Tag: thoughts

Universally appalling topics should be unifying

I remember years ago asking, “what happened to Ashton Kutcher? Like, he was in SO MUCH stuff, and then just kind of disappeared. And someone told me, “well, he started working against child sex trafficking. So who in Hollywood is going to hire him?”

He and Demi started Thorn in 2012. I remember watching, and crying, to the video of him testifying to the Senate years later, and thinking “yeah right. Those politicians aren’t going to do anything. I bet they’re part of all that shit”.

I remember thinking Cory Feldman was crazy and it was his years of drug abuse that made him a nut ball. And then I read an interview about the Hollywood child sex ring. This poor man has been screaming and begging for help for decades. And no one listened.

I see posts about it all up and down my newsfeed about child trafficking. Which, I’m glad to see people wanting the truth exposed and an end to it. Amazing. Exactly what needs to happen. Shedding light on this topic is how we end it. But something about some of the posts I’ve seen has been not been sitting right with me. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is.

It’s because, while I was asking if people thought Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell’s deaths were because of exposing child abuse, people laughed at me and called me a conspiracy theorist. It’s because when I stood with #metoo, people rolled their eyes and said the movement was just people feeling “triggered”. Because when I brought up the rape allegations of Trump in 2016, people laughed and told me told me they were just lies. It because I asked why there were kids in cages, and how our government could LOSE thousands of children, people ignored, downplayed, or redirected the subject. And now? There are a bunch of people that keep bringing up this horrid thing as A COMPARISON OF horrific things, to dismiss BLM and Covid19.

I want every single pedophile found out. All of them. Every politician. Every star. Every single person who has hurt a child. ALL OF THEM. I am thankful for every victim that has come forward. For every star willing to sacrifice their careers to fight against it. So what about these memes is sitting with me wrong? It is sitting with me wrong because people are attaching a political agenda to their memes and posts.

I am glad you all are appalled about child trafficking. Because we need people to be appalled. We need people to fight for justice for every child that has been hurt. But if you are using all of this as a way to downplay another issue, then you’re USING it, not HELPING it.

If your meme says anything like, “people are talking about *insert topic* while there’s a child sex ring going on. But that’s none of my business” or whatever, you stop that shit. Yes it’s great you are now learning about stuff. But quit using false equivalence to push whatever agenda you’re pushing. You can be appalled about many topics at once.

Pedophiles are evil. We all agree on that. So quit attaching something we ALL AGREE needs to be exposed and fixed, to something unrelated. If your post is about downplaying a topic, and not about promoting the stop of trafficking, then it’s divisive and it’s distracting from the the problem we all want solved.

Stop that shit. I have spent the better part of a decade standing against this. And I’m sick of people using it to create division. This should be the most unifying thing we ever stand against.

Selfishness Would be an Improvement

I have written about poverty before. I have touched on many aspects of it. With elections looming over us, I feel compelled to talk about healthcare.

Healthcare. What an odd word/topic to provoke such defensive emotions. You say healthcare, and half the people grab their mental picketing signs, reading “healthcare for all” and the other half grab their mental pitchforks and torches, chanting “down with socialism!” Healthcare guys. The argument that has people in an upheaval is whether or not people deserve healthcare. And the oddest part is, every single person I’ve ever talked to about it, agrees our healthcare system is broken. Every. Single. Person. We all agree on that.

It’s no secret my stance is, healthcare for all. So, like every topic that brings about disagreement, I listen to the other side and try to understand the why. Why are people against it? Why are people so dead set against equality in healthcare? I used to be a conservative Republican. So I search my old arsenal of debates from years ago. I read the posts by my conservative friends.

“I have to pay $____. How is that fair people that don’t work hard get it for free?”

“Socialism is communism for slow learners”

“If you reward those who don’t work for things, they will become dependent”

“If you want healthcare, work hard like the rest of us and buy it yourself. I shouldn’t have to pay for your laziness”

“Where are we going to get the money for it?”

“You shouldn’t let the government have control of your healthcare”

“Other countries who have universal healthcare are shitholes and the wait times/care is horrible”

So I’ve been thinking about all the reasons not to have universal healthcare. Some of the reasons given are just ignorant. It has been proven that universal healthcare would be cheaper than what we have now. It has been proven that other countries have less wait times and better care. We all know that we have many socialist programs already, and that socialism is not communism. So what are we left with. We are left with the fear of things being unfair, and lazy people taking advantage.

