows, this is probably the nicest way I can put it. (Quick shout out to all the teachers out there. You are saints.)

My lesson plan last week for my third graders had “shame/humiliation” as the focus. So my mind starts going through all the ways this could play out with the kids. In the hopes of trying to avoid these kids going down the rabbit hole of anger about personal embarrassment, I decided to take it a different direction. I started with the Grammys.

“Anyone here know what the Grammys are? Do you know who Beck is?”

Nothing.

“Do you know who Kanye West is?”
-Oooh! Ooh! I know I know! I heard about that!

“Well, let me tell you a little about it. In case you don’t know what happened. There is a musician named Beck. Most of you don’t know who he is. He was very well known in the 90s. He has won many awards. He still plays and performs. He LOVES music. He won at the Grammys. Now, we all know Kanye and Beyonce. They are also amazing musicians. Well, Kanye got on stage while Beck was giving his “thank you’s”. Everyone thought he was just being silly, since he’s done it before. Until after….when he started saying mean things about Beck. He wanted Beck to give his award to Beyonce. He said Beck didn’t deserve it…. So, how do you think Beck felt after he heard what Kanye said?

-Sad! Mad! Embarrassed!

“Ah. Embarrassed. Do you think he should feel embarrassed? I mean, he won best album. He IS an amazing musician. Who cares what Kanye thinks?”

-Cuz he was happy and stuff and then Kanye tried to make him think he shouldn’t.
-Cuz he got interrupted on stage
-Cuz people like Beyonce more.

“Do they? He won not Beyonce. Record sales would say they do, so maybe people do like her more. Now imagine being Beck, and someone taking your moment from you…You get on stage, all surprised and excited. Even YOU thought Beyonce was going to win. But it was YOU! Your album that you worked so hard on, just WON….. That was pretty mean of Kanye wasn’t it. Now how do you think Beyonce felt? Besides disappointed after losing. How do you think she felt after Kanye did what he did?”

-I bet she felt bad for that guy.
-She probably told Kanye that wasn’t nice.
-I bet she was embarrassed for him.

“Again. Embarrassed. I bet Beyonce felt a bit embarrassed that first, she didn’t win, and THEN, Kanye had to bring all that attention to it. So here is Kanye West. Decides to get up and try to take away from something someone earned. And then, embarrass a friend of his, who was probably already feeling disappointed. Do you think Kanye felt embarrassed?

-umm…maybe?
-he should
-I bet he did later.

“I don’t think he did. Based on how he’s acted in the past, I bet he feels he did nothing wrong. You guys, sometimes we SHOULD feel ashamed of ourselves. Sometimes we SHOULD feel embarrassed. When you start acting and living as if only your feelings matter, you will hurt other people.”

I explained my moms views on self-esteem. I told the kids I have see them act just like Kanye. When I choose someone else to read, you are allowed to feel disappointed. But you do NOT throw a fit. Do not take away from one of your peers moments. We learn self control, and hope for our chance to shine the next time. If we do not feel shame or embarrassment of our actions when they are out of line, we need to ask ourselves why. Why do we feel OUR opinion is somehow more important than someone elses? Why do we feel OUR actions are justified when they hurt someone else?

Do I think these kids understood what I was saying? Probably not. Do I think any of them will take this to heart? Who knows. Most were fiddling around or talking. The first child I chose to read was met with “uhhh. That’s not fair! I want to read! Why do they get to?” I stopped the class and said, “listen to yourselves! How do you think they feel right now? Would you want to get in front of a class and read if that’s what people were saying when you got up? How about feeling happy for them? Letting them be excited for their moment to share?” After I chose the next reader, the teacher and I exchanged looks in response to the kids sighs and comments. I’m not sure this lesson stuck with them.

Parents. Your kid is NOT that great. Yes, to you they are, but to the outside world, they are just another person. They are not superior to other humans. If they excel in something, they need to earn that recognition themselves. Quit with the self-esteem. Your child should feel sad, embarrassed, disappointed, and even unseen. It helps them form desire for improvement. Humbles them when facing someone who is better. Teaches them self control over their feelings. And above all, gives them more joy and happiness during success they earned. Teach your child to be confident. To love themselves, but teach them to understand other people have gifts, talents, and will surpass them at times. And that’s ok. Otherwise, you are raising another Kanye. Who will throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want, and lack the ability to understand exactly what is wrong with their actions.