I hate the “it’s not fair!” arguement. I have to hear that shit all day long with my kids, so you would think a bunch of adults would have figured this out by now. But, fine. I’ll bite.

I am going to tell you something I tell my kids all the time. Fair doesn’t always mean same. I once worked at a grocery store with a guy who did not have function of this left arm. Due to this, he was only scheduled on lanes where his right arm could grab the groceries. Was that fair that the rest of us got put wherever, while he got first pick of the lanes? YES. It was fair. Not the same, but definitely fair. Sometimes people need things others don’t to be able to start at the same level. My daughter listens to audiobooks because reading words alone leaves her not able to comprehend what she read. Is it fair that I spend time and money on audio learning when I didn’t with my others? YES IT IS. Because she has a need they didn’t.

So don’t start that unfair bullshit. Some people have heart conditions. Some people have diabetes. Some people have absolutely not underlying medical issues. The amount of access isn’t what we should be measuring for “fairness”. The fairness meter should be measuring how our fellow Americans are left after care. And if they are left with not being cared for, long term (avoidable) issues due to medical neglect, bankrupt or barely able to afford care, etc, then THAT’S not “fair”.

As for the laziness part. Man. This is it. This is what it all comes down to. Conservatives don’t want a bunch of poor, lazy, freeloaders having access to stuff they pay for through taxes. All the other reasons are extensions of this one thing. They don’t want to pay for the poor, because the poor can’t/won’t pay them back in any way.

I hear all the time that this administration, and it’s supporters, are selfish. And I believed that too for a long time. But the thing that kept nagging at my brain was, if they were ACTUALLY selfish, wouldn’t they want people well? Wouldn’t they want to make sure that they were not put in danger of sickness due to the the poor? Wouldn’t they want to save money through universal healthcare? They are not selfish. They are punitive. They want the poor to suffer because they believe it is deserved. The value of life does not extend to those who don’t contribute.

I have spoke about this before. So many don’t want to believe that poverty happens to people that don’t deserve it. They cling to this belief that poverty is something that happens to the lazy. To degenerates. To sinners. Because, if they admitted that poverty happens to hard workers, to the disabled, to good people, they would also have to admit they sat by and let people suffer for no reason except their own superiority complex. They HAVE to believe that the suffering of the poor is “tough love”. That the only way to “teach” the poor to not be poor, is to make it hard on them, lest they will continue to need stuff and never learn to not be poor.

What is that shit? They don’t want people over using healthcare. Like it’s some kind of secret wealth that the poor will hoard. “They will become dependent” GOOD. For goodness sake. The poor have enough obstacles in life, let them know that they can get a freaking antibiotic for their sinus infection on a whim. Let them get that rash looked at before it spreads to their face. Let them get their tooth fixed before it needs to be pulled out. LET THEM. We already know it will be cheaper than what we have set up now. Why are you so dead set on letting peoples bodies fall apart? Why do people need to suffer for years for things they could have treatment for? Why? Because the poor are not seen as equal. Because the poor DESERVE their suffering.

I wish it was just selfishness. I wish that we didn’t have so many hateful, self righteous people spewing misinformation to keep the weakest in our country in the chains of poverty. I wish the outrage for someone “using” healthcare on their dime, was instead directed at the companies profiting off of the sick and dying. Healthcare shouldn’t be a word that is dividing us. Healthcare should be a unifying word that every single one of us stands together on. Healthcare should not be political. Every person that wants to deny someone medical treatment due to their financial status is a disgusting, classist, cancer of our society. Do not tell me you are Christian. Do not tell me you care about people. Do not tell me you are for equal rights. Do not tell me anything. If you are fighting against the simplest, most obtainable way to help the weak in our society, you do not care about people. You care about justifying your oppressive, superiority complex in the name of a distorted view of “fairness”.

Moving Forward

I have had friends that have struggled with addiction and/alcoholism through the years. And since I know it’s a disease, I stand by them. What do you need? You got this! I’m here for you! It always seemed so completely heartless when someone they loved abandoned them. How could they not be there for them in their time of need? Don’t they see they are trying to be well? Then, I was that loved one.

I once dated someone who was a recovering alcoholic. I met him after his rock bottom. I met him into his walk of sobriety. He told me about when he came back after getting sober. His wife had a function planned, and they were serving wine. He served wine. I was shocked at the insensitivity she had. Why wouldn’t she cancel the function? Why would she let there be alcohol there when she KNEW he was trying to be sober?

Why? Because she had years but having to cancel things or put her life on hold. Because he’s lied about his drinking before and this was just one more time he was going to disrupt her world. Because the rest of the world didn’t see what she had to live with, day after day, so this wasn’t anything new. She was tired. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care. He had siphoned all of the worry and care out of her for years and years. She just wanted to live life. She didn’t trust or believe him. She was done.

Did he need support? Absolutely. And he found in friends and family. And I’m sure she’s glad he did. He’s doing well. She’s doing well.

When alcoholism hit my family, I started going to a support group. The first thing they told me was to detach with love. Let go of control. I read the following, “today, if I am tempted to interfere what’s something that is none of my business, I can turn my attention instead to some way in which I can take care of myself.”

I disagreed with them. I am not controlling. In fact, I am pretty out of control most of the time. Detach with love? But he needs me! Now seems like the WORST time to detach! They told me that he needed to be in control of his sobriety. Not me. I had to let go. I could support and love, but I needed to stop doing things for him.

The next day I started to get his stuff together and thought, no, he needs to. It’s just paper work. He can grab it himself. Then later I went to text him to ask if he made his appointment…no. He needs to. Then I googled local AA meetings…no. he needs to do it. Oh my gosh. Beth. STOP.

I looked at the bills I had organized, the budget I made for him. I looked at the cleaning supplies I got to bring to his house to clean with. I realized that I am his enabler. I just keep bailing him out. He needs to do it. But how? How do you look at someone you love and just step aside? When you know they won’t do it themselves, and you want to help?

“If they don’t want to be well, they won’t be. And there’s no amount of ‘doing it for them’ that will bring them there.” Ouch.

So I read up on codependency. I was the victim role. Always the victim of my alcoholic. And if I wanted any chance at all of us being healthy, I had to stop putting myself in positions that made me the victim. So, I tried to detach with love. I tried to be supportive and ask about his journey. And I waited or the deep talks and healing to begin. I was ready to work on me while he worked on himself.

What I wasn’t ready for was the backlash that came. If I asked about his sobriety, his house, his family, I was immediately met with anger and rage. Accusations of me being on drugs. Reminders of how I abandoned him. Screaming and cussing at me. And my response, to give it right back. That was our cycle: attack, defend, yell, repeat. It was way harder than I anticipated. I can be pretty mean. I know the low blows. And all the years of working on me, went out the door every time we had an arguement. I could feel the toxicity seeping out of me. I hate that side of me.

There was one day I went out to help with yard work. I immediately felt the impulse to “look for evidence”. Just like I had done years before. I didn’t trust he was sober. So I started looking around. Then I stopped. Is this what I want? To always feel like I need to check the hiding spots to “catch” him? No. I can’t. I don’t have the energy. He lies. A lot. He sneaks. A lot. As do most alcoholics. And I can’t “snoop” my way into trust. This is something he has to do. I am not a victim of him. He is a victim of his addiction.

So I stopped asking. I stopped responding with anything more than a “that’s too bad” or “I’m happy for you”. Slowly I started noticing being treated differently by him. And things dissolved.

It’s not about love. It’s not about not wanting someone well. It’s about awareness of your own part in toxicity and not participating. If you see someone working on sobriety or being clean, BE THERE FOR THEM. I can’t stress that enough. They need their family and friends. But just know, that person that “abandoned” them? They had to walk away. Because they were probably in a place where neither could heal with the other there. Every week I share with my therapist something I wanted to say and didn’t. Or something I shouldn’t have said, but did. I talk through why I wanted to say it, and why I didn’t. I feel like a toddler learning to walk. A bit wobbly. And when I fall, I stand back up.

It matters to me. So I’m just going to say it.

When I was a kid, my mom had a friend with a daughter who was just awful. She was rude, bratty, mean, and selfish. We would often have playdates while our moms visited. It was always exciting and anxiety ridden. This little girl had EVERY toy. It was kid heaven. Unfortunately, her mom took a firm stand on the “I’m not going to force my kid to share if she doesn’t want to. Adults don’t have to share, so why do we make kids?” belief. (I would like to add that I do not make my children share things that are important or special to them. If that’s your favorite toy, offer them another one. Set your boundaries, but still be kind an inclusive.) So we would go to this kids house and she would not let us touch anything. Or she would give us crappy, broken toys.

She was also super nasty to my little sister. Try to scare her with things, make fun of her, give her things and take them away, etc. My sister would cry and she would straight up lie about what happened. I would watch this happen. Sometimes I would tell what really happened, but she usually had an excuse and then would act out on me. So I would just ignore it. I wasn’t looking to have that nastiness aimed at me. I seemed to have worked my way into the “I guess you can play with some stuff” arena. And I was going to keep that going. We would tell our mom in the car about how mean she was, and our mom would comfort us and tell us that she is glad we weren’t mean and selfish.

Then, one day, my little sister wasn’t playing with us. I don’t remember why. Sick? Sleeping? Gone? Whatever the reason, I was the “little one” then. I’m sure you can guess what that meant for me. She spent the visit terrorizing me. Not to the extent of my sister, since I was older, but enough to leave me in tears, wanting to go home.

There are a lot of times in life that we see injustice done and we continue to let it happen because it’s not directly affecting us. Racism. Classism. Sexism. Homophobia. Abuse. We know these things. We may even talk about them amongst ourselves in agreement that they’re wrong. But how often do we put ourselves out there when these things happen? If little kid Bethy had loudly took a stand against that bully, to my mom as it was happening, then maybe some change could have happened. Yes, being validated though conversation is a good thing. But it doesn’t solve the problem. There may be a day when that problem becomes your own. Will just you want someone to agree with you and carry on with life? Or will you want them to actively take a stand on your behalf?

While there are many examples of this in life, there is one that has been weighing on me. After talking to my husband about it, I decided that it’s something I should share publicly.

I am bisexual.

“You’re married to a man, so who cares?” I care. The bisexual community cares.

There are a few in my life know this. A lot that do not. Up until now, I didn’t think it was relevant to share. I always thought, “If I ever fall in love with a woman, then I will come out. What’s the point of causing issue if it’s not necessary?”

One of the most difficult things is trying to explain bisexuality to someone who thinks they know, and doesn’t care to learn.

When I was 15/16 I was working a Greek restaurant. There was this teenage girl that would come in on a regular basis. She was beautiful, funny, sweet, and every time I saw her I would get butterflies and my face would turn red. It was very confusing since I was raised very “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”. I had crushes on famous females growing up. Clarissa was SO PRETTY AND COOL AND FUNNY. But just thought it must be that I admired them. Wanted to be like them. I wasn’t attracted to my female friends, and I did like boys. So I am definitely straight. Right? That teenage girl flooded me with confusion. Am I GAY?

After almost 20 years, I now understand what is misunderstood by most. Bisexuality is not turning on or off gayness or straightness. It is it’s own thing. I am attracted to and have the capacity to love both male and females. I am not straight just because I am married to a man. And the woman I’ve romantically been with didn’t make me gay. I am consistantly attracted to both genders. Not constantly, like some believe. Consistantly. Being bisexual does not mean I am going to run off with a woman or that I want a polygamist relationship. If you can be a straight person who is married, and see an attractive person of the opposite sex without feeling the urge to run off, you should be able to comprehend that I can be attracted to woman but be married to man. It’s the same exact thing. Commitment is specific to the person, not their sexual orientation.

I feel like a coward. Because I’m married to a man, I have the option to never tell anyone. I can sit here living as a straight person and it wouldn’t affect me in the slightest. I can discuss inequality and the rights of the LGBT community, but I can do it from a safe place of observation. I don’t have make people uncomfortable. I can ignore when people make homophobic jokes because they are not aware they of that aspect of me. Cowardice.

As I watch the rights of the LGBT community being chipped away, I am faced with the reality of my complacency. I talked to my husband about it, “what if something happened to you? And years from now I met a woman and fell in love with her? How many other woman are out there just like me, who find a woman instead of a man and are terrified to be with them because of the direction our country is taking? I feel like I need to come out. It seems silly since you’re a man and I’m not dating anymore. But I feel like I’ve turned my back on the LGBT community. I feel like my ‘I’ll come out if I have to’ approach is the same as saying I don’t want to have to suffer unnecessarily at the hands of bullies, so I’m going to sell off a part of my self to keep things nice for ME. I feel selfish.”

Like being little kids playing with that bully. I didn’t want to rock the boat. I felt bad, and even spoke out about things. But I liked not being the target and it ate at me not doing the right thing.

This post feels very anticlimactic. Because there’s nothing life changing for me. I am still exactly who I am. Learning this about me won’t change my relationships with you unless you change it. Will I get backlash? Oh I’m pretty sure. My kids have shared some of the things they’ve heard adults say about the gay community. About them going to hell. About them being disgusting. About how people should have the right to discriminate against them. My kids have come to me upset that there are adults that say such awful hateful things, while I have raised them to understand that love is love. There are different kinds. And no one’s love looks the same. I have told them that if they or any of their friends ever came out, I would protect and defend them from anyone who said hateful things.

I am bisexual. It does not affect my life as my life is now. But denying or ignoring this aspect of my life supports those who are trying to associate homosexuality with shame. And I refuse to feel shame about this aspect of who I am.

Bringing it down to the Basics

It was 2011. I was newly divorced, in school full time, working as many hours as I could get, and raising 3 kids. Looking back, it’s almost comical that I thought I could have an organized house as well. 

“What do you need?” My friend Kris asked me. She had come over with the intention to clean/organize/help. I was drowning in my life and I desperately needed someone to throw me a lifesaver. 

“I don’t know. I mean. I guess the toys. I can’t think because there is so much everywhere. The toys go there. Top drawer is dolls. Second is dress up. Bottom draws is everything else. I don’t know. They’re all mixed up.” I told her showing her my organizer. “And art stuff goes here. Paper in this drawer, crayons and markers in this one, and the other stuff in that one.”

“No. That’s too much. You need to simplify it. How about toys here, and art stuff here.”

“But. Everything has a place. I just…”

“What a your goal? What do you want in here?”

“I want the toys off the floor. I want to walk through my house without stepping on stuff.”

“Beth. The girls can help. They need to. You can’t do it all, so we need to find a way that is simple. So the kids can do it.”

I had to let go of some control. Here’s the thing, (for those who don’t know how it is to function with ADHD) I have to be that uptight about things. Chaos around me gives anxiety. I forget things. I lose things. Everything has a place, because otherwise, nothing has a place. 

So I changed the rules. Instead if having such strong stipulations on where the kids put the toys, I just made sure they were put away. It worked. The kids didn’t feel overwhelmed with helping. So I started simplifying other aspects of my life. 

Sorting socks? Nope. I don’t have time. My goal is to have clean socks when we need them. Boom. New rule, sock basket. All the clean socks in the house are in there. Find your own. While thes things were not ideal for my house, I found the amount of stress that was lifted was definitely worth letting go. 

Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed, I like to bring it down the the basics. Not forever, just for long enough to gain some perspective. Not just with household chores, but with friendships, parenting, work, and everything else. 

Parenting. What is the goal? I’m sure your response would be something about love, or God, or kindness, or being strong or something like that. No. Those are not the goals. Those are the personal details you have set for what are actually the goals. 

There are 2 things your kid needs from you. Two. Taking it to The basics. These 2 things are the backbone of why you make any and all decisions regarding your kids. And if they’re not, you need to reevaluate your motives in parenting.

The first, let them keep their innocence as long as possible. We protect them from the horrors of the world so that they can develop into who they are truly meant to be. Life has a way of hardening us. Our children need to keep the tenderness, and awe for life and the world as long as possible.

The second, produce functional adults. Our children need to be able live and function in society someday. We cannot shelter them forever. They need to be able to socialize. They need to be able to work a job. They need to be able to keep themselves safe when you’re not there. They need to be able to think and make choices. 
These goals sound contradictory. You can see why teenage years are so tough. Constantly trying to balance protecting our teen while at the same time knowing in a few short years they need to be able to function in the world. 

Now, what is your definition of innocence? What do you consider a functioning adult? This is where our parenting styles come into play. We make choices every day with these in mind. “No, sorry, Sally isn’t allowed to sleep over until she’s older.” Or “Rinse your bowl.” Or “Sure, Jimmy can definitely go out with his friends after the game.” Based on our childhoods, usually, we decide what we will or will not do with our kids. 

If you are an overwhelmed parent, bring it to the basics. Ask yourself, is this helping them keep their innocence or helping them develop into a functioning adult? If it doesn’t fit one of those 2 things, quit fretting about it. Quit being angry about it. Quit wearing yourself down over it. 

Someday I will sort socks again. And you know what? The toys in my house are now sorted. The art stuff all has a place. It took 7 years, but I got it back slowly. Just because it’s not ideal, doesn’t mean it’s bad. My house is a disaster. Why? Because I want the kids to help clean. And honestly, they don’t do a great job. My kids need a mom who helps show them. Not a mom who yells and shames them. 

You know what your kids need. You know what type of adult you hope they become (or possibly one you don’t want them to become). Have a little faith in yourself. Take a deep breathe, and let go. 

Doug Stutz Wouldn’t Regret Stuff, So You Shouldn’t Either

Very unexpectedly, my step father passed on November 23. He was 55 years old, and had a day of Christmas decorating and grandchildren planned. He was at the store, had a heart attack, and was gone. Just like that. Ripped from our lives.

I was very close to him. I called him Dad, and I’ve been his baby girl since I can remember. We talked almost every day, and saw each other multiple times a week. These last 12 days have felt like the longest days of my life.

So, I’ve been wanting to write about him. Memories flooding my mind. Writing about him seems impossible. I can’t put him in words. When I try, I find myself frustrated with the lack of depth in my writing. My vocabulary feels so limited in describing him. So I end up with just the simplistic, “this fucking sucks” or “it’s not fair”. I cannot articulate him or my feelings in the fullest sense, so I just resort to the most basic. I am sad. I miss him. He was a great dad. So that’s all you guys get from me right now.

I decided instead of trying to come up with some thought provoking, emotionally touching, in depth post, I would instead focus on grief. Because, well, it is a very real thing for me right now.

Sitting on my bed, sobbing like a child, my fiancé, Ryan, held me and kissed my head. “It’s just not fair!” I managed to get out. “He would be so mad at himself right now.” Ryan’s response was a simple, “You’re right. It’s not fair. He is still needed. We all still need him. And we need to remember him, the good and the bad. Because that’s what makes him him. If we just remember the good, he is a myth of a man.”

So I focused on trying to remember some bad stuff. We, as humans, tend to forget the bad stuff when someone dies. And I wanted to remember my Daddy as he was exactly. I didn’t want to lose any part of him. Have you ever done this? Try to remember the bad stuff after someone dies? It is way harder than you think. Why? Because those quirks and irritations seem so insignificant after the person is gone.

My Dad was kind of a stubborn man. He was very punctual, my tardiness and flighty ways drove him nuts. He was also easily irritated by the chaos of all the small children. I can here him saying “Don’t forget the bag of your kids stuff!” And “When will you be here? I have things to do today.” He was a very patient man, but I have a unique talent of pushing even the most easy going person to their limit. So, I discounted these memories, since his “negatives” were actually provoked by some of my flaws.

The I remembered a time he got snappy with me, unprovoked. He was stressed about work, tired, and worried about bills. I asked him something, and he snapped and yelled at me. It actually made me cry, mostly out of shock and a little embarrassment. But, he did come to me later and give me a big hug and apologize. He told me he loved me and the girls, and told me he would always help and be there for me. So I don’t know if that would even count as a negative. Since he did talk to me about it. I mean we’re all human.

BAM. There it is. Remembering the bad, had actually opened me to noticing even more of the good. It allowed me to see him as human. One that had flaws, but loved above all. One that forgave my quirks and even just downright rudeness. He was someone I forgave without hesitation. We were able to be our human selves with each other. We didn’t have to act, or hold back. Good day, bad day, or just a boring day, we experienced life as it was in the moment.

After these thoughts, I realized I didn’t have regret. I kept wanting to grasp onto something I would have done differently. Something to say, do, or whatever. Why was I LOOKING for regret? Regret is an awful thing! Why? Because I am hurting so bad. To the core of myself. And I need something to blame. There was absolutely nothing I would have done differently. How many people can say that about someone? Yet, it doesn’t seem to ease the pain knowing that. It actually makes it even more painful, because I know how rare it is to find someone like this.

For all those who are grieving. Those of you out there feeling you could have done something differently, or told them something. I am here to tell you, you’re holding on to regret as a defense against the shitty reality that sometimes, life just sucks. We have very little control of so much that happens. So it’s ok to let go of the regrets (that we are seeking out and clinging to) and just be sad. Our anger doesn’t need to be directed at ourselves. This doesn’t help our grief. I can honestly say, for those who play the “if only I just…” game, nothing you could have said or done would change the way you feel now.

I told my dad I loved him and thanked him for his help with my kids the day before he passed. What if I would have yelled at him the last time I saw him instead? I would most likely cling to that and be mad at myself. In reality though, that should be a fine last conversation as well, because that’s what life is! Happiness, sadness, anger, all of it. He was someone I experienced all of this with, and knew at the end of the day, he loved his family, his Lord, his work, and his friends.

All that being said, I am sad. This isn’t fair. It sucks.